Why are they so attractive?

[charred]

We want intimacy... that close connection that reflects the epitome of what we value, reflected back to us from another. That is what we want... but we are horny by nature and settle for sex as a substitute. Problem is we think or accept sex=love... and it doesn't.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Right?  It should be more validating for one's self if someone is willing to have an intelligent conversation.  My ex wants to be friends with me.  She just doesn't want to be my wife and lover anymore.  Yet, for some reason I would feel more validated if she still wanted to sleep with me.  Why do we put so much stock into the sex act?  :)oes our culture nurture us to equate our self worth with our sexual attraction?   Other women want me sexually,  but I still desire my ex. Sigh... .

Fiddlestix

Oh Fiddlestix! (Sorry had to say that   ) I totally get the validation part sexually as far as with someone you were already in a relationship with (especially married to) , who you loved and who did that to you . I absolutely feel that myself. Especially since he cheated on me and dumped me for someone else. I guess I just meant with strangers. To me yea it's probably somewhat of ego boost when someone wants to sleep with me because maybe they find me attractive. But I guess I know that isn't always the only reason. I agree I find it more validating when someone finds me interesting or sees something in me as a person.

[fromheeltoheal]

We want intimacy... that close connection that reflects the epitome of what we value, reflected back to us from another. That is what we want... but we are horny by nature and settle for sex as a substitute. Problem is we think or accept sex=love... and it doesn't.

I agree, sex does not equal love, but sex can communicate and strengthen love.  I was trying to make love with my ex, use physical intimacy as a way to build emotional intimacy.  :)idn't work, especially since she was just fcking to escape her pain for a minute.  :)ifferent, incompatible goals, didn't work for either of us in the long run, but hey, bodily fluids were exchanged, sheets were soiled, musta been bliss.

[sadinnc98]

We want intimacy... that close connection that reflects the epitome of what we value, reflected back to us from another. That is what we want... but we are horny by nature and settle for sex as a substitute. Problem is we think or accept sex=love... and it doesn't.

I agree, sex does not equal love, but sex can communicate and strengthen love.  I was trying to make love with my ex, use physical intimacy as a way to build emotional intimacy.  :)idn't work, especially since she was just fcking to escape her pain for a minute.  :)ifferent, incompatible goals, didn't work for either of us in the long run, but hey, bodily fluids were exchanged, sheets were soiled, musta been bliss.

^^^ I can totally relate to this! Although oddly, as of late, we aren't even having sex much at all (I am guessing I know why... . although he is a lot older, has hormone issues, etc... . ) where as we used to have a great sex life. I always thought it would help build emotional intimacy too... he told me once that bc we have sex, its the only way he knows I love him (very odd!)

[charred]

We want intimacy... that close connection that reflects the epitome of what we value, reflected back to us from another. That is what we want... but we are horny by nature and settle for sex as a substitute. Problem is we think or accept sex=love... and it doesn't.

I agree, sex does not equal love, but sex can communicate and strengthen love.  I was trying to make love with my ex, use physical intimacy as a way to build emotional intimacy.  :)idn't work, especially since she was just fcking to escape her pain for a minute.  :)ifferent, incompatible goals, didn't work for either of us in the long run, but hey, bodily fluids were exchanged, sheets were soiled, musta been bliss.

The perspectives are different for sure. Always thought of sex in a good r/s as a physical expression of the feelings we have for each other... like a celebration of our r/s. That seemed different from a libido driven hookup... which was more like a fun way to work out. I don't think pwBPD see it same as us most the time. It seemed like my pwBPD... viewed it as something she would do to get what she wanted, so long as the deal wasn't sealed yet. Like a con man that gives you a small amount of cash... so long as you are playing in to what they want... as you will be getting the bad end of any deal. Didn't express that very well... but it is what it seemed like... and it used to put me off.

[fromheeltoheal]

The perspectives are different for sure. Always thought of sex in a good r/s as a physical expression of the feelings we have for each other... like a celebration of our r/s. That seemed different from a libido driven hookup... which was more like a fun way to work out. I don't think pwBPD see it same as us most the time. It seemed like my pwBPD... viewed it as something she would do to get what she wanted, so long as the deal wasn't sealed yet. Like a con man that gives you a small amount of cash... so long as you are playing in to what they want... as you will be getting the bad end of any deal. Didn't express that very well... but it is what it seemed like... and it used to put me off.

Mine used to say "I can get anything I want with a blow job."  Yeah, maybe dumbass, but you will get nothing you need.

