Getting locked out

[shammick]

Over the last two months, things have gotten much better, episodes less frequent for my uBPDw. But the last two days something triggered her. I won't go into details about what triggered it, but just wanted to reflect on how the situation unfolded the day after the initial conflict for some feedback.

It was a day of chaos yesterday as the conflict continued from the evening before. The day before, I conducted myself well and without reacting, in response to her dysregulation, but she misread all my actions, projecting her fears of abandonment and self-condemnation into my neutral or positive actions. I did not practice SET or IAMMAD, being too tired and discouraged by her negativity to engage with her at that time. I carried on with my day yesterday, the day after, going to work, and then going out to dinner with her and the kids. She was cold to me the entire time despite my attempts to communicate. Then last night she locked me out of the house while I was doing the recycling at the back of our house, bolting the door shut. [This has been a pattern in the past, her locking me out of the house, but we have talked about this and she has come to an agreement about not doing it anymore]. I went to the front door which was also bolted, then came back to the back door, which was still bolted, and forced my way in by putting pressure on the door (it was already on the verge of breaking); I then went to our front door, unscrewed the front door bolt, threw it away. I despise being locked out of my own home, and she had promised never to do this again. She then lost control, shouting and screaming, throwing things at me, hitting me with a broom handle, punching me. At one point I pushed passed her in the stairwell, not hurting her but going around her and not letting her stop me from getting into the house. She was trying to force me back out of the house in her anger. I was in jeans and a tshirt and it was freezing outside.

This all happened in front of our two boys, 6 and 2 yo. They were distraught and horrified at what mommy was doing to daddy. My 6yo even tried to get in the way and stop her raging. Stop being violent, mommy! He yelled to her, to no avail of course. I tried to send them to their room to protect them.

I'm really tired of all this. Just when it seemed like things were getting better, now this. When will it ever end? I have half the mind to leave her and not look back. Ever. But I know I won't do this. For the kids and also for her.

She takes me for granted in so many ways and is so abusive towards me in return. Though the episodes have gotten less frequent recently, still it's just not right when this happens. I would give up all the good times we have had and the stable times we have had, if I could simply erase the rages and the destruction, on me and my kids.

What am I thinking? Have I been fooling myself? Is this possible? Will things ever change?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

It sounds like you handled this about as well as possible.  I'm glad you removed the bolts from the doors.  Make sure you keep an extra key hidden outside too. 

Change is possible, but it's always wise to make sure your expectations for change are realistic.  There is no tool that transforms her into someone she is not.  In the relationship there is work that you must do.  There is work that she must do. And there is some work you can do together.  In all of that, you are only responsible for your indivudual work and your side of the relationship dynamic.  As you make changes, she will react and change too.

Don't rely on her promises.  They are quickly forgotten when she dysregulates and old behavior patterns re-emerge.  Actions will speak louder than words everytime.

Hang in there.  Protect yourself and your kids as much as you can.  Keep working on the communication issue defending your boundaries.

[ugghh]

I have been there as well. Even as recently as 3 weeks ago uBPDw went into major dysregulation as D20 returned home from school for Thanksgiving break.   D20 has not only been having a great year at school she has made great progress in therapy there and has been working hard to enforce boundaries with the momster who typically is in the Queen type, that all children should love and bow to her because she is the mother and the Witch type, who craves power and control.  If you have not read or heard of Christine Lawson's book on Understanding the Borderline Mother, I highly recommend even reading the summary.

On the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, she somehow decided that the combination of my working all day and then stopping for some Thanksgiving day breakfast items translated into I was having an affair.  Say what?  I had already had a long week at work and when she demanded that I not sleep in "her" bedroom I gladly found quiet on the couch, finally falling asleep at around 3 am, only to be roused by her at 7:30 am Thanksgiving Day, ready to have another round.   After full morning of more dysfunction I enforced my boundary by leaving for a family members house.  D20 came along.  We returned about 4 -5 hours later to -- a locked door.  Of course the advantage we have is that teenage sons were still in the house and a simple knock got us in.  She played the lockout game for about 2 more days until she finally slowed down.

