rehashing

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Today I was thinking about all the strange part of my ex relationship. On thing that he always liked to do was talk and actualize, rehash everything. He would  love to have me stuck in the car and talk and talk at me about the day. He would call it processing. Anything we did or went had to be processed ugg he would talk at me for a hour trip home, I may say 2or 3 words. After work he would call and «process» his day, I could leave the phone on the counter and walk away he wouldn't even know I wasn't listening. I think it like they are so self important he wouldn't even care what I thought. If I did have a oppion that's when the fights would start. I was to agree at all times. Have anyone else had a NO ex that talked too much?

[nevertheless]

Today I was thinking about all the strange part of my ex relationship. On thing that he always liked to do was talk and actualize, rehash everything. He would  love to have me stuck in the car and talk and talk at me about the day. He would call it processing. Anything we did or went had to be processed ugg he would talk at me for a hour trip home, I may say 2or 3 words. After work he would call and «process» his day, I could leave the phone on the counter and walk away he wouldn't even know I wasn't listening. I think it like they are so self important he wouldn't even care what I thought. If I did have a oppion that's when the fights would start. I was to agree at all times. Have anyone else had a NO ex that talked too much?

[PrettyPlease]

I could leave the phone on the counter and walk away he wouldn't even know I wasn't listening... .[snip] I was to agree at all times. Have anyone else had a NO ex that talked too much?

Hi nevertheless,

Yes, of four uBPDs I've been involved with in my life (2 SOs, 1 sister, 1 friend), three of them had/have the ability to enter into monologues in which, as you said,

  a) I must agree with them

  b) It doesn''t really matter if I'm listening -- they don't seem to notice that it's a conversation. (They seem incapable of having a real dialog).

The one who was different, a SO, also required agreement, but she was better at 'back and forth' dialog; no monologues. But, now that I make the comparison, it wasn't better for me that way -- at least with the other three I could be alone with my own thoughts most of the time.     --whereas the one that could do dialog was always in there picking at me, digging for me to agree that she was right.

So, overall, I'd be inclined to say that what you're experiencing is common. But it's not really the core of the problem (since some BPDs don't do it); the core is that their fear of abandonment is so deep, and fear of being rejected (if they're wrong, or even not perfect in somebody's eyes), that they develop special strategies to get validated. Talking and assuming that you agree with them (since you don't say anything) seems to work for some; needing to hear validation continually works for others.

But in either case IMO it's unlikely that a non is going to be able to tolerate what the pwBPD is doing for long, unless the pwBPD has accepted that they have a problem and are working on it. Otherwise... .well, I guess that's why we're on the detaching board.  

PP

[PrettyPlease]

Have anyone else had a NO ex that talked too much?

What does the 'NO' represent? I didn't find this in the abbreviations list.

PP

[fromheeltoheal]

My borderline was also very narcissistic, so there was the borderline avoid abandonment by controlling thing, and she was also the most amazing woman in the universe, just ask her. So our conversations were mostly all about her, which was OK for a while because she was pretty vivacious, and I'd just wait for a gap, she had to breathe sometime, to throw in a comment meant to shock, to try and break her out of her self-focus. Didn't work, but it really became a game, after it became clear she was all talk and no listen.  I mistook it for attention, and she did alleviate my loneliness for a while, but ultimately she just wanted someone to talk at and who wouldn't leave; nothing for me there.

[MrFox]

My borderline was also very narcissistic, so there was the borderline avoid abandonment by controlling thing, and she was also the most amazing woman in the universe, just ask her. So our conversations were mostly all about her, which was OK for a while because she was pretty vivacious, and I'd just wait for a gap, she had to breathe sometime, to throw in a comment meant to shock, to try and break her out of her self-focus. Didn't work, but it really became a game, after it became clear she was all talk and no listen.  I mistook it for attention, and she did alleviate my loneliness for a while, but ultimately she just wanted someone to talk at and who wouldn't leave; nothing for me there.

I can relate to that.  She is a photographer but she made it out like she was some magical therapist that provided life altering experiences for her clients.  I constantly had to look at her work and praise her, read the crap she wrote (which was all about her either being some kind of a victim or being a self-empowered woman who had the world by the balls, sometimes in the same piece) and praise it.  I basically learned when and were to nod or smile or say "I'm proud of you" because my actual opinion didn't matter  The things I did in life that I was proud of where awesome when she was hooking me in, after that they were "nice" or just not talked about.

I too think she just wanted someone to talk at, not to.