Can't Let Go

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Today has been awful.  I have a migraine from crying and screaming over this relationship. 

I feel thoroughly wrecked. 

As most of you have read my story I have been in an 18mo lesbian relationship that was an emotional roller coaster. 

It is hard not to blame myself as this was my first relationship with a woman. Anytime I was struggling with something she dumped me.  When I told my best friend I was gay she told me she couldn't be friends.  I cancelled dinner with my ex because I was sad and needed to process it. 

She dumped me. When I tried to talk to her she ran off to Minnesota to be with her ex.

Threatened a restraining order when I tried to get closure. 

She returned a month later. 

Now she dumped me a week before my birthday. Said we should see other people but could be best friends. 

I find out she is sleeping with someone I thought was a friend.  When I tried to talk to her again she said the failure of this was my fault and she was out of my life forever.  Changed her number, blocked me on Facebook and email.  Told everyone I was awful to her. 

I am sitting here a week before Christmas devastated and betrayed

Physically and mentally ill from this.

She has dumped me 6x in 18mo and I still want her to come back

I can't get past this and it's killing me. 

[Pretty Woman]

Today has been awful.  I have a migraine from crying and screaming over this relationship. 

I feel thoroughly wrecked. 

As most of you have read my story I have been in an 18mo lesbian relationship that was an emotional roller coaster. 

It is hard not to blame myself as this was my first relationship with a woman. Anytime I was struggling with something she dumped me.  When I told my best friend I was gay she told me she couldn't be friends.  I cancelled dinner with my ex because I was sad and needed to process it. 

She dumped me. When I tried to talk to her she ran off to Minnesota to be with her ex.

Threatened a restraining order when I tried to get closure. 

She returned a month later. 

Now she dumped me a week before my birthday. Said we should see other people but could be best friends. 

I find out she is sleeping with someone I thought was a friend.  When I tried to talk to her again she said the failure of this was my fault and she was out of my life forever.  Changed her number, blocked me on Facebook and email.  Told everyone I was awful to her. 

I am sitting here a week before Christmas devastated and betrayed

Physically and mentally ill from this.

She has dumped me 6x in 18mo and I still want her to come back

I can't get past this and it's killing me. 

[necchi]

Angel, i feel your pain,you have been around about the same time i was, i to yearn for her call, her astonishing awakening but i come to realize that it's not for me. You are to mu h for her, you will get someone who deserves you, who respect the angel that you are. Me to I'm alone ,feel alone and want to be left alone but this plane will land soon and we will get to were we want to go. Just hold on, please hold on has this will give me hope to do the same.

                xxx

[maxen]

hi EA.    i'm so sorry you're in this, it's the worst feeling imaginable. you're going through every horrible thing that can happen. try to ride it out, keep riding it our with us, we know.

[Ironmanrises]

Earth,

Keep posting on here. Let it out. You know that we will hear you. Your path, although it feels and seems like one you are undertaking alone, is the same path that we all on here walk with you. 

[damage control]

So sorry you are going through this Earth Angel.

The holidays exacerbate the loneliness and futility we feel ... .and knowing they are with our replacement/s and are going to be with someone while we are alone - it's enough to drive anybody batsh&t crazy.

Thing is ... .you aren't alone ... not in how you feel or what you are going through. You have us and we have you and while it is far from perfect or ideal, it's something.

[myself]

Anytime I was struggling with something she dumped me. 

It may be easier to let go by accepting that she may have not ever really been there in the same ways you were. I know, I'm having to face this too. If someone isn't there when things are bad, are they there when things are good? It gets confusing. The pains of betrayal. Taking on more than what is ours. Old wounds being exposed with the new. Letting go of what is hurting us is one of the best things we can do, and we're already doing it. Hang in there as you're letting go, Earth Angel. Making peaceful moves.

[Traumatized]

I hear you earth angel.  I relate to almost everything you post and am going through similar agony! 

I can't get over my ex either.  I've never been through such excruciating emotional pain that has devastated me so completely.  I still cry every single day.  I dry heave a lot.  In fact I consider it a "good" day if I don't dry heave.  I'm still losing weight.  I barely work.  I can't seem to "get it together."  I've come so close to killing myself that 911 was called and I ended up in a psych ward.  It's been a total nightmare!

