High-Risk Pregnancy with BPDMom. Tips?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone,

The holidays are of course upon us, and all of the lovely BPD behaviours my waif/queen mother has are coming out.  More importantly, I am currently 6 months pregnant with my first baby.  We have found out over the past couple of weeks that baby has some serious health concerns which could involve heart issues and/or possible surgeries in the future.  It looks as though baby will make it though (thank goodness- silver linings).

BPDMom is currently in our lives and has been for about 3 years now.  I have been maintaining boundaries so the relationship has been pretty good.  At this point though, I'm very emotionally fragile, and I'm struggling to just get through the day without crying or snapping at everyone around me.  I'm not feeling confident at all about setting new boundaries surrounding my child and pregnancy.  I'm scared I won't be good enough at it/clear enough, and she will start taking over.  Some of her behaviours since I became pregnant have been concerning.  For example, she told me she had a dream in which SHE was pregnant with my baby and gave birth to it. 

Now that baby will certainly have health concerns, I'm even more hesitant to even think about letting BPDMom have unsupervised contact at all.  I think she can feel it, because she has already cornered me on one of the few times I have seen her without my husband and asked (in tears) "Will I get to spend alone time with baby?"  I went into self-preservation mode and just flat-out lied.  My response was something like, "Yes, because I know you will continue to respect my boundaries."  The real answer is: "Probably not, because I don't trust you and you were abusive to me as a child.  Plus, I don't want you filling my daughter's head with your lies and manipulations."

Has anyone got any good tips or things to avoid while pregnant, and/or with a baby? 

The steps we have taken so far include:

- Getting a Doula.  She will not be in the delivery room, and may not be invited to come in right after birth, we'll see how I feel.

- Talking her out of buying a car seat by being straightforward, "We aren't going to be comfortable with you driving her," (She drives like a complete maniac)

- Not answering calls other than about once a week since we told her about the diagnosis for baby.  She is calling and texting every day, trying to stay in contact. 

- Not seeing her without an ally around (usually my husband)

[CinnamonRadio]

Hi everyone,

The holidays are of course upon us, and all of the lovely BPD behaviours my waif/queen mother has are coming out.  More importantly, I am currently 6 months pregnant with my first baby.  We have found out over the past couple of weeks that baby has some serious health concerns which could involve heart issues and/or possible surgeries in the future.  It looks as though baby will make it though (thank goodness- silver linings).

BPDMom is currently in our lives and has been for about 3 years now.  I have been maintaining boundaries so the relationship has been pretty good.  At this point though, I'm very emotionally fragile, and I'm struggling to just get through the day without crying or snapping at everyone around me.  I'm not feeling confident at all about setting new boundaries surrounding my child and pregnancy.  I'm scared I won't be good enough at it/clear enough, and she will start taking over.  Some of her behaviours since I became pregnant have been concerning.  For example, she told me she had a dream in which SHE was pregnant with my baby and gave birth to it. 

Now that baby will certainly have health concerns, I'm even more hesitant to even think about letting BPDMom have unsupervised contact at all.  I think she can feel it, because she has already cornered me on one of the few times I have seen her without my husband and asked (in tears) "Will I get to spend alone time with baby?"  I went into self-preservation mode and just flat-out lied.  My response was something like, "Yes, because I know you will continue to respect my boundaries."  The real answer is: "Probably not, because I don't trust you and you were abusive to me as a child.  Plus, I don't want you filling my daughter's head with your lies and manipulations."

Has anyone got any good tips or things to avoid while pregnant, and/or with a baby? 

The steps we have taken so far include:

- Getting a Doula.  She will not be in the delivery room, and may not be invited to come in right after birth, we'll see how I feel.

- Talking her out of buying a car seat by being straightforward, "We aren't going to be comfortable with you driving her," (She drives like a complete maniac)

- Not answering calls other than about once a week since we told her about the diagnosis for baby.  She is calling and texting every day, trying to stay in contact. 

