I'm so confused about the past two years

[beautifuldisaster123]

I dated a woman who had BPD. I met her shortly after I got out of the military and my life was more together than it has ever been. The first year was one of the best years of my life both emotionally and personal achievement wise. I got into one of the top universities in the country and I'm someone who almost didn't graduate from high school. I was never in love if what I experienced with the BPD individual was real. It was the most i had ever sacrificed for anyone and my life took a backseat to hers. A year in she started confiding that she had an eating disorder and she cheated on me but she would kill herself if i left her etc. I forgave her as I always did during the relationship, little did I realize or was capable to see she was making me sacrifice myself to better her life while mine steadily got worse. I spend all my money on her, I encourage therapy and had to find them myself and sometimes pay. Her parents seemed absent and she became in a way my dependent. About a year in, during her eating disorder treatment, she became violent with me. I just told myself she was just having a hard time and she was always able to make me feel sorry for her even though I was the one with the black eyes and broken property. I blindly stuck by her in what i can only explain as real true love I had for her. I was willing to give until I had nothing left. I couldn't see the big picture. The violence steadily got worse and soon she was hitting, kicking, screaming, putting cigarettes out on me daily. The neighbors called the cops on the "noise" so often that I was threatened with eviction and she was given a trespass warning from the premises. I still let her over even though if i was to get evicted I would have been homeless. Once again she would break my trust which I undeservingly and unconditionally gave her and during a particularly violent episode I got her out of my apartment and locked the door. I was scared of being evicted but she tried to kick the door down and she shouted for a long time until the cops came and arrested her. After every major incident I forgave no questions asked and the violence continued daily and got worse and worse. She got mad at me because she got in a fist fight with my ex and when the police came I refused to give a statement (take her side). SO she told the police I was abusive and never let her leave my house and some other things. I got arrested and charged with four things. At jail the jailer took pictures of me, as they do with everyone, and realized that my body was bruised, burned, cut, bleeding, bite marked, and otherwise showed many many signs of abuse. She also came out and said she lied but blamed it on sexual harassment from the police officer she spoke to? I don't understand the logic either. Either way the charges were dropped.I couldn't see it at the time but my mental health, physical health, friends, school work, family, and finances had all turned to hit. Towards the end when she snapped she instantly became violent and destructive which would make me immediately try to plead with her to calm down. This only made her more angry as I now understand. Long story short during a violent episode she left and I chased after her to try and calm her down and plead my case. I sat in her car and tried to reason with her and she was attacking me and hysterical. She ended up stabbing me 13 times. We didn't talk for like a day or two and she started texting me that she didn't want to live because of how she treated me. That I deserved so much better than her but she can't live without me and she was so sorry for hurting me. Like a chump i forgave her. Since I had to go to the hospital the cops were called and I was tired of her behavior and admitted it was her. She was charged with felony assault. After the stabbing she tried to apologize and said she was suicidal because she treated the man of her dreams like hit. I ended up buying her a computer which now makes me so embarrassed to say. Like the next day i told her id hire a lawyer for her and she just needed to keep cool for the night and id take her to him in the morning and he could negotiate her surrender so she wouldn't have to go to jail. Of course also, I was planning on doing what i could to blow the prosecutors case against her. SDhe ended up hitting me multiple times that night and I had to kick her out. She started texting me nasty stuff and soon the texts turned from "i hate you i hope you die" to I'm so sorry you don't deserve what I've done I'm going to kill myself. I called 911 because I was scared for her life. They found her and because I called 911 she texted me "I hate you you ruined my life". I was thinking "i'm sorry I just couldn't live if something happened to you. Very soon after she split me black and blames me for everything even her stabbing me. She said simply " if you were not in my car and if you would not have made me mad i wouldn't have stabbed you. She disappeared and never send another word to me again or spoke to me. That was almost three months ago and everyone we used to know has turned on me and thinks I'm the violent one. She lies about me and has a thousand supporters who are sympathetic about "her just getting out of an abusive relationship". I mean what a slap in the face! I have never felt this down and that my life was so screwed up. I can't make sense of the relationship and closure will never come. She has victimized herself and the truth for me has become a burden. I'm at a loss and can't explain it. I've hit rock bottom.

[living in the past]

 hi ,to sum it up you have been to hell, now the question is how do i get back, when i read stories like this i think my BPD friend wasn"t to bad, yet i still need to recover,my best wishes to you, you are not alone here, we try to do a little better everyday and hopefully someday this can be behind us,

[Waifed]

Beautifuldisaster

I am so sorry you had to go through this.  Unfortunately your story has been played out in similar fashion by many on this board.  You have and still might be in the "FOG".  That is the reason you let her get away with the things that she did.  She has manipulated you to the point of totally controlling you.  :)o not feel bad.  It has happened to almost everyone on here.  

