And he's back on Match

[sirensong65]

So, I have been suffering massive depression, damn near can't work, weight loss, and he is back on Match.com calling himself an old fashioned, caring man looking for a woman who wants kids someday... .

What an ass... .

[TakingWingAtLast]

Siren,

My expwBPDgf was on Match.com exactly one day after getting me out of the house and ending an 8 year relationship.  This IS what they do. 

They just can't help it it seems.

It DOES hurt though!  I get that!

D

[Turkish]

So, I have been suffering massive depression, damn near can't work, weight loss, and he is back on Match.com calling himself an old fashioned, caring man looking for a woman who wants kids someday... .

What an ass... .

I'm sorry, sirenson65... .seems like he is playing the siren, eh?

I can attest to the first three things you say having happened to me the past few months... .it gets better at some point. Detaching is about us not mentally abusing ourselves after they have gone. Hang in there.  I know its extrememely difficult (mine put out the story of the neglected waif out on FB... .I finally blocked her), but resist the urge to check up on him. The disorder will claim its next victim, have no doubt... .

[sirensong65]

Thanks guys, and I know I am being a damn sadist to even go look for it...   I just got a gut feeling.

Sort of like the gut feeling I ignored when I first met him.

So much regret.   :'(

[Turkish]

Thanks guys, and I know I am being a damn sadist to even go look for it...   I just got a gut feeling.

Sort of like the gut feeling I ignored when I first met him.

So much regret.   :'(

Trust that gut next time! I had the feeling, too... .even before we were romantically involved... .and before she pushed for the first child too quickly... .and before the second which I resisted... .(I was later honest about why I had reservations: her mental stability... .and she blamed me for not being more forthright at the time!).

[sirensong65]

I thought he was very attractive the night I met him and I loved his personality.  But he was SO enamored with me and I was creeped out by that.  It was just odd.  Then came the constant texts, h is in computer industry so he was making these custom gifs with my name embedded in them with things like a rose opening or the sun rising and Good Morning attached.  I had just gotten out of a year long relationship that had been draining in other ways so I felt maybe I was feeling jaded and here was this sweet, romantic guy who liked me and I was less than amused.  So, I tried to tell myself to cut him some slack.

But four weeks in and he was just ALWAYS wanting to see me and I have a career and teenagers...   My life is pretty busy.  Anyway, he wants to see me mid week.  I say I need us to dial the intensity back and ask for a rain check.  I found out later, he went over to this gals house who he had blown off to start pursuing me and sleep with her that very night.  I now think, wow... nice passive aggressive move.  Had I only known that really happened I wouldn't be here now. 

[damage control]

Of course he is back on Match.

The internet/dating sites have made it a limitless supply for them.

I used to be hurt/upset that he was online "fishing' ... now, he hasn't been there for 2 weeks and now I think that he doesn't need to go there anymore because he has found that my replacement is enough for him and I am hurt/upset by that.

They set up the dynamics and the rules of the game and we cannot win ... no matter what.

[Surnia]

Hi sirensong

I am so sorry. 

I would be hurting too.

Its good to be angry too. It can help against feeling very low.

Can you do something really nice for yourself?

[TakingWingAtLast]

It's so funny you mention the anger Surnia.  I am not mustering the anger well.  And I'm feeling very vulnerable as a result.   I think this is one of the reasons that I have a tendency to recycle.   I don't keep anger well.  Never have.  It's too toxic.   But I do keep feeling depressed pretty well.  So I am so vulnerable. 

I really hate this.   I'd rather be angry.  More empowering.  And the expwBPDgf knows this somehow.   All her texts for the past week have been sweet and caring.  The allure is so there it's plays on my soul.  I want to help her get better.  To conquer the BpD together. 

This is the delusional part.  I thought I was more ready than this. But I'm not.

D

[arn131arn]

Taking wing,

I have been recycled too.  Recently, I was longing for another one.  What you said gives me hope that if/when the recycle comes, I can have the stregth you have had to remain radio silent... .

I wish I could print the things I read on here that are so meaningful to me, then file them, and organize them for when the s**t hits the fan, I can pull them out and read them... .

This is going to be allot of work

[sadinnc98]

Oh no... .I have been there, done that... several times. Seeing him on Match just killed me, over and over.  I compared the words in his profile to the things he said to me and it was joke... Like when he broke up it was "My life is a mess... " but Match said "Life is good"... its just crazy... I know it hurts so badly. Mine has moved on to OW I am pretty sure... I have been in limbo for several days and trying to move on too. I don't know how they can do it-it makes my physically sick to imagine being with another man... .

