It's the season

[itsnotme]

Well it's been years of on and off again abuse. Just when I've had enough of the abuse I somehow get pulled back in. This latest spat with my mom started in Aug. For most of the summer she would ignore me and really avoid me and my children. She chose to spend time with her ex-husband (who sexually abused me) then to see me and my family. Then to make it worst she would tell everyone I was very disrespectful to her and never invited her to things. Total lie... .she just wouldn't come. The last straw was when she said she should have aborted me like she wanted to (she had me at 17). My husband at this point had to step in and told her (via text) to leave me and our family alone until she gets the help she needs. That sent her into a rage. Telling everyone(my siblings and aunts) lie after lie. I was done with her... .however she had a medical emergency last weekend and was in the hospital. Of course she called my other siblings (one lives 2hrs away flying) to come because she felt like she was dying. The funny thing is she drove herself to the hospital (l live 5 min from her) I got the phone call from the other sibling and was told what was going on. I felt like I should do the right thing and see her. BIG MISTAKE... Not only did she give me the cold shoulder but so did 2 of my sibs (there's 4 of us). My aunt told me I should just give her a break and let it go. I told her just a little bit of my side and she still felt like I should just let it go.

While in the hospital she never asked me a thing about the kids, life... nothing. It was like I was a wall flower. It was so hurtful, more because my sibs fell into her trap and turned on me.

Now that she's back home and on her way to recovery I now feel guilty... .I don't know why. I mean I feel bad because my husband refuses to let her back into my children's lives, invite her to winter concerts etc...   I fear being alone away from my extended family. I know that I'm not missing much and that it won't go well. But I was trained this way and I can't seem to break it. I always get weak about the holidays and the fear of being left out just makes me crazy. She always did this to me as a kid. My sibs have a different father and I was always made to feel like the outsider.

The logical side of me tells me I'm not missing much, that it's ok not to be with them. However there's something in my brain that won't allow me to get over this.

I've read the books, had 5 yrs of good therapy but still I can't get pass this. I want to badly to not feel this way.

I do have a few questions... .

1. Should I send her a letter telling her what she would have to do in order to have a relationship with me or my children.

2. Should I address my sisters on this issue with a letter?

3. I'm the only one that lives near her, what happens if she needs someone bc of a medical thing again? If I get a call do I go and help?

I feel like such an idiot. I know the answers I just need someone else to tell me it's ok.

[redroom]

#1:  Nothing good will come of it.  She won't get it.  No matter how carefully you word it, she will find a way to twist what you say to suit her.  Her twisted view of what you write and whether it even makes sense doesn't even matter.  Your extended family, family friends, etc. may even see the letter.  If she shows it to anyone, it will come with her story about why the two of you are estranged. 

It may be helpful, though, in your healing to write the letter and then just not send it, or even show it to your husband and a few close friends who would actually understand the situation.

#2:  That's a tough one!  What exactly do you want them to know, that they don't already?  Is there something you want from them (e.g. understanding of your situation)?  If you do send something, wait for everything to settle down first.  You'll be more collected when you write your letter, and they'll be in a better place to receive it.

#3:  I would give her the bare minimum, only what you're fully comfortable giving without being acknowledged or appreciated for it.  I've been going through this with my mom for the past few months, but I'm the one who lives far away.  My sister (golden child) lives in the same city and is extremely emmeshed. 

I would do for your mom what you would do for either a complete stranger or distant friend/coworker.  If she needs an ambulance, call one.  If you're really feeling compassionate, get her a generic card from the grocery store and mail it to her.  What would she do if the situation were reversed?  I know this sounds horrible, but assume that anything you give her will be thrown in the garbage.  She may enjoy and cherish what you give her (flowers, take-out lunches) and be genuinely thankful, but then she treats *you* like garbage.  She may as well just throw your gifts in the trash.  Imagin your acts of kindness and caring this way, too.  Try to visualize her tossing 2 hours of your time into the garbage because it doesn't mean anything to her. 

You could help her to help herself, so to speak.  If she can't pay her bills, offer to help her apply for assistance or give some general advice (e.g. "have you tried applying for disability?".  Don't give her any money.  If she needs a ride to the hospital, give her the number for a taxi.  Don't drive her.  If she's "dying right this minute" verify it with your aunt.

[itsnotme]

Thank you for taking the time to write me back. I am so happy to have this safe place to bounce ideas off and to hear about other pp's experience with this.

[nevermore]

She will never get it or own her behaviors.  A letter to her or a sib wold only give them ammo. 

[Sasha026]

If I could throw in my two cents... .I remember the same pattern that existed with my mother after I was married.

What I observed from your post was:

1. Your mother lied about you, poisoning minds.

2. She insulted you by choosing not to spend time with you, but instead spent time with someone who molested you. Thus, showing you disrespect and minimizing your outrage.

3. Your husband rightfully intervened and supported you (*sigh* always wished for that but never got it.)

Like a spoiled brat your mother sulked away, shunning you and poisoning minds against you. When you heard she was in the hospital, but didn't call you to let you know, you went to see her. She treated you like garbage, ignoring you. You want to know why you did that and now you feel foolish.

The reason you feel the way you do is because you didn't want her story to be true. I used to do this all of the time. I would go out of my way in front of relatives to cow tow to her so they would believe me and not her. Do you know what that got me? Nothing! That's why you feel foolish. I always felt like a total moron because I knew that no matter what I did, I always had to be the "bad daughter". It was almost like I had a role to play and no matter how much I tried to change it, it was my role... .it defined me.

Now that my mother is dead and so is my husband, I cannot believe what I did for so many years to defend myself. I was constantly "on the stand" defending myself. It has had a very bad impact on my self image which has taken me more than six years to change. This kind of self defense is almost impossible to alter since it has been a part of me for so long.

My advise is to let her go. I know this seems cold but believe me, life without the constant turmoil is so much better. You also need to readjust your self image that has been so poisoned for so many years. Follow your husband's lead on this. You are very lucky to have a man who supports you and sees her for the monster that she is.

Any woman who does the things that she does is a monster. I'm telling you the truth. I'm not just being supportive. No mother who loves her daughter sides with a man who molests her daughter then minimizes the molestation.

((Hugs))