You need to take care of yourself right now.  You are likely suffering from depression from all of this fighting, kissing, fighting, kissing, etc.  She is not worth the effort and one day you will realize that.  It totally sucks that she has manipulated others into thinking it was all you.  This is another thing that pwBPD do.  It is a horrible illness and unfortunately we end up just as damaged as them.  In fact, many times we feel like we are the ones to blame for the failed relationship.  IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

You need to try to find a good therapist to help you untangle all of the trauma you have been through in the past two years.  It will take time for your mind to process what you have been through.  

You came to a great place to share your story, emotions and feelings.  There are many great people on this site that will share their stories and help you deal with yours.  Hang in there.  Life may seem like a disaster but you will get through it.  

[beautifuldisaster123]

I know it is over because she decided to never talk to me again. I recognize now that it was an abusive relationship but I can't stop asking myself things like "did she ever love me" or "did she know what she was doing". In my opinion I don't think they consciously know what they are doing even though they are master manipulators. Im 27 and have never felt love to that intensity. The ending is so sad it kills me. The fact that she does not recognize the pain she has cause me emotional and physically kills me.I guess I keep imagining she will comeback and sincerely apologize and tell me she will do anything for me to forgive her. Then again I think she isn't capable of sincerity because after every time she hit me she apologized and promise never again when she calmed down but I now think it was just to get me to shut up because indeed it happened everyday. I only think she wont talk to me because being arrested for stabbing me is forcing her to confront who she is. Of course she can't take the blame so the smear campaign is to allow herself to be the victim IN MY OWN STABBING! and obviously she will have to smear hard to have others believe I deserved it. It's too much I'm a good guy or was. I loved her with everything I had and would have died for her. Now its over to see her blame and shame me to save herself is so heartbreaking. I have never wanted anything more than to spend the rest of my life with the woman I fell in love with. Its hard to accept that it wasn't necessarily real. Its even harder to know i wont ever hear from her again. Or be her entire world. Or enjoy the good times when she was calm and happy and loved me better than anyone in this world has ever loved me. I'm being subpoenaed to court to testify against her and I know it will end up being a situation again where i'm the victim defending myself. I dread that day I have to see her again. My heart has never been so broken because I have never loved so much and never have I been betrayed so much by lying, cheating, abuse, manipulation etc. Its almost a sick joke she mirrored my fantasy of a partner and I let my guard down so fast and truly gave it my all and loved as much as I could. I'll never be able to rationalize her or what happened in our relationship. I don't think love can be so great with a normal person as the borderline becomes what you want at first. I really wish she could really know just how much I loved and tried and gave and invested in her. Sadly, "im a piece of sh**" and everything has been invalidated. I know nothing I say or do will ever get through to her. She made me believe I was the one she loved enough to change for and I bought it. I bet my life on her and now I really have nothing left. No money, friends (because it was all about her and she was all that mattered because there was always an emergency she needed me to fix), or even anyone who knows the truth of it all.Her family used to love me and I used to speak openly with her mother but since she has convinced them im scum too.

[Waifed]

I am 47 years old and I have never felt the love I felt for my ex. She basically seduced me while I was married to my wife of 14 years. I never cheated on my exwife but it made it much easier to leave when I had this beautiful woman manipulating me daily. So don't feel bad. I have 20 years on you and fell for everything you describe as well. They are good and much of it is from doing the same thing over and over.

You need to step back and look at your relationship from a third person view. SHE STABBED YOU.  ENOUGH SAID. THAT IS A SERIOUS CRIMINAL OFFENSE. do you really want to deal with crazy anymore?

She will contact you. She is charged with a serious crime and will use every tool that she has perfected over the years too try to keep you from testifying against her. DONT PERJURE YOURSELF! She is not worth that. She would like nothing more than to see you go down instead of her.

I realize it is difficult. I have many days that I want to forgive my ex.  The reality is I should not and will not put up with their horrible actions. They know right from wrong and should be held accountable for their actions. Hang in there.

[Hazelrah]

Beautifuldisaster,

I understand so much of what you are experiencing.  I was never physically attacked in the manner you describe, but the feelings of questioning what was real and what wasn't, mourning the abrupt end of a relationship with a person who seemingly loved you so much that they would never dream of hurting you... .these are the sort of things just about everyone here can relate to. 