Shammick, I suppose for some it can change.  It did not for me and that is why after 25 years I finally took the step to begin the divorce process this week.  A few days after I left the house for the last time about a week ago I called my D20 to thank her for the best gift I have ever received -- 18 months ago she called me every day for 6 weeks to nag me to get a therapist for myself.  It was the process of going through therapy for me that helped me discern what was right for my family.  My T never told me what to do, he just kind of kept repeating some basic thoughts.  1- that I was a good father and had a good relationship with all my kids, 2 - that it was okay to have needs of my own , but that I would have to explicitly tell them to my uBPDw, because she would never pick up on any subtlety, and 3 - MOST IMPORTANT - Her condition is CHRONIC.

No matter what I did, unless she both recognized and admitted the issue was hers and hers alone and unless she sought help nothing will change! Please, please find a good therapist just for yourself.

[shammick]

An update.

Thanks for the replies, it's always helpful to hear another perspective. So two days after the raging/locking out/violence. it took me an entire day to recover. I was stunned/smarting from the emotional wounds and in shock most of that day, but slowly came out of the FOG. Went to pick up my S6 from school (my uBPDw had told me the previous day that she was going to keep our son at home that day and go shopping with him since she was feeling lonely; I didn't let her do this and did the drop-off/pick up instead of going into work). But I when I went to pick up my son after school I was surprised to see her car, and realized that she had changed her mind and was there already to pick him up. Well, not so surprised once I thought about it; rather than staying, I left, and called her to make sure she indeed did pick him up from school. She said she didn't want to cook and was going to go out to eat; I said, Ok, but that I wouldn't join her. I get home, but having taken a different route, I arrived a few moments after she did, and not wanting to escalate the situation and create conflict, I go to the supermarket and go to get some groceries and dinner for myself. When I came back about 45 minutes later, she texts me and accuses me of infidelity because of the extra 45 minutes and says, Well, are you going to eat with us or not? I said, No, I will eat at home (thinking that she was now out with the kids at a restaurnt). She says, So are we. So I go into the house, and there they are eating dinner already; I have my own dinner (what I had bought at the supermarket) and sit down and eat with them. She was still treating me with contempt, which for her expresses itself in a combination of cold shoulder and verbal attacks and put-downs in front of the children.

She put a new bolt on a the back door, which I had removed because she had locked me out. I removed it again, and when she saw this, she again started raging. I said, I am not going to let you lock me out again, this is the consequence of you doing that two nights ago. But she was not in a mood to reason, and began screaming and becoming physical again. I made her promise to never lock me out of the house again, which she did, and wanting to move things forward, I took her word and put the lock back on. But I was feeling fed up and wanting space from her, so I began to withdraw out of the room. But she would not have this and stood in my way, wanting to talk [ie yell/fight] about it right there with the kids. She again became physical and, not wanting to engage her, I pushed past her and said, Now is not the time, we'll talk about it tonight at 10 when the kids are asleep. In the course of this altercation, she lost balance and fell on her behind. Not hard, but the way she reacted made it seem as though I had tackled her and she had broken her leg or something.

At this point, I should also say that my wife is right now 35 weeks pregnant. This makes me even more upset, that she would do this to herself, ie become physical with me and provoke me by getting in my face, grabbing my arms, pinching and scratching, and putting her belly between us almost daring me to strike back her.

When I finally got free, and having some time to reflect, I realized that I needed to leave the house. I did some reading about physical abuse/BPD, and realized I just needed to get to a place where I knew I was safe so that I could have clarity. Without her knowing I booked a nearby hotel online. She put the kids to bed, and also fell asleep with them. We were both exhausted, not sleeping much the night before. I packed my things and quietly left, while she slept, and when I got to the hotel, I sent her an email saying that I just needed some space, to recover from 1. the lockout; 2. the physical violence, and that I would do everything needed for childcare/things around the house for the next three days/nights which I had booked the hotel for, just let me know.

Finally, peace as I got to the hotel. But about half an hour later, just as I sent the email, she called my phone. I did not pick up at first. She said she was going into labor and asked whether I wanted to be there for the birth; I doubted whether this was actually the case, but I asked if she wanted me to be there. She said, No, no way, you're not going to be part of this child's life at all. She was in audible distress, sobbing and wailing on the other end. She called my parents to pressure them to make me come home. I reviewed everything in my head and doubted whether she was really going into labor. But she did fall on her behind, and I began feeling bad and I didn't want to take the chance if she really was going into early labor. So I drove home. This was around 11.30pm.