- Not seeing her without an ally around (usually my husband)

[Sitara]

I'm so sorry to hear you're having a difficult pregnancy.  I can sympathize as my first pregnancy had complications - fortunately things were minor and he turned out healthy.  High risk pregnancies are so stressful just on their own.  You sound like you already know how you want to deal with your mom situation already.

- Getting a Doula.  She will not be in the delivery room, and may not be invited to come in right after birth, we'll see how I feel.

I wish I had the strength to put my food down with my first pregnancy!  With our second child, we actually did this with my MIL (my husband has a very strained relationship with her - not BPD but she's got some sort of issue) - she didn't get a phone call until we were leaving the hospital.  Best decision we ever made.  The first time around she was such a pain (she didn't leave our room ALL day).  It was so nice to be able to relax, heal, and just spend time with our new baby.  And a doula is great - you can discuss what you want with them so that in the heat of the moment, they'll take care of things you decided you wanted.

I'm even more hesitant to even think about letting BPDMom have unsupervised contact at all.

This statement implies that you were already uncomfortable with her spending time alone with baby.  That's completely understandable with her saying things like

"Will I get to spend alone time with baby?"

How soon is she asking to have baby alone?  Right away or is she talking about when baby is older, like 6 months or a year?  Trust your gut.  If you don't think it's a good idea to leave your child alone with her, then it's probably not. 

- Not answering calls other than about once a week since we told her about the diagnosis for baby.  She is calling and texting every day, trying to stay in contact.

Is just her messaging you a stressor? Could you ask her to message your husband instead or just tell her you are very stressed out right now and you will call her with an update once a week, so please don't message me every day?

- Not seeing her without an ally around (usually my husband)

Seems like a good idea.  If you're under too much stress, it's okay to spend less time with her too. 

Has anyone got any good tips or things to avoid while pregnant, and/or with a baby?

You seem like you already have a good idea of your personal triggers and how you are going to deal with them.  It's definitely harder to deal with a BPD mom when you're already under so much other stress.  Just make sure you take care of yourself and your little baby.  You'll figure out what's best for both of you.

Best wishes - and I hope things turn out to be not so serious.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi CinnamonRadio,

Sitara gave you some great tips. Being pregnant is stressful in itself, and when you add the high risk factor and a BPD mom, I can see why you're concerned.

What are you most concerned about, the birth or after you get home? While you're in the hospital, you can enlist the staff to help you stay comfortable. I was in labor for 36 hours, and as you can imagine, during some of that time, I didn't want my parents in the delivery room. My very sage OB, seeing that having my parents stressed me out, asked them to leave. You could always give the L&:) staff the request that you not have any surprise visitors.

I agree with Sitara that you're very aware of your triggers, which is great. You're also taking care of yourself by setting limits. In what ways could you include your mother without compromising your needs?

I wish you all the best in your pregnancy! 

[CinnamonRadio]

Sitara,

Thanks for your validating words!  One thing that you really helped me to clarify with myself is that I obviously am uncomfortable with BPDMom having unsupervised contact, so I agree, I should trust my gut.

At this point, in terms of contact, I think she wants as much as possible.  I'm not sure if she's seeing this as a "do-over" opportunity, or as a way of creating a fresh new identity as a "good grandma".  She has crossed a half-dozen boundaries already just in the pregnancy, so I am anticipating that it will continue.  The messaging AND the calling are stressors. 

We just found out yesterday that baby will survive (  ) and are elated.  When I phoned BPDmom, her first reaction was relief.  Second reaction was "Why did you tell me two weeks ago that I shouldn't buy a carseat for my car?  Don't you trust me?  Do you think I'm a bad driver?"  She is just overwhelming me with her emotional needs right now.  I think  you're right, I just need time away from her period.

GeekyGirl,

I'm concerned with pretty much everything at this point :/  That being said, I like your idea of enlisting the help of staff to keep her out.  I feel like including her at all is pretty generous considering how lovely a childhood she bestowed on me, so at this point I'm going into self-preservation mode.  Thank you for the thoughtful comments!

[Suzn]

Congratulations on your upcoming new addition!

