How Many Times Have you Been Recycled?

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Hi Guys,

 As I am sitting at my desk (ah the calm around me) I am reading these boards and just got curious.

How long were you with your BPD and how many times did he/she pull you into a recycle?

I was thinking about this past year. I was with my ex since last July (2012). Our first breakup was a few days, the second, a few days and the third was about a week. The fourth, she left me to see her ex girlfriend three states away to "give it a go" (mind you this ex had dumped her previously and she considered her "the one that got away". THIS was her best friend she talked about me to the whole first part of our relationship. Ironically, on her drive home from Minnesota she called me frantically. This completely blindsided her ex when she returned home and got back with me yet again. In the process she lost her "best friend" (which should have been me but whatever  

And now the last breakup came this Wednesday. I was very upset about a personal matter the weekend before the Halloween holiday and she was stressed over a friend of a friend who passed. She was angry at me all week grieving this person she had never even met-which I found strange. (I invited her to dinner Monday and she said, "I'm not really into a forgive and forget dinner". She was fine with me Weds via text and then calmly came over to my house and promptly dumped me with: I feel we would make best friends over lovers. It's over.

I was devestated.  I do not want to be her friend so this isn't going to work. I told her I refuse to replace her ex. She then started from calmly wanting to be my friend to completely painting me black. She threw out all our pictures (which she never did before) as well as gifts. She blocked her number and stated she was trying to give me closure but it wasn't working.

So bazaar that the week before I am the love of her life to this isn't working because of stress. Every break has been when something big is affecting her like her Mother's stroke or when I need comfort. I got called a self absorbed a hole as well as other things.

So hurtful. This was very different than past recycles. Actually lovely with the exception of her outbursts that I was not around enough for her. After awhile I needed to escape, .

So I am at 5 breaks in a year. Anyone hedging she comes back? Anyone have the same FINALITY that they wanted to be friends and were no longer attracted and came back?

UPDATE: after I told her we could not be friends (I don't want to be her fall back) I realized she is with a now former friend of mine. She (my ex) completely demonized me and told me she is out of my life permenently. That I am a backstabber and betrayed her. She also blocked FB, phone and email contact. Maybe this is the end? I don't know... .she is friends with all her exes including the one who supposedly stalked her before me.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi Guys,

 As I am sitting at my desk (ah the calm around me) I am reading these boards and just got curious.

How long were you with your BPD and how many times did he/she pull you into a recycle?

I was thinking about this past year. I was with my ex since last July (2012). Our first breakup was a few days, the second, a few days and the third was about a week. The fourth, she left me to see her ex girlfriend three states away to "give it a go" (mind you this ex had dumped her previously and she considered her "the one that got away". THIS was her best friend she talked about me to the whole first part of our relationship. Ironically, on her drive home from Minnesota she called me frantically. This completely blindsided her ex when she returned home and got back with me yet again. In the process she lost her "best friend" (which should have been me but whatever  

And now the last breakup came this Wednesday. I was very upset about a personal matter the weekend before the Halloween holiday and she was stressed over a friend of a friend who passed. She was angry at me all week grieving this person she had never even met-which I found strange. (I invited her to dinner Monday and she said, "I'm not really into a forgive and forget dinner". She was fine with me Weds via text and then calmly came over to my house and promptly dumped me with: I feel we would make best friends over lovers. It's over.

I was devestated.  I do not want to be her friend so this isn't going to work. I told her I refuse to replace her ex. She then started from calmly wanting to be my friend to completely painting me black. She threw out all our pictures (which she never did before) as well as gifts. She blocked her number and stated she was trying to give me closure but it wasn't working.

So bazaar that the week before I am the love of her life to this isn't working because of stress. Every break has been when something big is affecting her like her Mother's stroke or when I need comfort. I got called a self absorbed a hole as well as other things.

So hurtful. This was very different than past recycles. Actually lovely with the exception of her outbursts that I was not around enough for her. After awhile I needed to escape, .

So I am at 5 breaks in a year. Anyone hedging she comes back? Anyone have the same FINALITY that they wanted to be friends and were no longer attracted and came back?

UPDATE: after I told her we could not be friends (I don't want to be her fall back) I realized she is with a now former friend of mine. She (my ex) completely demonized me and told me she is out of my life permenently. That I am a backstabber and betrayed her. She also blocked FB, phone and email contact. Maybe this is the end? I don't know... .she is friends with all her exes including the one who supposedly stalked her before me.

[charred]

At least 7-8 times... this go round.

We dated about 30 yrs ago, but it was one big dump out of the blue, when that ended.

Read that it takes 6-7 times splits for the average abusive relationship to end... .and that is what these surely are.

