The lull before the storm is likely over

[littleln]

HAven't been here in awhile. We have been LC with MIL for over a year. It was easy because she was preoccupied with her "new" life. Her sugar daddy boyfriend who supported her financially, and his kids who were fresh meat for her to torture.

Well he wised up and broke it off in epic fashion. The best we can discern is that he booked a vacation without her knowledge and just left on his own, leaving her instructions to be gone with all of her stuff by a certain date. So now, surprise surpise, she's jobless, homeless, and beyond neck deep in debt. To make matters worse she is moving to with in a 90 minute drive of us. She is moving in with SIL until she "Gets on her feet" Sure sure.

So now that she has destroyed her life she will be extra needy, and is probably once again looking for attention (And money) and I think she is going to be hitting us up for it. Well she is coming into town today and I"m SO not looking forward to this. I'm certain she will continue to be nice to me for a little bit, but I've been keeping medium chill for 3 years. Once she gets that I'm not her BFF (there are things you can't take back, telling me that you are glad my mom is dead, calling cps on us for no reason, and threatening to sure us to see our kids more often ranks up there in the "unforgivable" category) I'm certain I'll be panted black once again. It may not even be the medium chill, just refusing to "lend" her money that we "owe" her for "Raising" dh or refusing to let her move in with us once SIL has had enough and kicks her out will be enough for me to become the devil once again. IT doesn't even matter who tells her or if I" nice, not nice. Whatever. She needs someone to paint black and I'm BEYOND certain that I will be it fairly soon.

Anyway just posting on here to reintro myself since I'm sure I'll be lurking around a bit and posting some.

[GeekyGirl]

It sounds like you need to set some clear boundaries, littlein. You have decided that you aren't going to lend your MIL money or have her move in with you, which is understandable. Are you and your DH on the same page about how to handle her requests?

What would happen if she did say things about you? What concerns you the most about having her back in the area?

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, littleln!

Wow, I imagine if someone broke up with me that way I would be feeling pretty devastated. If I had BPD and lacked the coping skills to regulate those emotions on my own, I guess I would need to seek out whomever I could reach to make myself feel better. I don't think you're wrong to anticipate that your MIL will be looking to you and your DH for that kind of help. Having a mother with BPD myself and knowing your history with your MIL, I can definitely see why that is a troubling thought to you, too.

GeekyGirl makes a good point about boundaries. It sounds like you have done some thinking about where some of yours are. What about others--how much time will you spend on the phone with her, do you receive unannounced visitors, etc.? You seem prepared for a scenario where you are split "all bad" for saying no to her. I would be interested to hear how you feel about that and how you might plan to cope with that situation.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[littleln]

Well she's here visiting with her dog that she is letting chew up my kids toys. She still hasn't told us he has left and that her situation is bad. Instead she is talking like they are still together. It's crazy, she even gave the kids gifts from him and she went on about some surgery she's going to have in January. Sil was also here, I can't even count how many times she rolled her eyes because mil was lying about everything and sil knows it. Then mil starts asking " hypothetical" questions about "if" she moved back to the area. She does that and then takes what ever tiny "hypothetical" answer you give and holds you to it. Sort of unfair when she has all the info and you supposedly don't, amiright? Then she started asking if we could help her out with a job opening where we work. I didn't say anything, but oh hell no. She's a horrible employee, no integrity and causes drama. Well probably both shoot emails to hr telling them to avoid her.

Well we aren't totally on the same page. I want nc, I've wanted it for years. Dh wants lc. Barring nc not being an option, the boundaries we have set up are all right. I'm just worried that he'll soften up over time. She can be very charming and every child just wants their mom to love them.

If I get painted black and she's covert about it, it causes problems. She can be very sneaky, it drives me nuts but honestly the best thing to do is ignore her and tell dh about it later. If she's overt with it we won't stand for it as long as I don't react at her she takes care of it. If I do react he still takes care of it but I get an earful about how I "fed the beast". Which he's exactly right. When she does it out in the open she really is just trying to get a big reaction so she can cry and play the victim which is what she does. Then we're all horrible people. Especially me. So it's better to just stuck it up and be Teflon but I have a hard time remembering to do that.

[littleln]

And update. She didn't even last two days. DH just called me at work telling me he kicked her out. She is hard to take even when she is being nice because she gaslights and finds little ways to drive you nuts so that you go nuts, get mad at her etc... .then when you kick her out you look like the most evil douche to walk the planet. So in a way, even though we are rid of her for now, she sort of won because now she will go home with LOTS to talk about about how she isn't treated well by us and we kicked her out, blah blah blah. NEver mind the fact that in an effort to save money, rather than board her 60lb puppy she brought it to our house. Then she let it destroy our house (other than being house broken, the dog is untrained it doesn't know the word "no" and just does whatever it wants including eating my brand new pair of $200 boots) causing $1000's in damages. All so she could save about $130 on boading fees.

[P.F.Change]

NEver mind the fact that in an effort to save money, rather than board her 60lb puppy she brought it to our house. Then she let it destroy our house (other than being house broken, the dog is untrained it doesn't know the word "no" and just does whatever it wants including eating my brand new pair of $200 boots) causing $1000's in damages. All so she could save about $130 on boading fees.

When I start feeling resentments like this toward other people, it is usually because I am not minding my own boundaries properly--I need to do the work to communicate my needs. Do you think you have a boundary here that you allowed your MIL to cross? What could you have done differently in this situation in order to take care of yourself?

Well we aren't totally on the same page. I want nc, I've wanted it for years. Dh wants lc. Barring nc not being an option, the boundaries we have set up are all right. I'm just worried that he'll soften up over time. She can be very charming and every child just wants their mom to love them.

I can understand that concern. You're right, we do all need our mothers to love us, and it is hard sometimes to accept that a mental illness is in the way of that. What will you do if he does start to relax some of his boundaries?

Have you had a look at any of the board LESSONS lately? I'm thinking these could be helpful to review, if you're interested:

BOUNDARIES--Living our values

TOOLS:Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

PERSPECTIVES:Conflict dynamics/Karpman triangle

PF