Second reaction was "Why did you tell me two weeks ago that I shouldn't buy a carseat for my car?  Don't you trust me?  Do you think I'm a bad driver?" 

All new mothers are nervous, so I've heard.    You can lean on this truth. Remind yourself "I'm a new mother and this child probably won't be out my sight much" and it's OK to feel this way. 

She is just overwhelming me with her emotional needs right now.  I think  you're right, I just need time away from her period.

Your emotional needs come first. Mom is responsible for her's. It's super hard when the tears are falling since she was afraid she wouldn't get time with the baby, good job standing your ground on your boundaries. Sounds like you were uncomfortable but you still sailed through. Becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable is a good goal.

[GeekyGirl]

So glad to hear that the baby will survive, CinnamonRadio. That's wonderful news. 

Suzn is right--it's completely normal to be nervous. She's also right in that your emotional needs are the most important thing right now. Being the mother of a young child, I can tell you that once the baby is born, you'll likely go through a wide range of emotions, and it's good that you're already thinking about setting limits with your mother now.

When she calls or texts, how can you you give yourself permission to end the call or not text back immediately? How would you enforce that limit with her?

[nomom4me]

Congrats on the pregnancy!  I am a new mom and had a high risk pregnancy, I know how distressing it can be... .I'm happy to report that both me and the baby are healthy at almost 1 month.

In my case the pregnancy was flagged as high-risk from the start, I was encouraged to wait till 20 weeks to announce, I put off announcing to my mom and kept waiting for the right time until I was weeks from birth and still fretting, my therapist encouraged me to just wait to announce till after birth.  No regrets there, I do not see my family often so they were surprised, Nmom was initially pissed that she was "left out" but is mellowing out, we actually had our first decent conversation in years while my Doula was here last week.

Have you talked to your doula about your mom?  Mine has been really supportive, family wrangling is a huge part of what they do.  I had a ton of good feedback from her and hospital staff on having a closed birth, we had one friend, our Doula and that was it - for part of the birth they had no one but my partner in the room too, you know what?  You won't care, birth is pretty consuming.

My baby is fine, she was 41 weeks at birth and plenty heavy, she is gaining weight and hitting all her milestones but I am still putting family off and claiming it's at the Dr's advice.  During the pregnancy announcing to my family was my biggest concern but somewhere in the birth process I snapped out of the FOG and into what my doula calls "warrior mom" mode.  I do have hormonal moments of wishing my mom had been more protective of me but my baby is my main concern, and she keeps me in the moment, all babies can do is be in the moment.  You will legitimately be too busy for your mom with a newborn, I have a no email/text rule with my mom and she is finally respecting it - I don't have a free hand, I can't type and breastfeed (but I am actually pumping hands free as I type this).  My mom sent me over 100 emails AFTER I made it clear that I want no text contact with her (the essay portion of my relationship with her is over) it FINALLY seems like she has processed that number, she flat out didn't believe that she sent that many emails but she actually seems to get it now. My advice would be to ignore texts, maybe let your husband read them and delete - but do keep a record if your mom has a history of escalating behavior.  If she gets really bad maybe look into text blocking apps or send to voicemail features on your phone, you could also add a line to your phone plan.

I don't get to the forums as much as I did pre-baby, but I will try to follow up on this thread.  There are lots of BPD grandparent threads here, just search "grandparent".  Feel free to contact me via private messages.  Congrats again and good luck!

[Sitara]

So glad that you had good news!  I wish you well with the rest of your pregnancy and good luck with your mom.

[Clearmind]

CR, congratulations! I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant and could not even imagine the stresses you are having on top of your pregnancy.

I see there being two things at play here: You're obligation/guilt to involve Mum and Her lack of boundaries.

Each need to be separated in order to clear your thoughts and concentrate on what really matters here: you and the baby.

How we respond to our BPD parents sets up patterns of relating and those patterns are very hard to break. Think of this as a practice ground for when you do have your baby - persistence, consistency and being firm with your boundaries. Processing the obligation/guilt needs to be dealt with separately.