Let's simplify things right now.  You really need to make sure you put your healing first and foremost.  I'd really advise avoiding all unnecessary contact with this woman... .space is one of the things that got me through the early days of my BPD wife's abrupt decision to leave me.  I couldn't see any way out of that sort of pain, but five months later I can at least realize the worst is over, even if I'm not fully detached from a woman who I also wanted to spend the rest of my days with.  But believe me, it can and does get better.

Keep posting and talking with us.  We will help as much as we can.

[Mutt]

You have and still might be in the "FOG".  That is the reason you let her get away with the things that she did.  She has manipulated you to the point of totally controlling you.  :)o not feel bad.  It has happened to almost everyone on here.

Beautifuldisaster, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that and it's a lot in a short time. Don't think that her behaviors and smearing don't make you a good guy anymore.

Lying and distorting to family and friends belongs to your ex and not you. The truth has a way of working it's way out.

It's difficult to see things clearly until you are out of the FOG. Being controlled by a BPD is insidious and you start to believe the distorted logic. Focus on healing for now and distancing yourself from this woman, in time, the FOG will lift and you'll see things for what they are.

You will have to validate your relationship and give yourself closure. All of this will take time. Share your experiences here.

[redbaron5]

High BeautifulDisaster, I can and I can't imagine what you have gone through. Being stabbed by someone you love is an entirely different level. I know these people and crazy, but being able to stab someone and not take responsibility for it is amazing to me. There are people here that understand what you've been through, I loved my uBPDexGF more than anyone I've ever loved before, it is indescribably intense in the beginning of the relationship, we ignore all the red flags because it is like a drug, they are masters of Love bombing us and mirroring us and seducing us, you did not do anything wrong. The fact that you are able to show that kind of unconditional love for someone sick or not shows that you are an amazing person, with some boundary issues like all of us. I loved my uexbPDgf with all my heart, I gave her everything and helped her through a heroin addiction, my life, my family, my friends, my business, and certainly my finances all suffered because of my devoted love for her. I don't want to excuse my co dependency but mine was extra complicated because I thought heroin was the problem, but it was just a symptom of a much deeper issue, BPD. I never got stabbed but she did use me to unknowingly smuggle heroin across state lines, and I got pulled over for speeding! I was also hit, and yelled at, and things broken, yet I still loved her. That is your character, and mine too, we are good people and these qualities are admirable, but we need to place boundaries in order to not be "door-matted" in the future. Like you, Me, and dozens of other people on this site, my exBPDgf hates me, even though I did nothing wrong, except stand up for myself, like you did when you called the police after she stabbed you. It's just their terrible coping mechanism for not having to reflect on their behavior.  It leaves us bewildered and confused, asking questions like ":)id she ever love me?"  I ask this myself 100 times a day, and I'm Seven months out.  It is such a simple question for us NONS, how could someone hate us, when we did so much for them? When we showed them unconditional love, when we sacrificed so much for them?  We as NONS believe that any human that could tie their shoes could never truly hate us after treating them with respect, and love. But that is the nature of their disorder. You loved someone who is very sick in the head and in the heart. They live in an alternate reality where 2+2 does not equal 4, so trying to understand their behavior is completely futile.  Understand your own behavior, understand that you are a kind, generous, genuine person who was willing to give so much blindly to another human being, those are qualities that are priceless and to be admired.  Work on yourself, your boundaries, and be ready fore the next person who will come and work for your love and respect you. I completely understand the biggest insult is the injustice of it all, they spin everything around and make you the bad guy, even after you got stabbed, or I got used to smuggle heroin. Its incredibly mentally damaging to us. Radical acceptance is where you need to get to, to accept you were close to a mentally ill person who does not even remotely think the same as you do. Its not a great explanation, but it is the absolute truth. Surround yourself with your family and those that truly love you, they can help you bring closure, your Ex cannot. You are the victim of a moral crime, which is worse than the phyical crime of stabbing (in my opinion)  Unfortunately there is no court for that, but there should be.

[Findingmysong723]

I am so sorry for the horrible abuse you endured! You did not deserve it and their are woman out there that will love you and never think to physically, emotionally or verbally abuse you, just wait and see!

[GreenMango]

I have to say it's been a little while since I've read a member's history with this much chaos, destruction and abuse.  I'm really sorry.

The level of chaos alone is going to take some time to wrap your head around.  I found when finally making the decision that enough was enough and I pulled my gaze up from focusing on the what had been years of continually trying to manage the constant fires sprouting up in this kind of relationship that the rest of my life was in need of some serious attention.  It's hard to pay attention to this other stuff when your proverbial house is on fire.

It happens Beautiful - the drama is a real attention stealer. 

