Several Boards... Wider Perspectives

[Monarch Butterfly]

   Happy New Year´s Everyone!  

I was spending the day by myself and reading everybodys posts.    It just feels so good to have some peace while my uPBDh is out celebrating with the kids at his parents house. I have refused to go since I have asked to separate. (I'm proud of myself for that one! Took some guts) I was talked into going to the Christmas party - won´t repeat that mistake again. My holidays are mine from here on out.

Anyway, while I was reading over several posts it just dawned on me that one day in the near future my kids might be posting on this website too, telling people about how terrible their father is and the damage he made them go through. That thought caught my attention. Up to this point I have been working so hard on getting "me" back to life that I haven´t even thought of my kids. Now that I'm out of emotional ICU, and am starting to live again, I saw what I have been neglecting for a long time:my kids. The most I had thought about them is that I have to get out of this relationship so they don´t get hurt, but nothing deeper than that. Then I started reading the posts from the children of pwBPD - eye opener. 

So far they are still very young, 9 and 7, but I already have to work on rewording my husbands words to them in later opportunities when he isn't around so they don´t get to horribly scared. I can´t directly override his comments in his presence because he´ll flip - and I know that goes, but the kids dont. Hope they never learn. They dont deserve to see their father that way. 

I can´t get out quickly -- maybe a year or two, even more. I guess I should be posting this on the staying board since I have to stay unwillingly until I can make my moves. Oh how I want out so badly... .  :'(

My questions are:

(1) how do you keep your kids mentally and emotionally safe from the comments and behavior? They cant do the things I'm reading here on the lessons and boards. They cant see who he really is and they look up to him.  But when he is "teaching" them, they just take it all in. So how do I teach them to be safe? I saw nothing directly aimed for kids, just adults. Advice, please!

(2) What will happen if I constantly keep going behind his back to "undo" what he says? What kind of respect will that teach them?  What kind of mother role will that show them? That my son's future wife will be degrading his opinions? That my daughter has permission to be two-faced? That's what I feel like - not saying anything at the present moment to not make things worse, but then later, telling them a whole different story.

Example: I just cant sit there and let him say stuff like "I've told you a thousand times to eat with the fork like normal people do! You eat like an animal. Why can't you learn a simple thing like that? What's wrong with you? You'll never learn to eat straight, like a decent human!". This all going to a 7 year old, that picked up a piece of pizza with is hands. I like to eat pizza with my hands, but don't, not to tick him off. So comments like that make me want to drop my fork, pick up a big piece and shove it all in my mouth. Of course I don't because I'm stuck in this gap of role being a good mother against wanting him to **** off. Pardon my french.

Any lessons I happened to miss, please post. Any ideas, stories, Anything! I will for sure start to reread all the staying posts because in this short time I have to make it work for the kids, until my bags are packed and some boss out there signs a paycheck. I am reading everything that I can... .


Maybe I should just move out now and worry about how to pay the bills when they come... .

[Turkish]

I am sorry, MB, your post is heartbreaking to read. My Ex isn't quite that emotionally dysregulated, but then our kids are younger. I've already observed her devaluation of men towards our S3 here and there. I hate it!

Maybe you can check out this book, as it gets good reviews. Probably applicable to a father wBPD.

An Umbrella for Alex

Do you think you can take the SET technique and alter it slightly so your children can understand it? Maybe they can practice on each other first, if you think you can talk to them honestly about what's going on... .keeping in mind to take the conversation to their developmental level.

[Monarch Butterfly]

Thank you Turkish... . I'll look into the book. I've heard about it before, but actually never ordered it.

I really don't think I can talk to my children about half of what's going on. Somedays even I don't get it. When I think I do, he changes the parameters and I'm lost again. I havent even told them that we're getting a divorce in some near future. My uBPDh did move into my son`s room and is sleeping on the extra bed there. When my s7 asked me why, I said I had kicked dad out of my bedroom because he snores too loud. We both laughed.

  How do you tell your kids that the man I vowed to love and cherish is really younger emotionally than they are and that is why I choose not to be abused by him anymore? That his love isn`t really love at all? I mean, how in the world does that go over... . Maybe one day when they are safe with me in some other city and older - teenagers maybe, we could go over somethings if they ask. Nah... . Maybe when they are young adults and looking for partners I'll tell them the real story of "who dad is". 

