how do you make a simple request of a BPD

[Steve4444]

How do you say to a BPD something like, "that's the kind of information I would like to know about in advance?" without WWIII breaking out?  Ever comment seems to be perceived as a criticism, you are a bad person, sort of comment.  Am I supposed to swallow those things and just let them build up?

Thank you.

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[waverider]

Often it is the tone we ask these questions. It may seem innocuous to us but can sound sarcastic or critical to a pwBPD.

Often also it is not the initial trigger comment that causes the issue, we cant always avoid triggers, it is the inability to defuse the situation once the trigger is tripped. ie we make it worse by over defending our comment so it than becomes a subject for escalating conflict.

You are entitled to make clear statements such as this, as long as you are not using dismissive or invalidating tones. They will react as they will, then you disengage if they attempt to make a big issue. To do otherwise is walking on eggshells. This what we are trying to change, our own interaction, not control their actions, which you can't.

[an0ught]

Hi Steve4444,

How do you say to a BPD something like, "that's the kind of information I would like to know about in advance?" without WWIII breaking out?  Ever comment seems to be perceived as a criticism, you are a bad person, sort of comment.  Am I supposed to swallow those things and just let them build up?

was it something that happens regularly? Do you believe a reason she did not share the information beforehand or did it just happen like some things just happen in life?