[TakingWingAtLast]

Arn and SadinNC,

Breathe!  Breathe my friends.  Breathe through the hurt.   

SadinNC, I know that gut wrench knowing that the expwBPDgf has already spread her legs for the new ones she met on match or whatever web site she has chosen.

BUT, it can also be freeing at the same time.   I think about her being with these men.  Having the same kind of sex we did.  It shows that I'm dismissed.   Discarded.  If you look at it, REALLY look at it for what it is, then you see clearly that you weren't ever in a real relationship at all.  People who are healthy don't get on Match and hookup like that after a serious relationship.  It was all a delusion. 

On another post here called Sexual Depersonalization, I even realized the sex part was devoid of intimacy.   

When the recycling moment arrives, imagine the your guy being physically with another woman.   It'll help with the desire to try an recycle.  You can use this as a way of fighting back.  And it will help you see the reality of our common Non position.   We ARE vulnerable, but we don't have to recycle anyhow.  We know that we can see the truth.  It's ugly, it hurts, but it's the truth.   And that can help.   If you have some anger use it!  It's why its there! 

For me angry is too toxic to keep.  So I have to just feel the vulnerability.  Just simply be vulnerable and let those emotions of despair and depression come right on through.   Each time it's easier.  I'm not done.   I know this because I'm still vulnerable.  But so far, still batting a 1000 by not engaging with the expwBPDgf despite my own feelings about it. 

I might give a little humorous suggestion here for all.   I have listed the expwBPDgf as the "expwBPDgf" as her contact name!  So every message or phone call I get, that's the first thing I see.   There's something about that helps.  And it's a small sweet revenge to be completely honest.

Keep strong!  Move forward!

D

[sadinnc98]

Arn and SadinNC,


BUT, it can also be freeing at the same time.   I think about her being with these men.  Having the same kind of sex we did.  It shows that I'm dismissed.   :)iscarded.  If you look at it, REALLY look at it for what it is, then you see clearly that you weren't ever in a real relationship at all.  People who are healthy don't get on Match and hookup like that after a serious relationship.  It was all a delusion. 

This really spoke to me... .I am having a hard time realizing I have been dismissed and discarded... it hurts me to my core. This man was sending me pics of engagement rings and over the top flower arrangements last week... only to be completely dropped on my head again for no reason that I can think of. its a big emotional mind-F... .hurts so bad. I treated him like gold, I just don't understand.  :'( I would think most people would be glad to be OUT of this but I miss him and our good times so badly.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

It's so funny you mention the anger Surnia.  I am not mustering the anger well.  And I'm feeling very vulnerable as a result.   I think this is one of the reasons that I have a tendency to recycle.   I don't keep anger well.  Never have.  It's too toxic.   But I do keep feeling depressed pretty well.  So I am so vulnerable.  


D

I think we are taught that anger is a bad thing. Most our ex's probably used this against us. " why are you angry? " ( really? You are the one who is always angry for something stupid) it's manipulation. Make us think we are not good people or have a problem if we are ever angry. Always being angry is one thing but being angry over something legitimate is authentic. We just have to differentiate between righteous anger and unfounded anger. Being angry and acting out destructively on that anger.

My mom used to say to me. I wish you could just get angry. And she is a sweet calm person. Now I see she was right. The not being angry kept me attached to him and made me vulnerable to the recycles.  I guess I wasn't ready till I was ready.

This last time being able to be angry was actually a healing thing. It's like denying that anger is not being fair to yourself. What they did should cause anger. It has given me the ability to never be recycled again. That and the full knowledge finally of all the things he has done that I wasn't aware of.  Anger at what he did to me has been like a protective barrier.

Anger saved me!

Also they say depression is anger turned inward!

[sirensong65]

Yes, i'm angry but it comes and goes I wish I could stay in that F_ _ _ k him mode but I am a mess of a person right now which makes me feel even more horrible.  I was always pretty even keeled until I went through this CRAP with him.  Now I FEEL like the basket case, nut job.  Happy and working out and thinking I dodged a bullet one day, crying and unable to get out bed the next 6 hours, depressed and re hashing EVERYTHING over and over again the next.

I make no sense.  I clearly understand that he has this illness, undiagnosed or not, he fits the bill in EVERY way so I SHOULD be able to be a rational, sane woman and say, "what a bullet I just dodged", and move on.  Instead, KNOWING this was like a scam job he ran on me, KNOWING that the whole relationship was a lie, KNOWING this is a pathetic script he runs over and over again with the ending of him bailing and the woman stunned wondering what the hell just happened, I still mourn what NEVER WAS.  What never was real, or authentic or loving or caring.