It also gets better day by day once you get some space from this.  It can take a while to rebuild and repair things, and as much as it hurts now the image of you standing in the jail with bite marks, burn marks, bruising - basically a visual representation of abuse written on your body - is powerful, and so is this illness.  When you exposed this part of her to herself with the reporting her suicide threats along with everything else she couldn't handle it... .but if it was me and I couldn't imagine doing what she did and be able to face myself.  You are not accountable for her behavior, you haven't ruined her life - BPD is ruining her life.  Hopefully she isn't buffered from the court system any further and is held accountable for her behavior, because it may be the last place she's able to get some help with the proper treatment and assistance.

I'm glad you are safe and she's out of your life. I would say she loved you but that she's too ill to know how to love in a healthy and safe way.  And from the account of her behavior she's got some very severe emotional problems that need professional attention, not a relationship.  One of the things I did when coming out and facing the aftermath like you are is to reframe things - so every time I felt an overwhelming sense of grief I asked myself what it would have been like if this person was the parent of my children, what the future could possibly hold given what I'd already experienced, and how bad it realistically could get being in a relationship like this.

Do you have a solid support system?  Family and friends?  What about a therapist (there was quite a bit of trauma)?

[RecycledNoMore]

I applaud and admire you for something I never did for myself.

You told the police the truth about the stabbing, I always covered up my own abuse to authorities, in a vain attempt to keep my abusers " love". He always got away with it, with the exception of the " choking incident, there were witnesses, and it was out of my hands.MyuBPDx also smeared me afterwards, told me I was the " laughing stock of Facebook", he told people I abused him, turned the whole story around, so I share you sense of injustice.I fking sux, the whole deal, you have been used and abused badly.

Do you remember the guy you used to be?, the one who got into college after barely getting through high school?, you can be that guy again, I know it probably dosent seem like much comfort now but its true, you can take this time to heal and grow from this and come out the otherside as a strong healthy man who will NEVER let this happen to him again.

She however probably wont, unless she gets help and is commited to healing herself, she is doomed to repeat these same mistakes over and over and over... .

Im so sorry you are hurting, we here all know your pain, it is reflected thousands of times over here on these boards.

Its a hard thing to let go of a dream.

[beautifuldisaster123]

My parents and pretty much everyone else in my life either left because every time they came over my ex acted crazy and would yell at me like they were invisible or they told me over a year ago that i could do better and to leave and I didn't so the stabbing was an "I told you so" moment. She was my family, my support system, and my best friend. Or by the end i was relying on that or had to believe she was my family to keep going. I am seeing a therapist which helps a little bit. I don't know if it is because I am a male but no one I talk to seems to understand the level of hurt that I feel as a result of this woman. I get the feeling that even the court sees "a very beautiful girl who is just going through a hard time and isn't capable of harming anyone". I ask myself if I, as a guy, stabbed a woman 13 times if I would be getting the same support? I doubt it.  I'm mad at myself also for not being able to be mad at her ever. I can't feel who she is in reality although intellectually, I understand it. I'd still give anything if it meant that she would just be healthy and happy even though I KNOW I need to focus on myself. Everything in my life has been affected even my car went from being in new condition to looking like a beater in a year due to her kicking it and throwing things at it at different times out of anger. I really don't understand how she can't see it? All I want in life is for someone to love me to the intensity that I loved that girl. It's impossible in my mind that she cannot recognize everything I have given and all of the beatings I have taken for her.

[beautifuldisaster123]

I wouldn't have reported it. Except when you go to the Emergency Room for something like that they inform the police wether you want them to or not.

[santa]

My parents and pretty much everyone else in my life either left because every time they came over my ex acted crazy and would yell at me like they were invisible or they told me over a year ago that i could do better and to leave and I didn't so the stabbing was an "I told you so" moment. She was my family, my support system, and my best friend. Or by the end i was relying on that or had to believe she was my family to keep going. I am seeing a therapist which helps a little bit. I don't know if it is because I am a male but no one I talk to seems to understand the level of hurt that I feel as a result of this woman. I get the feeling that even the court sees "a very beautiful girl who is just going through a hard time and isn't capable of harming anyone". I ask myself if I, as a guy, stabbed a woman 13 times if I would be getting the same support? I doubt it.  I'm mad at myself also for not being able to be mad at her ever. I can't feel who she is in reality although intellectually, I understand it. I'd still give anything if it meant that she would just be healthy and happy even though I KNOW I need to focus on myself. Everything in my life has been affected even my car went from being in new condition to looking like a beater in a year due to her kicking it and throwing things at it at different times out of anger. I really don't understand how she can't see it? All I want in life is for someone to love me to the intensity that I loved that girl. It's impossible in my mind that she cannot recognize everything I have given and all of the beatings I have taken for her.