[Turkish]

Thank you Turkish... . I'll look into the book. I've heard about it before, but actually never ordered it.

I really don't think I can talk to my children about half of what's going on. Somedays even I don't get it. When I think I do, he changes the parameters and I'm lost again. I havent even told them that we're getting a divorce in some near future. My uBPDh did move into my son`s room and is sleeping on the extra bed there. When my s7 asked me why, I said I had kicked dad out of my bedroom because he snores too loud. We both laughed.

 How do you tell your kids that the man I vowed to love and cherish is really younger emotionally than they are and that is why I choose not to be abused by him anymore? That his love isn`t really love at all? I mean, how in the world does that go over... . Maybe one day when they are safe with me in some other city and older - teenagers maybe, we could go over somethings if they ask. Nah... . Maybe when they are young adults and looking for partners I'll tell them the real story of "who dad is".  

Hi again MB, I've gotten advice from several people who've been through similar situations. One is that the kids only care about how it will affect them (try to think at their age level). Two is that most kids may not say it, but most eventually figure things out, by virtue of you/me being the stable parent. They need us as that rock. I read your pain and the sense of the injustice of it all, but we must also watch out for engaging in parental alienation. Love them, be their shelter. They will get it. This goes both ways, so you can watch out for it.

The complex issue of alienated children

Btw, my #1dating advice for mykids will be "ask them extensively about their family, especially their r/s with the opposite sex parent!

[Kadee]

My kids are young adults now. I finally asked their dad to,leave a year ago. We are beginning to undo the damage together. Neither of them will have any type of relationship with him. They are happier than I've ever seen them, and so am I. I keep communication open with them and sometimes they will talk about it. They have a hard time remembering anything positive, because it is overshadowed by the negative. I wish I would have left when they were younger. They are s22 and d18 now. They did not have a normal childhood. Teen years were roughest. But all in God's timing. We will be ok. Slow and steady, we've been stomping on the eggshells. StbxuBPDh still condemns my parenting, but somehow, God helped me to raise two great kids in spite of him.

So hang in there, try to keep half their lives normal, we'll all end up ok.

[Monarch Butterfly]

Thanks Turkish! Just read the article, and have to admit I was heading towards a road of pure alienation, and that isn't a good choice. So thanks for the heads up.

Kadee, I share your views: God helps us raise our kids despite the conflict. After all, He is a wonderful loving Father.

[broken3]

MB,

Sometimes the appearance of being a loving parent is the complete opposite. What I mean by that is that merely showing love is not being a good parent. Your kids would love you all day and night if you let them have candy all day and stay up till midnight, miss school, be their rescuer when a schoolyard bully comes knocking, putting them on meds for anxiety because of bad grades etc.

I have found that with my 10 year old son that the small diversions and hints go a long way.

I.E. Whats wrong with eating pizza with your hands? I eat hamburgers and chips all the time with my hands.

Or when it comes to lifes social stresses and anxieties. I simply say that sometimes we have to understand that life can sometimes be hard. But it is how you tackle that challenge that makes you who you will be in the future. There is no magic pill to fix things. And you need to navigate certain hard things in life to make you the best person you can be. Then give a few suggestions.

Keep in mind there will probably be alienation in the future if not now.

Just keep focused and always take the high road. If something is brought to your attention from the little ones. Just simply acknowledge it. Say that you know thats not true. And point out that its not nice to say bad things or not so nice or make up things about other people.

I leave it at that.

9 times out of ten. The seeds that are planted makes them grow into a fantastic human being as they then feel empowered that they can make good decisions and are good people.

Isn't that what every parent wants?

Also, the whole idea that kids only care about how it will affect them is crap... .

The kids, in MHO. Have a deep seated need and want for stability and love. That is why years later they begin to see how their actions affected their character. Sometimes it's an "ah ha!" moment. Sometimes just through a life experience.

Daddy or Mommy maybe a bit sad sometimes. They feel a need inside of themselves to be the rescuer. So they tend to be drawn to the sad parent to try and make things better.

Just my two cents... .