We feel obligation/guilt because we are reliving our childhood conditioning in adulthood. As kids we were told what to do and we had to comply otherwise we were abused and abandoned. We cannot be abandoned as adults and we can protect ourselves. Trust that you can look after you and your family.

If Mum phones and begins to chastise you - get off the phone. If she phones a lot let them go through to voice mail.

Listen to your body and get rest - if I feel myself getting stressed I sit quietly and stroke my belly! Its good for you and its good for baby. Also try pregnancy yoga and meditation.

All the best.

[foodie]

I first came to this forum because I was pregnant with a girl for the first time and and very (extra) traumatized by the fact that I was having a daughter.  It brought up soo many new memories and recollections of my childhood with my mother.  I don't have to tell you how devastating it is to bring our own children into the world and then remember how our mothers treated us.  It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. 

Unfortunately, (and obviously) my mother has not stopped her drama or me me me behavior since I had my daughter a few months ago (or my son a few years ago).  She actually picked a fight with me on my birthday just a few days before I gave birth.  She stops at nothing.  Her latest is that she has volunteered to drive a few hours each week to babysit my kids when I go back to work.  She NEVER gets the hint that I want her out of my life, or at the very least, at arm's length.  Well, she'll back off for awhile, but then comes raging back, saying that she hopes I'll let her in my children's lives.  It is VERY distressing to me that she does not function normally and keeps inserting herself into my life when I have very bluntly told her I want limited communication.  Unfortunately my dad is her enabler and tells her that she is a good mom and trying her best. 

Anyway - I hear you.  I am incredibly angry and horrible when she's around, and I do not want my kids to see that.  I avoid her as much as I possibly can, and completely do not tell her anything personal about my life.  She acts like a victim and I am being so hurtful to her (and emails me to bring up multiple examples of what an amazing mother she was - "I protected you from bullies!"  "I drove you to soccer practice an hour away!"  "I have only ever loved you, I am so confused by your rejection of me!".  she doesn't understand that driving me to soccer practice and making me dinner every night does not excuse the rabid and very terrifying unstable emotional childhood I had. 

I am so sorry, best of luck to you in the remainder of your pregnancy!  I find that just having my mom around is a blatant trigger.  I hope you can find the peace to set boundaries as I have!  (not that that always works!)

[tryinghard2012]

Please don't put you and your baby at risk. She causes stress and of it gets bad enough you can lose the pregnancy. This happened to me and I will never forgive myself for not erecting stronger boundaries and after temper tantrums not cutting off ties until baby was here safe and sound. I can never get that pregnancy back but you can keep yours safe from emotional stress and the physical consequences.  Hugs.

[mysoulishome]

Oh my goodness, Cinnamon.

There is nothing more important right now, nothing, than assuring complete emotional and physical safety for you and your child, and your family unit with your husband. Especially when you are fragile and vulnerable. I am a 34 year old man, strong and capable, and I never want to be alone with my mother. I am actually afraid of her both emotionally and physically. I say this because I don't want you to assume I'm being sexist or anything because you are female and pregnant.

I highly recommend recruiting allies, especially your spouse. You do not want to allow her to bully you into letting her cross YOUR boundaries. I know that is easy when you are alone, tired, emotional, etc. What I would do is sit down with your husband and let him know your ground rules. Always make sure there is someone around who knows them and will help them enforce them for you. Let them be "the bad guy." Rules such as:

1. Don't leave me alone with her under and circumstances. Not in hospital room, at home, etc.

2. She is not to be alone with the baby

3. She is not to drive the baby

Etc. Whatever you want.

If hubby/friend/aunt/whoever is at hospital, let them know. Enforce my boundaries NO MATTER WHAT. If they have to call security, or be a jerk, take the blame.

Assuming this is what you want, discuss worst case scenario. You are worth it. She may get to the point where she tries to bully or guilt you into anything. She may pull out all of the stops.

OR the gravity of the situation may somehow turn her into a reasonable human being.

Just my advice. If I were you, or especially if I was in your husband's shoes... .this is what I would recommend.