[ZigofZag]

At least 7-8 times... this go round.

We dated about 30 yrs ago, but it was one big dump out of the blue, when that ended.

Read that it takes 6-7 times splits for the average abusive relationship to end... .and that is what these surely are.

6 - 7 splits? Really? Well that that makes me about average. It was about 7 big events over 6 years. She was abusive and violent. Just got to the point where I simply had enough. Sounds like you are getting there Earth Angel. The point where you just throw your hands up and say "time to save me, I am gone".

They will come and track you down after that regardless of the blocking and ignoring. Well that has been my experience. You try for NC and they will contact you. My ex will be finding her next partner, it has gone quiet. It'll hurt but it is also a release. 

[Pretty Woman]

I have been spending a lot of time on the leaving board. It's funny but I really think she left for good so leaving, well that is the only option for me.

I know she is friends with all her exes but she knows I am on to her and said I am different and she wants nothing to do with me. Then again she is dating one of my friends. It is ridiculous really.

I did not tell this friend anything about BPD. Can't wait til that hits her upside the noggin. Is that wrong of me?

[Pretty Woman]

Zig of Zag,

  Mine was 6x in 18mo. Her always doing the leaving and coming back.

I think your stats are much better!

[maxsterling]

With my ex who is probably more NPD than BPD, three times within 6 months.  3 major blowups, with her screaming and saying she never wanted to see me again, and then calling me the next day like nothing happened. 

With my current dBPDgf - I think I have broken up with her (she says "dumped" her) three times.  But every time was after she screamed at me for awhile, insulted me, said I was no good, and that we should break up.  The first time, she got so distraught and started hurting herself, and I called the police.  The police advised me to stay away from her, but she threatened suicide so I stayed.  The second time she found a new place to live, moved her stuff, then called me up and screamed at me, then called me up again saying she was scared.  I told her if that she was truly that scared, she could come back to my house and sleep on the couch.  I went to a party down the street, and within an hour her car was in the driveway.  The third time, she left again to stay with a friend after she raged, and I was ready to call it off, when she told me that "we aren't over yet" and then told me she was really depressed and contemplating suicide.  She stayed with the friend for a week, then came back to my place. 

I think if it happens again, it needs to be over for good.  It destroys me to go through this.

[ZigofZag]

I did not tell this friend anything about BPD. Can't wait til that hits her upside the noggin. Is that wrong of me?

Earth Angel, sounds like you need to stay well clear of the pair of them ! Not much of a mate for a start and you will be the one they will probably turn to when the balloon goes up. Ooo, stay well away from a forthcoming toxic mess. So, my answer is no. You are not wrong. Not sure about the motive but hey, you just look after you 

[ZigofZag]

maxsterling

All I can say to your post is yes, yes and yes.

Blimey, it was like reading my posts from 2011. Isn't it just spooky how similar the behaviour is. On both sides. Us taking them back, trying to help (often against advice) their suicide threats, self harming, the police etc'

Phew.

Glad to be away from mine now. Still miss her but the pain of being with her is far worse than the pain of being without her.

[goldylamont]

this is an interesting question, hopefully others will post also would be interesting to find out others experience.

my relationship was 4 years long. we broke up once right at the 2 year mark, then ended it finally 2 years later. About 10 months after this, we had what i'm calling a 'fake' or 'half' recycle, meaning we were never really together again as she was just playing games for about a month before i called it quits.

so for me, 4 years and 1.5 recycles.

[ZigofZag]

this is an interesting question, hopefully others will post also would be interesting to find out others experience.

my relationship was 4 years long. we broke up once right at the 2 year mark, then ended it finally 2 years later. About 10 months after this, we had what i'm calling a 'fake' or 'half' recycle, meaning we were never really together again as she was just playing games for about a month before i called it quits.

so for me, 4 years and 1.5 recycles.

6 - 7 in 6-7 years. Loads of other little walk away threats but these were the more serious occassions

[HopefulDad]

BPDw has given me (or thrown back at me) her engagement ring and wedding band 7 times now in just over 3 years.  The accompaniment with screams for wanting a divorce subsided after 5.  After the last one, I've hidden the rings.  She cannot have them back until she starts seeking her own therapy.

[Pretty Woman]

Zig of Zag,

   That is exactly why I unfriended the other person. It was like reverse triangulation. My ex cut me off but this woman is using me as a sounding board. I couldn't let that happen!

[ZigofZag]

Zig of Zag,

  That is exactly why I unfriended the other person. It was like reverse triangulation. My ex cut me off but this woman is using me as a sounding board. I couldn't let that happen!

