Picked out her birthday card...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I do the same emotional hell dance with myself every freaking holiday, whether it's my uBPD mother's birthday, Mother's Day (the WORST amiright?).  I literally hate Hallmark and Target card people.  Can someone just make a birthday card that says, "Mom, Happy Birthday."  With a birthday cake on it and inside I can just write, "sincerely, Me."  

I read somewhere in a fabulous article about what a trigger birthday and holidays can be for the children of BPDs because so much emphasis is placed on telling them and showing them appreciation and adulation for all the things they do for us.  She is a freak about birthday and holiday cards and I used to get the silent treatment as a child/teenager because my mom would compare what I wrote to her vs. what I wrote to my dad for his birthday, and then cry to me that I loved him more than her.  

It used to bother me, but I'm opening up TONS of wounds about her lately and those memories enrage me to the point where I can't even see straight.  It's not healthy.  

So there I stand in Target, hating all card makers.  Because I have absolutely, positively, nothing nice to say to that nasty piece of work in a card.  And I resent that I still feel "pressure" to write the right thing.  It never dies, does it?  The guilt?

[foodie]

I do the same emotional hell dance with myself every freaking holiday, whether it's my uBPD mother's birthday, Mother's Day (the WORST amiright?).  I literally hate Hallmark and Target card people.  Can someone just make a birthday card that says, "Mom, Happy Birthday."  With a birthday cake on it and inside I can just write, "sincerely, Me."  

I read somewhere in a fabulous article about what a trigger birthday and holidays can be for the children of BPDs because so much emphasis is placed on telling them and showing them appreciation and adulation for all the things they do for us.  She is a freak about birthday and holiday cards and I used to get the silent treatment as a child/teenager because my mom would compare what I wrote to her vs. what I wrote to my dad for his birthday, and then cry to me that I loved him more than her.  

It used to bother me, but I'm opening up TONS of wounds about her lately and those memories enrage me to the point where I can't even see straight.  It's not healthy.  

So there I stand in Target, hating all card makers.  Because I have absolutely, positively, nothing nice to say to that nasty piece of work in a card.  And I resent that I still feel "pressure" to write the right thing.  It never dies, does it?  The guilt?

[Blondy90]

Hi Foodie,

Sounds like the big events trigger a lot of pain for you regarding your mum's BPD. The behaviour you mentioned about your mum comparing cards does not surprise me at all. My dBPD sister did similar things and was constantly comparing my mum's treatment of me to how she treated my sister. There are so many contradicitions in behaviour with BPD. They crave so hard to be loved and adored and respected but at the same time go out of their way to push people away and divulge themselves in their fantasies of being treated badly by family members and being alone in their struggle through life. They find it very, very difficult to empathise and are often unaware of how much they are hurting you as they cannot understand how you feel and in their mind things only happen to them and no one else. If I bring a memory up (good or bad) with my sister she will only tell it to me from her point of view and how it made her feel. She won't remember how I reacted or felt or recall the joint experiences.

I can really relate to your feelings of guilt. Sometimes with my sister I have had to be nice to her after she has behaved disgustingly and it's the last thing I wanted to do.  However, underneath all of that resentment and anger there was still a part of me that wanted to make her feel wanted and loved because I had (still do have) so much love for her and understood that she wasn’t well. I felt guilty for wanting to be so nasty and cold towards her. When she was really bad and undiagnosed it was very hard to accept her behaviour because there was still that doubt that it wasn’t mental illness but pure spite that made her act the way she did. When she got diagnosed and I learnt more about BPD, I understood that a lot of the time she couldn’t control herself and it became much easier to move forward. I’m not saying her behaviour should be excused because you shouldn’t have to put up with mental and physical abuse just because she’s family but it does make it easier to see beneath the surface of the illness to the more human part of them.

I think you have a lot of healing to do. I would suggest the first step is to learn about BPD and this is a great place to do it – read other people’s stories. I’m sure there will be a lot of experiences others have had that you can share. Read more about BPD and the implications of having it.

