I just need to vent here.
He has no respect for me. He has treated me with astonishing brutality. He abandoned me pregnant because he thought I might be 'lying' or 'planning to manipulate him'. (In fact it was because he was living with another woman, and too ashamed and scared to contact me). He takes no responsibility for any of it. He has called me a psycho, a bhit, a 'capitalist' , a whore, a liar, a fake, and all the rest. He continued with this even after I found out that he had begun cheating on me with someone 'who wasn't his girlfriend' 2 weeks after the best holiday we ever had (paid for by me )
He has been in every way an utter utter ass. And he still believes that I am 'at least partly responsible' for what he did (and this is in yet another idealisation cycle when he is trying to win me back )
So why do I still miss him and want him. Why do I long for him sexually. Why is it threatening the chances of my new relationship or any others that may come.
Sometimes I wonder if he will ever leave the mind and heart he has ripped to pieces.
Because he filled a need in you, a need you didn't even realize you had.
In the beginning, he made you feel safe, and oh so loved. What you didn't know, is that this is how he pulls all of his victims in. He's good at it, practice has made perfect. You trusted him completely.
And when he started to show you who he truly was, you denied it to yourself. You were shocked and couldn't believe this was the same person you fell in love with. You denied, tried to fix, blamed stress... whatever it took.
And then you hit on the realization, you don't know who he is.
And either you or he left, because it was all too painful to bear. And you knew, deep down, that there was something very, very wrong with him.
He blames you. He always will.
You can't forget him because on some level you believe the things he has said about you. I know I did. And I was called the same names that you were. But honestly, you are not those things.
It's time to break free. You can do this, you've just forgotten what it feel like to be in charge of your own destiny. It is still there waiting for you to grab it again.
L