Getting Fed Up w/ Everyone Lobbying me to get Back w/ Ex

[frustrated b/f]

I know they mean well. Maybe its barbecue my ex and I did such a terrific job pretending like we were the perfect couple. However it's really getting annoying.

It started yesterday with me dropping my parents off at the Airport and my Dad giving me last minute advice to repair things with my Ex, that she was a special woman and he could tell.

Today I get an anonymous letter in my mailbox from someone whom I'm assuming is a friend of mine, telling me to work it out and "stop digging through the trash to find a woman with the qualities of my Ex!"

No, one, and I mean NO ONE knew What the heck I was going through. It just makes me want to say, DON'T' YOU THINK IF IT COULD'VE WORKED I WOULD HAVE MADE IT WORK!

Grrrr, It burns me up, but I can't help but think that it's because I kept shining up that pretty new car that didn't have a motor and making people believe it was fastest, most reliable car in the world!

If it wasn't for this board I'd be lost in the fog!

[momtara]

Maybe the anonymous letter was FROM your ex?  Who else would bother?

[frustrated b/f]

Maybe the anonymous letter was FROM your ex?  Who else would bother?

I thought that, but it was handwritten and I know how she writes and the language she uses.

. . . just to add, my ex is not a bad person, she has a good heart. She's just really really bad at being in relationships and I got fed up with being hand sh!t while being told it was ice cream.

[goldylamont]

frustrated b/f, i totally relate to how you are feeling. i felt the same way after the breakup. pretty much everyone thought so highly of my ex; in fact i did too much of the time until the last few months of our r/s. i had friends/neighbors/fam confused and asking what happened. and one thing i hated most was that she was also physically attractive and she is actually a really warm and kind person (when she's not the devil incarnate behind doors)... .so people would say things like "how's that beautiful girl doing now?" Or even more frustrating having yokels tell me that in *all* r/s that 50% of the issues are coming from you, etc. People mean well, but really most just can't understand. So, I hope you are able to find support here and with a few of your closest friends only who will trust you completely.

almost nobody suspected something was wrong with my ex until maybe a year after we broke up and then a variety of people started coming back to me about her behavior towards them and others. it was both heartbreaking and validating that they were seeing at least the tip of the iceberg. hang in there and always trust your instincts

[frustrated b/f]

frustrated b/f, i totally relate to how you are feeling. i felt the same way after the breakup. pretty much everyone thought so highly of my ex; in fact i did too much of the time until the last few months of our r/s. i had friends/neighbors/fam confused and asking what happened. and one thing i hated most was that she was also physically attractive and she is actually a really warm and kind person (when she's not the devil incarnate behind doors)... .so people would say things like "how's that beautiful girl doing now?" Or even more frustrating having yokels tell me that in *all* r/s that 50% of the issues are coming from you, etc. People mean well, but really most just can't understand. So, I hope you are able to find support here and with a few of your closest friends only who will trust you completely.

almost nobody suspected something was wrong with my ex until maybe a year after we broke up and then a variety of people started coming back to me about her behavior towards them and others. it was both heartbreaking and validating that they were seeing at least the tip of the iceberg. hang in there and always trust your instincts

Thanks Goldy. My ex is extremely high-functioning and cognizant of how she presents herself. I doubt I'll ever get that type of vindication, however I just want to move on with my life and have this experience be a distant memory.

Sorry my original post is so rife with typo's I was upset when I was typing and can't edit the post now.

[Pearl55]

Hey frustrated

I think she talked to your dad and asked him to talk to you. It's very common for these people to get through your family and friends to recycle you back. The same with the letter, either one of your freinds or her freinds!

If she's a high functioning one like my husband who's a psychiatrist himself, they are excellent at making you questioning your own sanity most of the time and they are more risk to our MENTAL health.

[RecycledNoMore]

Sorry my original post is so rife with typo's I was upset when I was typing and can't edit the post now. [/quote]
Actually thanks!, you just reminded me I need to clean my barbeque.

[santa]

Any anonymous letter is almost certainly from her.

I think people I know would lose a lot of respect for me if I went back to my ex. If people actually want you to get back with her, she may not be BPD. If she is BPD and no one has realized what a psycho you've been dealing with, stay away from her because it will definitely be a huge train wreck at some point. Count yourself lucky to get out without major damage.

