To erase the past or not? (+update)

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi family, today I am 3 months out.

And "what a long, strange trip it's been". One thing is for certain, it is NOT the same as last several times. I am angry beyond belief. So angry it sometimes makes me physically sick, sometimes makes me unable to work or socialize. But it is cleansing. Damaging, yes, but cleansing in a way that I am 99% sure I'd say "no" to recycle attempt, instead of how I lived in denial through previous breakups. For weeks I wanted her to die in agony. Then I changed my mind and concluded that it is not punishing enough and started wanting her to live a long and agonizing life. Now, if I could have a wish granted, I'd like this whole nightmare to fade into irrelevance. Still, I'd love she reconnects and I get an opportunity to deconstruct her, get my revenge. But honestly, I probably would not have the heart to do so and time is working against me, as in rage will subside and I will ultimately not act out.

For my entire childhood I was irrelevant. A brilliant child, a rare and true prodigy. A child of alcoholic father and professional victim mother, living in dictatorship of grandparents household. Never were my needs and feelings important, my excellence was taken as baseline and every failure was punished cruely. And I patched that irrelevance through ability. For so long I was above my peers. My security came from understanding that my ability will grant me salary and social circle. Not a perfect construct, but it worked. And then, just as I was nearing my 40-es, I wished for change of pace, for somebody to love and cherish. And then I found her. 2 years later, all that I have left is utter devastation of everything I so meticulously built for decades. Do I sound whiney? Probably, but this whining does not come from weakness but fear.

Anyway, there is a box in my closet, where I keep memories from old relationships. There is my old engagement ring, from time I got engaged way too young. But I love that ring without despairing after relationship long gone. Then there are letters from another relationship. Nobody writes them anymore. And when I re-read them, they make me happy about a time in my life when somebody loved me beyond belief, without any regret or attachment. That box used to be much bigger but my ex found it and made me throw away many other items. What is left, I literally salvaged and hid.

Now, I have an archive of my BPD ex. Items, I returned long ago. But there is years worth of text, Facebook and Viber messages. I don't know what to do with them. In a way, it is a reminder about years of my life. If I delete them, there will be nothing, nothing left. I am hoping that an act of deleting these would be another step in detachment. But I am afraid that I will be sorry one day. I am afraid that by deleting, I will erase a part of my life as well.

Any advice? And if anyone could share their experiences?

Thank you   

[Numbers]

Hi family, today I am 3 months out.

And "what a long, strange trip it's been". One thing is for certain, it is NOT the same as last several times. I am angry beyond belief. So angry it sometimes makes me physically sick, sometimes makes me unable to work or socialize. But it is cleansing. Damaging, yes, but cleansing in a way that I am 99% sure I'd say "no" to recycle attempt, instead of how I lived in denial through previous breakups. For weeks I wanted her to die in agony. Then I changed my mind and concluded that it is not punishing enough and started wanting her to live a long and agonizing life. Now, if I could have a wish granted, I'd like this whole nightmare to fade into irrelevance. Still, I'd love she reconnects and I get an opportunity to deconstruct her, get my revenge. But honestly, I probably would not have the heart to do so and time is working against me, as in rage will subside and I will ultimately not act out.

For my entire childhood I was irrelevant. A brilliant child, a rare and true prodigy. A child of alcoholic father and professional victim mother, living in dictatorship of grandparents household. Never were my needs and feelings important, my excellence was taken as baseline and every failure was punished cruely. And I patched that irrelevance through ability. For so long I was above my peers. My security came from understanding that my ability will grant me salary and social circle. Not a perfect construct, but it worked. And then, just as I was nearing my 40-es, I wished for change of pace, for somebody to love and cherish. And then I found her. 2 years later, all that I have left is utter devastation of everything I so meticulously built for decades. Do I sound whiney? Probably, but this whining does not come from weakness but fear.

Anyway, there is a box in my closet, where I keep memories from old relationships. There is my old engagement ring, from time I got engaged way too young. But I love that ring without despairing after relationship long gone. Then there are letters from another relationship. Nobody writes them anymore. And when I re-read them, they make me happy about a time in my life when somebody loved me beyond belief, without any regret or attachment. That box used to be much bigger but my ex found it and made me throw away many other items. What is left, I literally salvaged and hid.

