I am an idiot once again

[willtimeheal]

Well my unBPDgf and I broke up in April. She left me for a guy she knew in high school. While with him she told me over and over she wanted me and loved me. Summer came and went. She went away for some of it and told me she broke up with him and then while away got married to some other dude she just met. Fall started and she said she made a.mistake and filed for divorce. She and I started over. Things were good at first but over the last month I could feel her pulling away again and I had that feeling in the  pit of my stomach.  She kept telling me to give her time. That she loved me and wanted me but she is just scared.

Today it was confirmed. Today I saw her picking that high school guy up. He got in her car and they were kissing and went to dinner. My stomach dropped and my heart broke.

I am mad at myself. I knew better but  let her back in. I wanted so badly to have that life. I have to see her at work everyday and I don't know if I an handle it. What is wrong with me?  Why did I put myself thru this again?  I was blindsided I never expected this... .

[fromheeltoheal]

What is wrong with me?  

You can ask a better question.  We create a loaded bond with a borderline, a core bond, and tearing that bond out can create core trauma.  We have a lot of mixed emotions, our thoughts and feelings don't agree, inner turmoil and confusion; you just chose to go with the feel-good emotions hoping for a different outcome.

Better questions might be:

What do I really want?

Is this gal capable of giving it to me?

Do I trust her?

Does she treat me with respect?

What do I want my future to look like?

Will she be in it?

If you ask your brain what's wrong with you it will come up with many reasons; not good to go there at a time like this.  Emotions are strong and it's better to use your logic and rational thought instead of listening to your heart.  Your heart will protest, but do what you know is right for you.  And you know that dude from high school is in for a world of hurt; you might as well heal from yours.

[bruisedbattered]

She is gangrene, and no amount of antibiotics will cure.  You MUST cut out that piece of heart she occupies, and throw in the furnace, then flush those ashes into oblivion.  If not the infection will spread into your every limb, heart and brain and leave you dead... .   Run away, stay NC.  Find a new job if necessary, or get her fired.

NC 6 weeks,

BNB.

[Waifed]

It is so difficult because you assume you are speaking to a person and judging logically by her/his words and actions at the moment. Unfortunately these people are sickos who only care about themselves and will manipulate things to fulfill their needs.

[willtimeheal]

Thank you for your responses. It helps more than you know. I had a feeling that something wasn't right. At least now I know the truth. I saw it with my own eyes so she can't deny or weasel her way out of it. It's odd but seeing her cheat confirms that I am not crazy or insane like she led me to believe.  Detaching is going to be a bi*ch but I can find some comfort in knowing that I now know the real her. And she is not the person my mind and heart thought she was and I do hope that now that my mind and heart see that for the first time maybe... .hopefully maybe I can turn my back on this whole thing for good. God help me.

[santa]

What is wrong with me?  

You can ask a better question.  We create a loaded bond with a borderline, a core bond, and tearing that bond out can create core trauma.  We have a lot of mixed emotions, our thoughts and feelings don't agree, inner turmoil and confusion; you just chose to go with the feel-good emotions hoping for a different outcome.

Better questions might be:

What do I really want?

Is this gal capable of giving it to me?

Do I trust her?

Does she treat me with respect?

What do I want my future to look like?

Will she be in it?

If you ask your brain what's wrong with you it will come up with many reasons; not good to go there at a time like this.  Emotions are strong and it's better to use your logic and rational thought instead of listening to your heart.  Your heart will protest, but do what you know is right for you.  And you know that dude from high school is in for a world of hurt; you might as well heal from yours.

Excellent post.

Really helped me.

Thank you.

[Discovery]

You can ask a better question.  We create a loaded bond with a borderline, a core bond, and tearing that bond out can create core trauma.  We have a lot of mixed emotions, our thoughts and feelings don't agree, inner turmoil and confusion; you just chose to go with the feel-good emotions hoping for a different outcome.

Better questions might be:

What do I really want?

Is this gal capable of giving it to me?

Do I trust her?

Does she treat me with respect?

What do I want my future to look like?

... .



If you ask your brain what's wrong with you it will come up with many reasons; not good to go there at a time like this.  

heeltoheal... .thank you for this. VERY helpful to me. These questions will get me a lot farther.  On bad days, I can get stuck in the pointless questions... .What's wrong with me? Why did hehit? Why didn't he hit? Why did I hit? Why didn't I hit? Need to consciously change those questions. And you're so right... .when you ask your brain a "bad" question, it just does its job and searches in the files for the negative evidence. Not a helpful or healing thing to do.

[Discovery]

WillTimeHeal... .nothing is wrong with you. You're on the learning curve of life, just like the rest of us. Just reading your timeline, I see a very unstable pattern with this person, not something you want to be part of. Like heeltoheal shared, let's all be good to ourselves and ask ourselves those better questions.

[willtimeheal]

Getting thru work today. She didn't come to work today which helped me a lot. I did have to leave during lunch. I sat in my car and cried. She messaged me this morning. Told me I was a bi*ch and I was mad because I didn't get what I wanted. I didn't engage in the argument. I feel very numb.

[Tincanmike]

What is wrong with me?  

You can ask a better question.  We create a loaded bond with a borderline, a core bond, and tearing that bond out can create core trauma.  We have a lot of mixed emotions, our thoughts and feelings don't agree, inner turmoil and confusion; you just chose to go with the feel-good emotions hoping for a different outcome.

Better questions might be:

What do I really want?

Is this gal capable of giving it to me?

Do I trust her?

Does she treat me with respect?

What do I want my future to look like?

Will she be in it?

If you ask your brain what's wrong with you it will come up with many reasons; not good to go there at a time like this.  Emotions are strong and it's better to use your logic and rational thought instead of listening to your heart.  Your heart will protest, but do what you know is right for you.  And you know that dude from high school is in for a world of hurt; you might as well heal from yours.

Thanks Heel to Heel. This is probably one of the most important posts I have read on here to date. Those are really the core questions I have to ask myself to help keep my stability.  Remembering the past actions, learning, setting aside and moving forward. Helped me much!

[willtimeheal]

At work. Shaky today. I hope the ho ho ho doesn't come in today. I know it sounds weird but there is a part of me that doesn't want to see her and a part of me that does. I want her to see how badly she hurt me but I know she will never see or care about the pain and hurt she caused me.

[willtimeheal]

Made the decision today to.return all the Christmas presents that I had bought for her and her children. I know this might not make sense but I feel that returning the gifts gives me some sort of closure on the relationship. That I now know that it is really over and this is my way of telling myself there is no way I am letting her back in. If I keep the gifts it is like I am still hoping. Hoping for something that will never be.  I believe this I  the right thing for me.

[TakingWingAtLast]

WillTimeHeal,

I applaud your decision making process.  The questionnaire of Better Questions:

Better questions might be:

What do I really want?

Is this gal capable of giving it to me?

Do I trust her?

Does she treat me with respect?

What do I want my future to look like?

Will she be in it?

are terrific.  It seems that you have taken good steps because the conclusion of question #2 and #3 and #4 is that the answer to that is clearly "NO."   

It's that moment in the detachment process where you do the right actions even when your heart is screaming the opposite that you truly begin to feel freedom for real!  Well done!  I applaud you!

D