Moving back home as an adult

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I have recently had to move in with my BPD mother as an adult woman (40's). I don't know how to do this... do I live by her rules? she is an angry, bitter, single woman who resents having to work, and is constantly angry at me. If she has to go to bed, she gets mad if I stay up. If she has to get up early, she gets mad if I sleep in. etc etc. I just left an 11 year relationship and am trying to get my own life and career started after investing all my time in him. I need a break! I need some peace! I do not have a bank acct, nor a car of my own, but i do have a promising PT job and the opportunity to be involved in some local theater. Her moods about everything I do affect me so much... then I feel like I'm too sensitive, then I feel like I need to 'hide my light under a bushel' then I feel selfish and childish, then I just feel crazy. sigh. I feel like I can't begin to live my life here, but I can not afford to go anywhere else. I feel like a hostage.

Any advice? :'(

[frenchie]

I have recently had to move in with my BPD mother as an adult woman (40's). I don't know how to do this... do I live by her rules? she is an angry, bitter, single woman who resents having to work, and is constantly angry at me. If she has to go to bed, she gets mad if I stay up. If she has to get up early, she gets mad if I sleep in. etc etc. I just left an 11 year relationship and am trying to get my own life and career started after investing all my time in him. I need a break! I need some peace! I do not have a bank acct, nor a car of my own, but i do have a promising PT job and the opportunity to be involved in some local theater. Her moods about everything I do affect me so much... then I feel like I'm too sensitive, then I feel like I need to 'hide my light under a bushel' then I feel selfish and childish, then I just feel crazy. sigh. I feel like I can't begin to live my life here, but I can not afford to go anywhere else. I feel like a hostage.

Any advice? :'(

[Contradancer]

You and I are in the same boat, except my Queen Witch is 77 years old, and I am 53. Rough? Oh, yes it is.

I've learned to pick my battles. I've also learned that if I'm far more productive it makes her look bad, but then she has no room to complain that I'm lazy. I'm higher energy and more focused than she so it's easy to do.

It is possible to form a Teflon coating just for her while not hiding your light under a bushel. By walking on eggshells (please, read the book) you're allowing her to define and control you. You can learn to set up healthy boundaries.

Best wishes!

[Alastor]

That's a pretty challenging situation all around. Moving in with a BPD parent after going through a break up is like adding insult to injury :s

Honestly though, I think having an escape plan would help. What do you need in order to get out of there? And how can you get it? For me at least, having some concrete goals would provide some light at the end of the tunnel and help focus efforts. Otherwise it can be easy to get dragged down into BPD hell. In the meantime, there are tonnes of resources and experience available on BPD family that could help get you through this.

I moved back in with BPDmom one summer during college, broke and out of options (also at her request). Two weeks in and following her first rage, that was more than enough impetus for me to count the days until I was out of there.

[Botswana Agate]

Is there any way you can apply for assistance, like food support, rent assistance, anything like that to avoid staying with her?  There aren't any women's shelters you can look into?  Just thinking that anything is worth looking into for your peace of mind and sanity.  I moved back home shortly after graduating college, and I only lasted about a few weeks before I couldn't stand being under my uBPD mom's thumb one second longer. 

[frenchie]

I also feel extremely guilty about 'leaving' her. She can not afford her apartment on her own, has no savings, blah blah. Sometimes I feel guilty... like I'm 'using' her for a place to stay. I try to remind myself that parents are supposed to be there for you when you really need help. I have read "WOES" and many other books that have helped a lot. I think I am just hyper-sensitized right now from all the stress of these last years, and from being isolated for so long. Also, I am on break for the holidays, so am forced to be around her constantly.

I am saving as much money as possible... that is the only plan I can think of right now.