When I got home I asked her some questions, and soon realized she wasn't in physical distress and that she was playing it up. nevertheless, there I was, and having a bit more clarity from that one hour of peace, I decided to engage her. So we talked and I used the tools, validation, validation validation. Of course she blamed me for this whole thing in the last few days. Me not listening to her, me not caring about her, me being selfish, me not doing my part, me ignoring her, me hurting her by throwing away the lock, me not communicating with her, me making assumptions. I did not defend myself and I apologized for my part in all of it. Sensing her lowered guard, i then went in for the kill/truth... .Let me tell you how I feel, I began. You crossed two boundaries of mine, that really, really hurt me; you locked me out of my own house, and you physically assaulted me repeatedly, hitting me with an umbrella, a broomstick, and with your fists. That is not acceptable. I need to get some space, and I am still going to stay at the hotel the next three nights. I had dropped hints about this almost as soon as I had stepped in the door and sensed that she wasn't going into labor that night. I didn't want her to think that now that I was home, we'll talk, everything will be ok and go back to normal, and then drop the hammer on her that I would be leaving again.

But she still didn't receive it well, crying hysterically and saying, this is the end, if you leave, our marriage is over, you can't do this to me.

I said, No, I know I have to do this. I don't know what you are going to do and what is going to happen, but I know that I have to do this, FOR ME. I need this space from you. And I turned around left.

She pursued me out the door, this was now around 2.30a she was in her pj's and bare feet, I was still in jacket/shoes since I kind of knew that this would happen and never took them off. She was in complete meltdown at that point, on our back deck in the middle of the night in the open air in the rain, must have woken our neighbours up.

I turned around and said, Don't do this, go back inside. She wouldn't. So I said, Ok, let's talk about this inside. I escorted her back inside. And she said, I can't handle this; if you leave, I'm going to go crazy, pacing this house, I'll end up calling the ambulance, and the police, and your parents again... .I know I can't handle it if you leave... .please, don't leave... .you can sleep in your study or in the kids room, just don't leave. I looked at her and suddenly felt compassion for her. I made a judgment call that she wasn't being manipulative or threatening anymore, but was now being honest. This seemed to me a moment of clarity for her. She knew I would leave, that I had made all the arrangements for it already, and that I would be firm about it if she crossed that boundary. And so I said, I won't leave tonight... .But remember this, never, ever hit me again; I never ever want this to escalate into this kind of fighting with you, or I WILL LEAVE.

I don't think she took full ownership of her violence/raging and still felt somehow justified in it, but I felt that she finally understood that this is a non-negotiable for me now and I think (I hope) she will adjust accordingly.

I'm not fully recovered yet, but I feel like this is a huge step forward for us. I still need some space from her and she seems to get this and has not been in my face today.

I'm at the hotel now, since it's prepaid and it's quiet and I can do some work here. She understood this and accepted it. I will go home once I am done and sleep at home.

Thanks for listening. Time to do some work.

[SweetCharlotte]

Wow, 35 weeks pregnant! That explains a lot. Is she expecting a boy, by any chance? From what I've read (and experienced, as the Mom of a boy and a girl), carrying a boy adds to a woman's male hormones (androgens), even giving her some androgens that she never had before. These can lead to more aggressive behavior. When I was carrying my son, I had rape dreams IN WHICH I WAS THE RAPIST. Never had such dreams before or since.

Pregnancy at the very least makes a woman more emotionally needy and yet more combative, hence likely to alienate those near and dear to her. Can you rely more on extended family to be with her and do some "early babysitting," as it were? Get relatives and/or close friends in there with her so that you are not the lone lioness tamer.

About the locked doors, I've also read that when pwBPD develop this habit, the SO must always carry a set of keys and there should be at least one door without a bolt on it. Tell her it is a safety measure in case of fire or something like that.

Good luck and I hope that all goes well with the newest addition to your family.