She left a friendly message for me last week saying she wanted to apologize and talk to me about something.  That was shocking!  However, I was emotionally in no condition to deal with her.  I couldn't take one more ounce of pain or rejection from her, so I didn't call her back.  My psychiatrist at the psych ward told me I need to talk to her, but in the meantime I should take whatever she gives me.  I should have followed his advice because I didn't take what she gave me and now she is ignoring me again.  I texted her a few days ago, then called and left a message for her tonight.  So far she hasn't responded.  Will she?  Won't she?  If she does which version of her will I get?  The friendly one who wanted to apologize or the mean, angry one who wants to stick the knife in me and twist it further?

I've been preparing intensely for any possible re-engagement I may have with her.  I've learned as much as I can about BPD, reviewed our entire relationship, identified the things I did wrong, identified the negative emotions she feels and grudges she holds against me.  I've tried to see things from her point of view, written down the questions/statements she frequently jams me with and have attempted to come up with validating answers that I can memorize.  I'm trying so hard!  I feel like I'm studying for the BAR exam or something!  I may only have one shot at this so I want to be ready.

[heartandwhole]

EarthAngel,

I'm very sorry that you are in so much pain.  Detachment is so hard.    We're here for you and believe that you will get through this.

How are you doing today?

[Pretty Woman]

Heart and Whole,

    I am still sleeping a lot but trying to forgive myself so I can move forward.  I am jealous she left me for a friend.  I was so happy she was making friends. This split my group in half. 

I just want to feel the way I felt before I met her.  She wrecked me emotionally.  I thought I was lonely then. I was more lonely in this. 

I didn't even know what BPD was until she dumped me a third time each time telling me she would never speak to me again.

I googled " multiple breakups" and found BPD.  Everything including the relationship recycling was before my eyes. 

[huhhuh]

Earth Angel:

Sorry to hear you are struggling.

I don't think any of us knew about BPD before. And if we knew we wouldn't have fought so hard for it or got involved in the first place.

*hugs*

[Nearlybroken]

We all know your pain EA and some of us are going through the same  right now so please dont feel alone.I wish I could offer you some advice to get you through this but all I can say is I hear you.Its awful,feelings you cannot describe to anyone as there seem to be no words to describe the hurt,the injustice,the agony.But you will get through this,we all will get through.My therapist says that whilst I am recovering my "good days" will be made up of numbness but my bad days will be horrendous as that is what being on the receiving end of BPD does.But she told me to embrace every feeling as its all part of the grieving process.Sending you a big hug and  thoughts and prayers.NB.xxxxxx

[Naddred369]

Hi EA,

Stay strong. We have never met but I FEEL the same pain. Same hurt. Same dreams of what if!

Ive had 2 great essentially happy days. Now im down... .But not out.

The only way out of this emotional mess is THROUGH!

Time will heal us... .As long as we stay nc and never go back.

We MUST focus on ourselves, our dreams, our goals. It helps to move things forward.

When my mind defaults to thinking of her I just say" STOP NOW" and get pi#@ed off with myself. Shifts focus.

Im rooting/ cheering for you coz if you can heal then I can and so can all us poor sods on here!

Hugs to all!

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hey EA,

I too can relate.  I'm running one single sentence from an email over and over, she knew EXACTLY how to hurt me.  Even though I miss her, I never, EVER want to see or hear from her again.  She = PAIN.

Hang on, keep posting (())

CiF

[damage control]

Heart and Whole,

    I am still sleeping a lot but trying to forgive myself so I can move forward.  I am jealous she left me for a friend.  I was so happy she was making friends. This split my group in half. 

I just want to feel the way I felt before I met her.  She wrecked me emotionally.  I thought I was lonely then. I was more lonely in this. 



I didn't even know what BPD was until she dumped me a third time each time telling me she would never speak to me again.

I googled " multiple breakups" and found BPD.  Everything including the relationship recycling was before my eyes. 

I to was lonely before him ... but I didn't know that ... it's one of the lovely gifts he has bestowed upon me ... .

Try to hang in there EA ... .watch something really simple on TV ... or something that resonated with you ... other people's stories always help me to process mine.