Don't think for one second that she was your best friend. I fell into that trap too. It's fuzzy logic though. She wasn't your best friend. She was actually your worst enemy. She just didn't present herself as that because it would have hurt her effort to manipulate you.

Look at the things she's done... .not the things she's said. The two rarely match up from what I've experienced. If you strictly look at her actions, you'll realize that she was hardly a friend at all and most likely tried everything she could to destroy you.

[santa]

You have Stockholm Syndrome. You don't love her. It's just traumatic bonding that makes you think you do. Once you're away from her for awhile, you'll see it.

[Pretty Woman]

I second the Stockholm Syndrome comment. No one stabs someone they love. She could have killed you.

An abuser is an abuser. Plain and simple.  Mine told me after an incident of pulling my hair and spitting... .

hocking and spitting in my face... .

She almost head butted me.  I could have been unconcious on the floor.  She could have hurt me much worse.

I took her back because I "loved her". She left me for an ex and came back... .no apologies just that she wanted and needed me. I took back someone who assaulted me.

Would you let a stranger stab you and get away with it?

This person, the person you thought was your lover is really a "stranger". Nothing about this relationship was real... .it was a facade to pull you in to suit HER needs.

This isn't about you.

I really hope you are in therapy and working through this. Part of this relationship probably has left you with BPD markers yourself. You need to get help and save YOU. She will always be this way, you do not have to suffer the same fate.

[Meli04]

This is a tragic story, much like my own. I am so sorry to hear of the pain you have been through. The BPD I was with was WONDERFUL for the first year. Then, he started to slip. I was never good enough, never loving enough, worked to much (because I had to support both of us), yada yada yada... then the HORRIFIC rages started. This was scary to me as a woman going up against a 255 pound man. Then the abuse started... my ribs were broken, my finger was broken, he crushed a bone in my chest, bit me in the eyebrow to the point it required stitches, held me down with pillows over my face, yanked my hair out, broke windows in the house, broke vases, pictures, tore up all the cards I ever bought him, burnt my clothes in the fireplace. I could go on and on - but you get the idea. He alienated everyone in my life. He didn't want my friends at the house, my kids... no one. He was ok as long as I was focused on him. He would call me 50 times a day at work. THis was all completely exhausting. I would find myself accepting his behavior because of his childhood experiences. I saw him as a wounded soul living in hell and I wanted to help. I thought I could love him out of it, until I started reading up on his condition. I finally realized that no amount of love, no amount of hard work, no amount of my time... nothing would ever change him. I have been out 2 months now and while it has been a difficult recovery for me, I know it is what I must do. I now suffer from severe panic attacks that have caused me to miss work at times, I am a complete insomniac, and I suffer from PTSD. I held on for 3 years and these ailments are all I came away with. I am thankful that my friends and family are still around to help me through this. Please, stay away from this person. She WILL contact you again... .have the strength to let go and never speak to her again. I wish you the best...

[DownandOut]

Beautifuldisaster -

I want to start by saying I'm sorry that you had to endure that trip through hell. You are brave and strong for getting through it. That being said, I'd like to address something you stated above. You said that you wish she would come back and sincerely apologize and essentially validate everything you thought you felt. The truth is, she might do that. Mine did. I went through the push/pull cycle of madness with my uBPDexgf during Round 1 of our dysfunctional relationship. That lasted approximately 9 months. During that time, I felt everything that you described. True love, a love that I've never experienced in my whole life. My ex went through some stuff before me and I made excuses for all her behavior because of those past experiences. Eventually, I was so fed up with the nonsense of push/pull I decided to go NC (I had no idea what BPD was I just felt it was the right thing to do for myself). I broke NC to wish her a happy birthday about two months later and she didn't respond. My birthday passed a month later without any contact from her. 3 months later she contacted me as if nothing had happened. I bit and sporadic contact continued for the next 6 months (she would always inquire as to my relationship status). Finally, she made her move and about 8 months ago I got the most sincere apology I've ever gotten from her. It was everything I dreamed about for the whole year before that. She admitted that she hurt me, she admitted that she owed me a lot more than what she'd shown but that she was okay now and that she was ready to give it her all with me because I was the "one that got away." Boy, was I head over heels again. 8 months later, 4 months NC I'm here. Wondering what went wrong. The moral of the story is to forget about it and try to move forward. You may one day get what you want from her, but it will be temporary. DO NOT GIVE IN. Godspeed my friend.