You have to then start to deal with what you feel. Work through past experiences and emotions and although you may never forget them, you can start to accept them and recognise them. I found after this, I could emotionally detach myself from my sister and begin to protect my own mental health from the issues she created and situations she created.

Good luck on your healing journey, I know there are a lot of fantastic people on this forum that can help and I really hope you will be able to find peace and move forward from the aftermath of dealing with a parent with BPD.

[StarStruck]

Hi Foodie,

I know exactly what you mean about the process of card buying and sending when you don't mean a word of it, it's awful, also brings it all back. I can imagine especially when she gave you grieve over it

I sent a post a while back about mothers day... .about the hours I would find myself just staring into the void of cards.

You can overcome the guilt of sending a second rate card or a greeting you don't mean. It got to the stage that I was fed up with wasting the time standing in the shop... .my life trickling away for her.

What I do now is get a card for the occasion whenever I see one... at any time of year... .I make a very quick decision and genuinely do not care that it doesn't marrying up right, the pictures the words whatever. Then stick it in post when time comes up. (I've been LC with my Mom, although haven't seen her for couple of yrs as lived away... .so VLC with cards at the moment).

Good idea that was suggested on here for me, was to get a load of stuff from crafts shop and every time bday etc comes ago, fix her a card up, homemade style.  I quite liked that idea... .gets away from the card shop... ."you're a wonderful mom etc... ."

Don't waste your time on her, I know it's difficult, I've only just got to this stage but it can be done. Small thing for her to concern herself with given all the hell she's put you through. Enjoy freeing yourself up. Good luck.

[GeekyGirl]

I'm with you, foodie. I love the "simply stated" cards at Hallmark, because sometimes the ooey-gooey ones are just too over the top. You have to search around for them, but there are usually a few.

It's true that holidays and birthdays are triggers for many children of BPD parents. It's been very true for me personally. There are often high expectations put on people to "deliver" the perfect holiday, and sometimes they bring out some strong emotions. They can also bring back memories--both good and bad. I'm sure that many other members here can relate to what you're feeling.

Here's the silver lining, though: now that you know that holidays and birthdays are triggers, you can plan for them and find ways to respond to them in a healthy way.

How are you doing today?

[Contradancer]

You are not alone on the card thing. Lots of us, I suspect, have been there, and done that.

[Finding Courage]

My uBPD mom would also compare the cards/gifts I got her compared to my dad.  She would get upset if hers wasn't as "good" or if the card to my dad was more sentimental.  I have found shopping for cards for holidays, especially Mother's Day, to be very emotional and difficult.  I need a card that says, "thanks for all of the heartache you caused."  It is difficult too because she really feeds off of the attention these types of holidays are supposed to bring her.  She once ordered me to send her flowers at work for Mother's day so she could show off that I sent them.  Yuck. 

I always buy the most generic, non-sentimental card I can find and write the most simple message I can.  I feel your pain about this!

[mysoulishome]

Stuff like this is hard because it brings up deeper issues, issues we don't often have time or take time to focus on. You want to find a card that says what you MEAN but what the hell DO you mean? What do you WANT to say? Or are you just sending it out of obligation? (The FOG = fear, obligation, and guilt... .which is basically the operating system of us children of BPD parents). There isn't a FOG section of cards, unfortunately.

I would recommend focusing on digging deeper, really focus on the bigger picture and dig deep.

How do you really feel about her? Do you love her? Do you want her in your life, and why or why not? How much are you thinking about pleasing her vs. your own well being? What do you wish for her, and what are you willing to do to help? Is she capable of really appreciating you, or being helped?

Personally, I feel like this board is a great jumping off point, a sounding board. You know you will find incredible people who UNDERSTAND what you are going through more than almost anyone else. More than most therapists will, more than a spouse usually will.

I think the card is a good jumping off point in this way to drawing boundaries and figuring out exactly what YOU want your relationship with your mother to be. Take it to a therapist and really figure it out. It shouldn't be this hard... .it doesn't have to be. You deserve better.