[charred]

That is a far more concise way of stating it I think.

[Kallor74]

Perfidy...

Water does seek its own level... though you may not know it.

I never saw the connection between my pwBPD and my own mother... thought they were as different as could be... mom is quiet, bit passive-aggressive, hard working cowgirl type ... has accomplished a lot, can weld, raises stallions... and is in her 70s... My pwBPD... was pretty much a Jodi Arias clone... bit weird... bit phony, was hot sexy seductive type... tended to have strong emotions... like volume knob on 10 ... when happy, bounced around, when mad... was scary as hell.

So... recently read up on waif BPD types... and exact description of my mom... key difference between my pwBPD and mom... acting out vs acting in.

Do I like hot gals... absolutely... didn't marry till late 30's... had a lot of fun... but only one gal tore me up... my pwBPD. I dated other gals with sparks... the more sparks... the crazier the gal... one I dated (she was engaged to other guy)... sprayed lighter fluid on the guy after they married while he slept and lit bed on fire... he got out and was okay... divorced her... but there were sparks.

The strong interest/sparks thing is where the water is meeting its own level. If you were pulled in to a r/s with a pwBPD... and really got burned... you have some issues of your own to deal with... the attraction to your own level of emotional problems thing is real accurate/pervasive.

Takes a lot of accepting reality to admit the attraction to ms. crazypants is due to deep down similarity to your mom... its a mood killer to think it... and so is accepting that your pwBPD is emotionally a 3-4 yr old... . real easy to grab on to anything to keep from accepting that. Evading those facts... helped me to stay in hell about 2 yrs longer than I would have if I had not been desperately trying to prove she was my dreamgirl and we were going to live happily ever... . except she wasn't and we didn't.

I just wish my pwBPD had been right about me being an uncaring jerk... so i could have went from hot disordered girl to hot disordered girl... . but it doesn't work that way. What does happen is you ignore   and get burned.

Charred... . who are you? Your insights and opinions really shake me up. The mother thing is really disturbing and rings true.  But them being only at the emtional level of a 3 year old? That's insane.

[charred]

Hmm... so 3 yrs old seems low for maturity... .

[charred]

Perfidy...

Water does seek its own level... though you may not know it.

I never saw the connection between my pwBPD and my own mother... thought they were as different as could be... mom is quiet, bit passive-aggressive, hard working cowgirl type ... has accomplished a lot, can weld, raises stallions... and is in her 70s... My pwBPD... was pretty much a Jodi Arias clone... bit weird... bit phony, was hot sexy seductive type... tended to have strong emotions... like volume knob on 10 ... when happy, bounced around, when mad... was scary as hell.

So... recently read up on waif BPD types... and exact description of my mom... key difference between my pwBPD and mom... acting out vs acting in.

Do I like hot gals... absolutely... didn't marry till late 30's... had a lot of fun... but only one gal tore me up... my pwBPD. I dated other gals with sparks... the more sparks... the crazier the gal... one I dated (she was engaged to other guy)... sprayed lighter fluid on the guy after they married while he slept and lit bed on fire... he got out and was okay... divorced her... but there were sparks.

The strong interest/sparks thing is where the water is meeting its own level. If you were pulled in to a r/s with a pwBPD... and really got burned... you have some issues of your own to deal with... the attraction to your own level of emotional problems thing is real accurate/pervasive.

Takes a lot of accepting reality to admit the attraction to ms. crazypants is due to deep down similarity to your mom... its a mood killer to think it... and so is accepting that your pwBPD is emotionally a 3-4 yr old... . real easy to grab on to anything to keep from accepting that. Evading those facts... helped me to stay in hell about 2 yrs longer than I would have if I had not been desperately trying to prove she was my dreamgirl and we were going to live happily ever... . except she wasn't and we didn't.

I just wish my pwBPD had been right about me being an uncaring jerk... so i could have went from hot disordered girl to hot disordered girl... . but it doesn't work that way. What does happen is you ignore   and get burned.

Charred... . who are you? Your insights and opinions really shake me up. The mother thing is really disturbing and rings true.  But them being only at the emtional level of a 3 year old? That's insane.

Okay... some would say 7-8 years old (so they are without empathy). however I had a 3 yr old and ... when she was happy she bounced around smiling (like my pwBPD) and when she was very mad at her pre-school teacher... she tried to stab her in the back with a pencil.

