he bought me an engagement ring... yet I am not ready for marriage

[Vindi]

to make this long story short... .

He is 49 y/o been married b4 has 3 kids of his own... .he is UBPD... .he doesn't talk to any of his 3 kids, all ranging from 13 y/o to 20 y/o... .he is "emotionally detached"... .pays his child support but hasn't tt his kids in over a year... .he did reach out to them many of times, calling weekly, getting VM, getting no phone calls back... .he feels like he is an "abandoned by his kids/dad"... .


Now, he recently received a bonus at work for $800 so he buys me an engagement ring, (for less than $500 dollars) he told me this! he showed me the ring "online" yet i haven't seen it in person yet.

We've been together for 8 years... .no kids together... .

Here;s the red flags:

He doesn't tt his children or see them

He is in alot of debt and goes out and spends this "bonus" on a ring for me... .

He doesn't have a dime to his name in the bank, lives paycheck to

paycheck

sad part is yes, I do love him but i know this engagement won't make things better... .I just don't think we are ready for marriage!

we have alot of things to work on... .saving money, being on the same page with his "kids"... .I don't like the idea that he is abandoning them!

How to I go about telling him all of this, I know and have to be upfront and honest... .but how? maybe i should be posting on the UNdecided board... .

has anyone ever had doubts in their "engagement" or in their marriage now or in the past?

any insight please!

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[Seneca]

hi vindi! to answer your questions about doubt: no, not really. when we dated, he was just as big a wreck then as he is now, but i still married him. so the problem is with the both of us. eventually however, i matured... wised up, grew tired of this BS day in day out and (outside the amazing blessing of my children) think this is the worst mistake i've ever made in my life. i cannot believe that i have spent 12 years suffering so profusely and taking it.

i am interested to hear about his behavior, and level of BPD. is he low functioning, or high? would he ever get help for the BPD? do you have hope his behaviors would change/ he could  stick to a therapy program?

if i knew then what i know now, i would have run like hell... .before our lives were so entwined with finances and kids that there is no hope of doing it. i am living a life sentence, and i was the one who shut the prison door and locked myself in. SERIOUSLY consider YOUR feelings ONLY, not HIS, when making this decision. marriage does not make problems go away, it will only magnify them.

[Vindi]

thanks Seneca!

we'll out of the blue tonite, he gave me the *ring* and I told him how i felt... .2morrow he is calling his kids to "make ammends" (yay)... .ijust stated my feelings, being real for once, tired of hiding my feelings! and it went "ok"... .he is a bit upset... .well, he just "gave me the ring and said I love you"... .that was it! and I told him its more than just the *ring*... .and yes, be debated back and forth, stated our feelings... .I am glad to say what I had to... .stepped up to the plate! we will talk in the next few days, see what happens... .but damn, i am glad i told him how i felt, instead of fearing and cowaring like a fool! thats sometimes how i feel... .we'll see what 2morrow brings!

[Vindi]

seneca... .thats why i want to tt him... .yes he thinks marriage will make things better... .he doesn't see any "foundation: whatsover! we made baby steps tonite... .I told him of MY family values and his children... .and yes, he will *try* to make ammends with his kids... .most importantly... .I spoke up! no fear, said what i had to without worrying about what he would feel... .yes, i had a few tears... .he did NOT rage! but i spoke up... .I was true to me... .I think that is so important in any relationship... .my bf was better than i thought, i thought for sure he;d be throwing the ring across the room... .etc, he was fine, i didn't put the ring "on" yet i told him how i felt... .yes a small step... .b4 starting or thinking of staring a relationship with someone who is BPD and Undiagnosed... .I had to think of ME... .and glad i did... .i;ll keep you all posted 2morrow!

[SweetCharlotte]

Congratulations, Vindi.

BPD or no, when the man you love offers you his ring and a commitment, it feels great. It's time to celebrate.

As you've seen, this turning-point does give you some added leverage. You seem to be using it wisely. He will thank you in the long run for getting him back in touch with his kids (ungrateful cretins though they/we are at times).

So he is in debt. A $500 ring sounds about right to me. It's not extravagant, but it's not chump change either. It shows he's serious.

I don't know what kind of debt he is in, but if it makes you feel any better, my uBPDh has $120,000 to pay off. He refuses to take bankruptcy because it would harm his self-esteem (also much of it is educational loans, which can no longer be dissolved), but sometimes the anguish of indebtedness causes him to buckle. I accepted a ring that cost about $5,000 from him, though at the time I thought his debt was "only half" what I later found it to be. He didn't really lie about it; he was so disorganized he just did not know until I helped him sort out his finances.

If you don't mind sharing, what is his debt and what is his income? If it is less than half of his annual salary, he may be able to pay it off without filing for bankruptcy. My H's is almost twice his income, which is considered very unhealthy.

Once again, best wishes for your future.