[goldylamont]

Hey frustrated

I think she talked to your dad and asked him to talk to you. It's very common for these people to get through your family and friends to recycle you back. The same with the letter, either one of your freinds or her freinds!

If she's a high functioning one like my husband who's a psychiatrist himself, they are excellent at making you questioning your own sanity most of the time and they are more risk to our MENTAL health.

WHOA!   This could be true. I went back and read your original post about the letter and the fact that it seems to insinuate that you want to be with other women is very suspect. Have you expressed wanting to be with other women to your friends? Or more likely is this something behind closed doors (infidelity) that your ex accuses you of?

Arrgh. Sometimes it's impossible to really know the truth behind things when you are dealing with an adult that has spent a lifetime practicing deception on some level. But one thing I would say to myself if I couldn't figure out if she did or didn't do something was to tell myself, regardless of if she was behind it or not--first I shouldn't even need to be suspicious of her if she was trustworthy. And second if she was reasonable then I should be able to bring up the issue and talk it out. Without these two options (on the eggshells we walk) all we can do is guess--but if we have to guess it's indicative of some funny stuff about this person in general.

I'm kind of brainstorming here but the thought came to mind.

[Blondy90]

Hi Frustrated,

I can understand where you're coming from. When I broke up with my ex (non BPD) my step dad remained good friends with him and it destroyed me as he'd cheated and really messed me up.

Just some general advice, as hard as it is just let it all go. You know in your own mind how difficult it was to be with her and you broke up for a good reason. Don't let people tell you it was your fault and keep telling yourself that you did it for the best because you did.

In terms of the façade you talk about, that is incredibly common with BPD. I know with my dBPD sister, we were so embarrassed and hurt by her behaviour that we never told anyone just how bad things had got. We coped with her behaviour on our own and protected her as we didn't want people to attach stigma to her or shun her from friendship groups. We normalised her behaviour to protect our own mental health and I think on some level we blamed ourselves for her behaviour so wanted to make amends and try and make her better. Look, because of this people are never ever going to understand what you went through. Even telling people just doesn't do the mental and physical abuse justice but until they see it themselves they won't really get it. YOU know what she did to you and why you ended it.

I'm sure your family and friends just want what's best for you because they care but in this case only you know what is best and I think you've made a positive decision. Be strong and don't let people get to you. Best wishes!

[frustrated b/f]

Thank you all for the supportive replies.

I had a lot on my mind yesterday and couldn't allocate much thought to it. However, after putting some serious thought into it, I feel the letter is highly suspicious. I haven't carried on any relationships since her and my close friends know that. Either it was her, or if it was a friend, he has been talking to her.

The letter began with, "I've been wanting to have a man to man talk with you," which is highly suspicious given the anonymous nature of the letter. The letter also stated, "that if I had a choice, this person knows I will always make the wrong decision" It absolutely infuriated me, because clearly this person knows nothing about me!

I've been debating on whether to confront my friends and just ask if they wrote it (there's only two or three it could possibly be). Someone mentioned earlier, that attempts like these will have me questioning my sanity and decision to leave, and it sure has. However, I know the r/s was fatally flawed which is why I'm in the position I'm in now!

[goldylamont]

i would ask your friends. anonymous letters like that is the coward's route -- but tread lightly. show them the letter even but try to not be emotional about it when doing so. know that whoever wrote the letter has been gaslit and turned. likely they are being seduced and obviously they are being controlled by her. so sorry you have to deal with this.

so the following i want to say may be far fetched, but something to think about: if it is one of your male friends who wrote this letter, on her behalf, it may be next to impossible to get this person to see the light if he is being seduced by her. and by seduction it doesn't have to be overtly sexual, but all i know is if i had a guy friend, and his gf tried to get me to write one of these letters, i'd say ok to her, but then i'd go directly to him and talk to him. that whole "man on man" sounds like a load of bs--why then write the letter anonymously? that's cowardly not mano y mano.

other possibility is that it's someone else that you barely know at all. in either case though, whoever did it is weak sauce, easily controlled. i hope it's not one of your friends... .if so this would be the one to be cautious before trying to get them to see the light. they've already admitted they trust her more than you.

again, my sympathies that you even have to deal with this. hang in there and things will come to light i'm sure.