Distraught

[Ridingthewaves]

I am new here and the history of my relationship is so complicated that I dont even know where to start. But lets say ubddbf - ex fiance - recycled I dont know how many times, three marriage proposals, followed by two weeks of engagement each , after which he picked a fight with me , dis-regulated, abandoned me, then silent treatment, usually lasting one to two weeks, then back, apologies, starting over ... .minus a long two months break in the summer. This last summer. We have known each other 3.5 years and dating for 2 years.

After last break up, he came here to my town ( long distance relationship) with his son and his 75 year old mother. He told me he had missed me , I was his family, major demonstrations of love. After which he went home and did not communicate with me - at all - for three weeks. Then he came back and said that he had needed time to think prior to recommitting all the way, but he was now ready. This was in September. Since then it has been one variety of hell after the next. Every time we get to the point where I cant take it any more and draw lines and tell him I am ready to walk. He then calms down and settles. We had a whole month of peace until the week before thanksgiving. On Nov 15th he started dysregulating and it has not gone back to normal yet. He now claims that the relationship is not important to him and not a priority. That he is now focused on other things and yet he wont let me break up with him - I dont know how to explain this one -but I start the break up talk and he straightened out and the next day he is pulling away again. The push pull is on such rapid cycle, I am feeling like I am going to have a nervous breakdown.

Example, Tuesday night we had a three hour breakthrough conversation. This was triggered by me saying it did not feel he wanted to be with me any more and that I was ready to let him go. Follows deep conversation, with resolution and towards the end him telling me he now feels so close to me and thank you for making him talk and that all is going to be ok. We agree to talk the next day and consolidate Christmas visit dates (which have been on agenda since September). Next day I am on video talk with him as agreed to talk dates and he is cold and harsh and so distant it felt like ice. I approached the dates talk and he said yes to dates then changed the subject and started talking of something else. It was literally like : yep 18 to the 2nd is fine. Anyway, I bought a new basket for the cat, etc. No "That's great, looking forward to seeing you" or "Great that you have forgiven me for raging at you and abandoning you for 4 weeks" - Harsh cold cutting tone that cut into my heart like ice. Its like he knew it and was doing this on purpose to hurt me.

Then he saw I was upset, asked me what was the matter (raging) and then shouted at me to "Back off" - he was so emotionally violent with this that it literally cut my breath and I started crying. After which he said he was joking. Then he said " I said sorry. I said sorry 5 times ( not true), what else am I supposed to say (raging). I am sorry. I love you. I am sorry. I love you. There ... .happy? (all of this said raging and with sarcasm)"

I made my excuses and left the call. After which I was in such emotional pain I was literally in the fetal position on the floor holding my belly and screaming from the emotional pain. Because its been two years of this. Because its been a month and relentless and I dont know how to make him stop. Because I cant get any peace. Because every day its conflict or abandonment and yet I dont know how to get away from him. I dont know how to shield myself from him. And he does not hear me when he is like this. Its all twisted around in his crazy head.

The crazy thing about all this. The night before he was normal. We had a normal exchange, normal talk. Why does this not last, why does it not fix. I need to for this to settle out, I cant take it. And yet if I dont show up for this call tonight, he will take it as rejection and double the voltage of the rage. I cant win.

I am just so tired I cant even think straight.

And all stuff aside, he ruined my thanksgiving. He was raging and he left for 8 days with no communication. He is now going to ruin Christmas too.

Today I wrote him a long letter saying that I am canceling my Christmas visit and that I cant talk to him anymore while he is like this and that I cannot be with him until he truly knows he wants to be back and committed to the relationship. I also said that as much as I loved him I was not willing to be shouted at and abused. And that the on again off again, hot cold thing had to stop. And yet if I send it, who knows what will happen. He could straighten out, he could retaliate, he could stick the knife in even deeper. I know that if I send this email letter I need to be prepared to let the relationship go once and for all. I was there and ready this morning and now the grief of it all is just hitting me.

I am in over my head. I dont know where to go from here. I some times feel like I am dealing with two people in one body. One normal and the other is evil and sadistic and completely out of control. He is like this about one month out of three. Rollercostser ride of a lifetime.

I am exhuasted and hurt.

I have read all the lessons. I was doing ok with things until this last cycle hit. He is more dysregulated than ever and my own emotions are now a mess, because its ben going on for too long. I cant hold this space of crazy for this long. Its like he pushes until I find my ultimate boundary. And then he settles. But I am starting to feel this is how it will always be. And yet the love is real and deep both ways. How does one reconcile this kind of thing. Its so hard.

Thank you for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi Ridingthewaves

So sorry to hear you are going through this with your partner, I see and feel your heartbreak in your words, and yes it is.

Wondering what is going on in his life at present, you say he has his 75 year old Mother with him, and also his son. Is he taking care of his Mother as well as his son? Or is his Mother taking care of him and his son?

How is he doing financially and home wise? Does he have his own home/rental? Or is he staying with his Mother? Does he work? Do you work full time?

Sounds like you have the stress of the Long Distance Relationship going on, (which will trigger his abandonment issues majorly) and also yours too, along with some other big stresses in the background adding to it all.

Since he has BP, it sounds possible that the relationship with his elderly Mother will be dysfunctional as well, so that will be the biggest stressor on his list.