Now, I have an archive of my BPD ex. Items, I returned long ago. But there is years worth of text, Facebook and Viber messages. I don't know what to do with them. In a way, it is a reminder about years of my life. If I delete them, there will be nothing, nothing left. I am hoping that an act of deleting these would be another step in detachment. But I am afraid that I will be sorry one day. I am afraid that by deleting, I will erase a part of my life as well.

Any advice? And if anyone could share their experiences?

Thank you   

[fromheeltoheal]

I can relate to the anger; after I left her and the fog cleared, and I got my feet on the ground a little, I started to see through the denial and got very, very angry, wanted to kill the fcking bhit.  It had sort of a snowball effect too, which I now consider a gift; I started getting pissed off at any and everyone who had slighted me in the past, drastically different from the passive stance I've been in most of my life.  And like you the unbridled rage made me physically sick for a while.  The stuff has to come up and out, it's the only way to purge, I'm just glad I beat the sht out of things that didn't care like pillows, otherwise I'd be in jail.  I learned that alcohol doesn't help, in fact it makes it worse the next day, and I have a habit of getting carried away with caffeine when I'm working hard, and that just adds irritability to the rage.  Bad place to be, I don't recommend it, and feeling it the way I did isn't necessarily healing.  I've now slowed down a little with work, which is good for the holidays, stopped drinking, started working out again, and have started meditating and listening to music again, both of which I had stopped for a while.

So advice?  Watch the alcohol and caffeine and other stimulants, don't create any more wreckage moving forward, get the big three in order, diet, sleep, exercise, and most importantly feel it all the way, the only way out is through, and it will just come up later if you don't get it out now.  My priorities have all changed now, I'm entering acceptance, I feel like I matured several years in the last year, and life is getting really good, in large part because I feel a lot lighter.  Take care of you!

[babyspook]

Yes, erase EVERYTHING.  Wedding pictures, those emails and texts with such beautiful expressions of love, anything and everything that reminds you of your ex.  If you're here for the same reason we are then you undoubtedly were involved with a disordered individual that needs help but won't accept it.  The characteristics of their behavior are the same across the board... .yours ex isn't any different.  Keeping their "memories" close to you only makes it easier for you to be recycled again and again and in no way, shape, or form does it help you move on.  Get rid of any and all memorabilia associated with your ex.  I'm not gonna lie, it takes some strength to do it but you'll thank yourself later.  My stbxBPD recycled me 6 times.  It was after her 5th disapperaing act that I threw everything away (my wedding ring included).  After she bailed her 6th and final time, i had nothing left to dispose of.  It was the coolest feeling ever... .like I had already advanced a few steps in the healing process.  Oh sure, I felt a little upset for maybe twenty minutes but I haven't grieved one bit since.  Make no mistake though, I still love that woman very much but I've accepted who and what she is and I know she can never be a part of my life again.  Once again, get rid of everything.

[charred]

The opposite of Love isn't hate... and a strong anger is still a strong emotional reaction to your pwBPD. Mindfulness helps stop ruminating, obsessing and a lot of hurting from the breakup... best place to find out about it is seeing a T. I didn't see one till I was so stressed i thought I was going to keel over... .had taken anti-anxiety meds and my pwBPD had me unable to sleep or anything. Few weeks later I was staying in the present moment... and my stress went away, I got to feeling centered and looked at the whole toxic r/s in a different way. Went through the stages of grief... .basically your attachment to a pwBPD is a lot like a primary r/s, because of the mirroring and what appears like unconditional love... .we get hooked way to deeply, then it ends and its like the passing of a parent, rather than a normal breakup. If your a thinker, read up on attachment theory... .it explains BPD. Your own FOO sounds like they did you no favors... I think most people that really fall for a pwBPD hard... .are insecurely attached themselves.

In any event... the past is the past, and keepsakes from growing up are fine. Clinging on to every scrap of anything you got from your pwBPD isn't healthy... and it may make you feel better to symbolically get rid of that stuff. For a while I kept looking at pics of happy times and checking her FB status, and so forth, but I finally understand radical acceptance. She was disordered, I had my own issues, together it was a disaster, didn't work, would never work... .all the bad is water under the bridge. Honestly... I was seeing a T and stopped recently, as everyone I know has it worse than me... I make great money, have a fun job with travel, am dating my exwife and spending a lot of time with my kid and its all good.

The difference between love(a strong emotion) and hate(a strong emotion)... isn't nearly as much as indifference (no appreciable emotion.)