Well done Earth Angel. Self preservation  

You just opted out of the classic "Karpman Drama Triangle". I tried a link (but it didn't work) if you are unfamiliar with the phrase do a quick internet search. for Karpman and you will see that we often get stuck in the loop of being or becoming - Victim / Persecutor / Rescuer

[heartandwhole]

You just opted out of the classic "Karpman Drama Triangle". I tried a link (but it didn't work) if you are unfamiliar with the phrase do a quick internet search. for Karpman and you will see that we often get stuck in the loop of being or becoming - Victim / Persecutor / Rescuer

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.msg1065512#msg1065512

[ZigofZag]

You just opted out of the classic "Karpman Drama Triangle". I tried a link (but it didn't work) if you are unfamiliar with the phrase do a quick internet search. for Karpman and you will see that we often get stuck in the loop of being or becoming - Victim / Persecutor / Rescuer

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108384.msg1065512#msg1065512

That's the one! 

[Pearl55]

Can I ask you, during recycling periods, how long they really behavioued well if they were really scared of abandonment and then returned to their true colours? I know women with this disorder are better at these games than men. My husband couldn't recycle me because I was reading constantly and learnt about the disorder. But one of my family members married over 25 years and everytime he wants to be out, all of sudden she becomes sexed up, super sweet... .and he thinks she really loves him!

He is ONLY her wallet.

[Pearl55]

Goldylmount

How did you recognise that was game? You are very intelligent that your relationship only took 4 years.

[goldylamont]

Goldylmount

How did you recognise that was game? You are very intelligent that your relationship only took 4 years.

Hmm, well I should say that I had no idea that there was such a thing as a BPD diagnosis the whole time i was in contact with my ex, so all of the stuff I figured out was just instincts I suppose. It wasn't until after 6 mo NC and over a year since our real breakup that her roomate/ex-friend called me out of the blue saying "i think there's something wrong with your ex", and i think it took this corroboration for me to look up narcissism, which didn't fit, then i found out about BPD, which did.

for nearly all four years of our r/s, i was pretty naive and attributed my ex's jealousy and abandonment issues mostly to things she told me about her bf before me--that he had cheated on her with a good friend of theirs. now i simply consider this a lie (after finding out much later that she told friends of mine i was cheating on her, which is completely false). it wasn't until after we broke up (but still living together) that I started thinking that she was dealing with much deeper childhood issues, rather than insecurities stemming from her adult relationships.

all of this is to say that i didn't really figure out the game until long after it was over. however, what i did do and what protected me and what i thank the lucky stars for is simply: i trusted my gut instincts. this is truly all i had, because there was so much lying going on that i was completely unaware of until later; but in the moment, it just didn't *feel* right. when i broke up with my ex the final time, i definitely didn't want to, and i wasn't mad, rather i was despondent. if i had done what i thought i wanted i would have stayed at all costs, i didn't want to end the r/s i actually loved living with her--but something wasn't right.

all i can tell you is that i got the distinct feeling that her level of respect for me was so low and that it didn't depend on me to make her see that i was good and had her best intentions in mind. as much as it hurt me, i felt strongly that she needed to see other men (and one of her ex's in particular), and maybe if she was with someone else for a while she could see that i wasn't the reason she was feeling bad. i was kind of hopeful that we could remain civil with each other, we could both learn and grow separately, and if was in the cards one day come together again, both of us wiser and healthier--such the dreamer was i! forgive me, i didn't know, but, ya know, i knew enough to break up with her before things got too crazy, which i'm so thankful for.

as far as the 'fake recycle', well this occurred about 10 months after our final breakup. i put everything on the line to try and get her back, but to this day i am so glad i did this--here's why: even though i still had my blinders on and i did end up getting hurt, i needed to see who she really was so i could convince myself if things could ever work or not. i never did the desperation thing of begging for her back or "forgiving" her and such after we broke up. i did my own thang, started seeing other people, and after many many months my ex and i started communicating again, started talking about a lot of things we never did when we were together. to this day, as much as i was disappointed, i am *so* thankful to her to have had these conversations. after much talking, i felt that she had grown and also that i had, so i went for it full bore--however i didn't have unrealistic expectations. so, after hearing her swear to me that i was the love of her life one day, then switch gears and tell me she wanted to be single the next, i basically gave myself a timeline of about a month or so before i knew i would bail if she kept up with her BS. so that's what i did, she had her chance, i had my answer, i stopped by and saw the dog i loved (we got him together), said my goodbyes to him and left her just before (i found out later) she started in with victim bf #2, who she destroyed about 6 months later.

yes, dodging a bullet is a great analogy. i'm lucky. but ooweee was i hurtin'