As it is, people with BPD cannot handle stress very well, and it seems the more stress they are under personally, the worse their acting out can be, (hence the verbal abuse and aggression).

It can help to identify exactly what issues are presenting in his life, (from what he talks to you about) and yours, and then figure out what you can do to change things, make things easier etc for yourself.

I can see that you really love him and want to make it work, but you also deserve to be treated with kindness not cruelty.

My partner uses the excuse that he is upset when he becomes verbally abusive around me, or aggressive, and I keep telling him that he has to find a way to manage his own emotions before they do real damage to the people he loves, (he says this is only me).

It is likely that your partner will lack the ability to have a logical and rational look at what is creating the stress in his life, well, he may be able to identify it and talk about it, but fixing it, is a different story.

In my experience they only do what suits them to cope, and they are not always the best choices for them, or the least expensive.

I am in no way an expert on these matters so I don't mean to sound like I am, merely someone who like you loves someone with BP and sees similarities in what you are writing of.

Good luck anyway

[Ridingthewaves]

In his life - his mother does not live with him, so thats not the issue - but he has a very difficult relationship with the ex wife with who he shares custody of a child, who he adores. The child is 10 years old, he is 53, I am 46. Ex wife is in my opnion a narcissist - she is very destructive and triggers him on purpose just for the power kick. The relationship between the two has always been bad, but they had 50% custody. Lately she managed to persuade him to make the kid be with her during the week and the kid is very upset as he does not like living with her. And he does not seem to be able to stand his ground with her. He just gets incredibly upset and argues, but does not take any proactive action. This issue has been ongoing in the background for as long as I have known him.

The other stressor/change is a positive stressor - he just got a very lucky break in his career, in entertainment industry, and he is getting paid more than ever, with bigger audience and exposure. He was already a bit of a workaholic and now he is a workaholic on steroids - he is obsessive about work, which I guess is a form of anxiety. I could deal with the workload if it did not turn into him cutting me out like I dont exist and raging at me due to the stress. The thing is when he is in this mode he does not make the connection stress = his feelings. To him it is me. And he forgets I exist. He even forgets we were ever happy. when I remind him of this summer for example he looks at me like it never happened. When we talk none of his memories add up.

I only made the connection that he has BPD in May after a friend suggested it. But now I am thinking that he is much more unstable than I realized. Thing is hes making me unstable too :-( The stress especially of the abandonment stuff, is almost unbearable to me. I have abandonment issues from childhood also, and have worked on them in therapy, but his silent treatment leaving and getting irrational after a while start to really get to me :-( The fact that he then can be normal for months at a time makes these episodes even more disturbing to me, because I never know when they will end :-( This may be the longest one yet.

Me, my life - I am self employed at the end of a PhD program. I would move but he does not want me to move now. Because now, he is in push mode. Now relationship does not matter any more to him, even if two months ago I was his everything. Now this patterns - this is the fourth time he does this - see three engagements that went down the drain. I feel embarrassed at times that I am still here, going through this. The line between unstable and full on abuse I am in is a fine one, I feel.

I really dont know what to do this time. Trying to just breathe :-(

[Ridingthewaves]

Brief update and small success.

I was so distressed two days ago after he was so hurtful towards me after one hole month of dysregulation. I did not know what to do and I was afraid that if I pulled out he would take it as rejection  or an insult, and break up or strat another round of drama and silent treatment - my biggest fear as the silent treatment triggers my abandonment in major ways. Also we are at 5 days away from me going to stay with him for the holidays and part of me was besides myself that even this close to Christmas all this crap was still going on.

But I decided I just could not talk to him. I was in such a dark space and could not have another upsetting late night conversation.

So I decided to send him a note and to make it truthful but non confrontational.

I told him I was feeling very raw and vulnerable and that I needed some time to soothe my emotions. That I was concerned that if I talked to him, my emotions would get the best of me and that I may make things between us worst. That I was certain that he had been willing to call me and that I thanked him for that ( as I had asked him to call me the next day as lately he always disappears). But that I felt that I needed some rest. Maybe this could be a way for both of us to take some time out and reset the energy. I told him also that I loved him, wished him a peaceful and good night and that I looked forward to talking tomorrow night.

He replied immediately and thanked me ( not sure why). And said that he was just about to call, but that he would call me tomorrow.

Today I stayed all day off skype ( we talk on there sometimes). I truly needed the space as I was still feeling very hurt and depressed.

When he called tonight he asked me immediately how I was doing. he said he had messaged me on skype but I was not there. I said I had been offline because I was soothing my emotions. That I had had a very inward day and that I was still cocooning. And he said ok. He paused and was very thoughtful. And then he talked about his day. FIRST NORMAL PEACEFUL CONVERSATION IN A WHOLE MONTH followed. We talked for an hour, even about me visiting and he was calm and considerate. He did not apologize, but I felt the apology in his tone. And in the lack of rage and harshness. He was back to being nurturing and loving.

I was so frightened when I sent him that message last night. Frightened it would just trigger even more stuff. But I chose all I statements, tried to make it about my needs not about what he had done. And to be loving towards him. And I tried to keep it very short. It seems to have worked in breaking the bad cycle. Hopefully it will last at least a couple of weeks as I am really tired.

Thank you for reading.