When I was dumped over 25yrs ago by my pwBPD (first time... .then we got back together about 5 yrs ago)... I was devastated, and tried to get on by pushing it out of my mind, and erasing the past...  then she contacted me years later, and hearing her voice brought 100% of the emotions back... and I ended up divorcing, getting with her and going through 4 yrs of hell. This time... after trying many times, I ended it, and accepted that it is over, I didn't avoid any emotions... felt them and processed them, and after 18 months NC... I am fine. Back seeing my exwife, and happy.

[babyspook]

Charred is spot on!  The opposite of love is not hate or anger.  They're all still emotions.  So what's the opposite of an emotion?  No emotion at all... .indifference.  I learned that a few years back and since then have always made it my goal when working past failed relationships... .to work on feeling indifferent about that individual.  When you've achieved that, you've finally moved on.

[Turkish]

While our experiences define us... .do we define ourselves by our experiences?

My X certainly does (going back to the little girl she used to be on the outside).

I refuse.

Erase. You will never forget, but it will get filed back further in your mind as time progresses.

Your brain patterns and connections will change as you experience the new. But looking back at the physical evidence of the past will re-wire your brain to live there again and again.

[charred]

The opposite of love/hate is indifference... .but emotions serve a purpose, they are the split second evaluation your mind/body gives you of a situation... based on how you evaluate it.  The emotions need to be experienced, and worked through, and your evaluation of situations changed when needed.

When I was "dumped" by "the love of my life"... I was devastated. Now that I am done with the disordered immature child-woman I mistakenly had an r/s with... .I may have regrets about my decisions... but I am anything but devastated. Those are different views of the same situation, and actually changing my understanding of the situation... has helped me to go from devastated to glad its over.

Its so obvious emotions work this way we don't notice... but think about it;

You hear a coyote died...

If you had chickens that kept being gobbled up by it... that you raised to feed your family... .you could greet the news with happiness.

If you raised the coyote from a puppy and loved it more than anything, the news might be devastating.

If coyotes are not part of your life, you didn't know it and don't care... .you may well be indifferent, or just have a small twinge of sadness at the passing of any life.

The situation isn't different... .the coyote died. How we experience it based on our view of it is what makes the emotions change... .change your view (correct it... as it was off somewhere or you wouldn't have knowingly be in this spot.) and you will feel different about it.

[Jbt857]

I can't erase mine, I'd be erasing a decade of my life. I'd be erasing my wedding day, all the happiness of my family, his family, a whole decade.

I just can't.

He's blocked on social media and we have NC, that stuff is shut away in a box, but I can't erase it. It's 10 years of my life.

He sold the wedding ring I bought him without a backwards glance. So he could have fun with my replacement. Smh.  :'(

[maxen]

]i'm 5.5 months since d-day and i have disposed of every gift i received from her from the time her deceit started (two months before that day; my birthday fell within that time) and most earlier gifts (including one expensive one). i have for the moment kept the few gifts i really like - i know i'm still raw and want to wait before i do anything i regret. i've worked those gifts into my life and there's more of me in them now than of her. i have put the wedding album very much away, and will decide on that in time. i think i'll keep it, as i was genuine that day, and i'll keep many of the pictures from over the 7 years of the marriage, as they were real experiences for me, whatever she was hiding. i deleted about half the emails of her that i kept, right now it's too painful to keep going through them. i'll be deleting more eventually.

you're right to hesitate 481, some of those things were part of your life too and you shouldn't throw out the wheat with the chaff. after a while you'll know what to do.

He sold the wedding ring I bought him without a backwards glance. So he could have fun with my replacement. Smh.  :'(

crikey jbt i am so sorry. that's just horrible.  

[BlushAndBashful]

You know what would be cool? A BPD white elephant exchange!    We all get really cool stuff, some worth money, some just whimsical- but nothing has memories attached!  I'll trade you my sapphire necklace for that Keurig you got last Christmas, and that guy over there can have my matching beer glasses if he gives me his wine goblets... .

[Turkish]

You know what would be cool? A BPD white elephant exchange!    We all get really cool stuff, some worth money, some just whimsical- but nothing has memories attached!  I'll trade you my sapphire necklace for that Keurig you got last Christmas, and that guy over there can have my matching beer glasses if he gives me his wine goblets... .

I'm thinking of  the gift  Eric  Draven gave to the baddie  at the end of  The  Crow... ."24  hours of pain,  all at once!  I've no more use for it."  it wouldn't be for any of you though... .  just for my x.

sorry to hijack the whimsical post.  just  pissed right now.