So... since at all times after that... my daughter as she was 4 and up... acted more mature than my pwBPD... I concluded that my pwBPD was stuck at the emotional maturity level of a 3 yr old. She sees something she wants... no rational reason is going to sway her... period. Somehow she managed to graduate college and grad school... . and teaches kids now (my pwBPD)... but she is still flailing around in life trying to stab everyone in the back with a sharp object.

Okay... some would say 7-8 years old (so they are without empathy). however I had a 3 yr old and ... when she was happy she bounced around smiling (like my pwBPD) and when she was very mad at her pre-school teacher... she tried to stab her in the back with a pencil.

So... since at all times after that... my daughter as she was 4 and up... acted more mature than my pwBPD, no longer sticking people with pencils... using her words to express herself, saying "I am sorry" and "thank you".

I concluded that my pwBPD was stuck at the emotional maturity level of a 3 yr old. She sees something she wants... no rational reason is going to sway her... period. Somehow she managed to graduate college and grad school... . and teaches kids now (my pwBPD)... but she is still flailing around in

[Kallor74]

My exBPDgf told me her mother died at 2 and she had an emotionally negectful father growing up.  Was she arrested at 2 years old?

[Turkish]

Hmm... so 3 yrs old seems low for maturity... .

mine does the splitting rather easily.  I'm taking about both my three year old and my x.  my x  can process it later at some intellectual level,  but my 3  years old's tantrums seem to be over mute quickly.  thinking back of all of the ways in which my x told me to handle her ( in this I  did fail),  it was indeed like a little girl. I  grew to resent it more and more.  she felt it,  because it's like death to a BPD,  just as it would severely affect a little kid.  so she left for a  new  attachment,  all that easy.

[charred]

I wish my exBPDgf had been emotionally stuck at about 27 yrs old... about at a good point of settling down... but seems like she is at 3... maybe 4 yrs level tops.

[love4meNOTu]

hmmm... .

Initially I did not find my xhwBPD the hottest guy around. He dressed horribly and does not have the nicest looking teeth. They are kinda small and yellowish.

But, he was so "into" me... the way he looked at me it was like I hung the moon.

That's what hooked me.

Boy I will never fall for that again. Today anyway.

LOL

L

[fromheeltoheal]

My exBPDgf told me her mother died at 2 and she had an emotionally negectful father growing up.  Was she arrested at 2 years old?

Clinically it's said a borderline stops maturing when the trauma that created the disorder happened, and I've learned sometimes it isn't one event but conditions of the environment over time, different for everyone.  My ex seemed to be emotionally arrested somewhere in her mid-teens.  Tidbit: she considered her 16 year old daughter her 'best friend', and when her daughter turned 17 and became sexually active with her boyfriend, she began to intimidate my ex, because she had passed her emotionally.  And her 27 year old daughter?  Forget it, she ruled my ex's world when they were together.  And there's me trying to have an adult relationship with that, silly me.  In my defense she did parrot 'adult' pretty well to begin with, but under stress the real her showed up, as it does with us all.

Given that Kallor, how old would you say your ex was emotionally?

[Kallor74]

My exBPDgf told me her mother died at 2 and she had an emotionally negectful father growing up.  Was she arrested at 2 years old?

Clinically it's said a borderline stops maturing when the trauma that created the disorder happened, and I've learned sometimes it isn't one event but conditions of the environment over time, different for everyone.  My ex seemed to be emotionally arrested somewhere in her mid-teens.  Tidbit: she considered her 16 year old daughter her 'best friend', and when her daughter turned 17 and became sexually active with her boyfriend, she began to intimidate my ex, because she had passed her emotionally.  And her 27 year old daughter?  Forget it, she ruled my ex's world when they were together.  And there's me trying to have an adult relationship with that, silly me.  In my defense she did parrot 'adult' pretty well to begin with, but under stress the real her showed up, as it does with us all.

Given that Kallor, how old would you say your ex was emotionally?

Well she was very immature and could not handle complex emotions at all. She either hated or loved any and everything. Nothing in between. Very contradictory on morals and values. She also asked me to not be a doormat and to be stern with her.  Flew into tantrums when upset and yelled and stomped around like a little girl.

She did tell me of a traumatic sexual event at 12. I think she never made it past that emotionally.

[fromheeltoheal]

Well she was very immature and could not handle complex emotions at all. She either hated or loved any and everything. Nothing in between. Very contradictory on morals and values. She also asked me to not be a doormat and to be stern with her.  Flew into tantrums when upset and yelled and stomped around like a little girl.

She did tell me of a traumatic sexual event at 12. I think she never made it past that emotionally.

There you go then, that realization can help a lot as you process what went on.