I'm sorry... .  I have lurked on here for SO many hours, TOO MANY HOURS, crying and mourning and staying stuck in this crap for what seems like forever.  I had worn out the ears and patience of most of my loving friends though they would never say that, and I want so badly to wake up and say,La De Freakin' Dah he's gone, he's chasing tail again and I don't give a hoot... .but I do.

This would be so much easier if I knew that he atleast felt pain over the break up and I was not alone in my mourning.  BUT, that is a pipe dream for if that were the case, he would have had feelings IN the relationship, and I wouldn't be here... .

[sirensong65]

And I am sorry but I may start verbally vomiting on here a lot in the next 24 hours cause I am going through THAT cycle where this consumes me.  The whole damn mess clouds my mind and takes over all waking AND non waking thoughts.

But, I go to the Match profile and I see that he made his profile picture one of him a couple of years ago where he was gaunt because it was right before he was diagnosed with a serious heart condition.  He LOOKS very ill in the picture.  This was a picture taken before I knew him.  But towards the end, I remember he was changing his facebook profile picture to this SAME PICTURE and I said, "Love,why do you use that picture?  You look so ill in that one.  Why not use the RECENT pictures I took of you in St. Augustine, you look so great there, happy, weight back on, good color."  He couldn't explain why he likes those pictures and he just left it up and we never discussed it again.

That was the picture he had up when I met him of Plenty of Fish.  I never said anything, but I was turned off by the picture.  I thought he looked anorexic and almost chose not to meet him.  When I did, I was stunned, he was atleast 15 pounds heavier and adorable, handsome.

Why the hell does he use pictures that make him look so bad?  Any thoughts?

[arn131arn]

Siren,

He may be playing the helpless Waif character to gain sympathy and finding a rescuer... .just my thoughts bc I was with a Wiaf for 14 years

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Siren,

He may be playing the helpless Waif character to gain sympathy and finding a rescuer... .just my thoughts bc I was with a Wiaf for 14 years

My thoughts exactly! Why does that work? So weird. I think after a lifetime of practice they learn what works as irrational as it may seem.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Yes, i'm angry but it comes and goes I wish I could stay in that F_ _ _ k him mode but I am a mess of a person right now which makes me feel even more horrible.  I was always pretty even keeled until I went through this CRAP with him.  Now I FEEL like the basket case, nut job.  Happy and working out and thinking I dodged a bullet one day, crying and unable to get out bed the next 6 hours, depressed and re hashing EVERYTHING over and over again the next.

I make no sense.  I clearly understand that he has this illness, undiagnosed or not, he fits the bill in EVERY way so I SHOULD be able to be a rational, sane woman and say, "what a bullet I just dodged", and move on.  Instead, KNOWING this was like a scam job he ran on me, KNOWING that the whole relationship was a lie, KNOWING this is a pathetic script he runs over and over again with the ending of him bailing and the woman stunned wondering what the hell just happened, I still mourn what NEVER WAS.  What never was real, or authentic or loving or caring.

I'm sorry... .  I have lurked on here for SO many hours, TOO MANY HOURS, crying and mourning and staying stuck in this crap for what seems like forever.  I had worn out the ears and patience of most of my loving friends though they would never say that, and I want so badly to wake up and say,La De Freakin' Dah he's gone, he's chasing tail again and I don't give a hoot... .but I do.

This would be so much easier if I knew that he atleast felt pain over the break up and I was not alone in my mourning.  BUT, that is a pipe dream for if that were the case, he would have had feelings IN the relationship, and I wouldn't be here... .

Siren,

If I didn't know better I could have written this post word for word especially after my first confusing discard! This is now my 2nd. Which has been extremely painful but not nearly as bad as the first. 1st one I was exactly as you described. I felt like I was in a Dark hole and couldn't get out. And friends and family don't truly understand. But we do. Talk to us. Vomit as much as you need to. We don't judge. We all feel the same way. Some are just at different stages.

At 1st one I was finally beginning to feel like myself after 9 months and who shows up! Fell for it. Please don't when it happens and it probably will. You will only be prolonging your pain.

The back and forth in feeling good one day and bad the next are actually a sign of healing. It will get better I promise. It just sucks that it takes so long. A BPD is not strong enough to go through this that is why they move on to the next. It is not love. It is using for regulating their emotions and avoiding the pain.

Btw. I like that you used scam job. I told my ex the same in a text that he is nothing but a scam artist. And other things... .And it's true. I think he was shocked that I actually figured everything out finally.

[sirensong65]

Iwalk-Heruns:

Hey, I love the screen name!  And this is why I don't think I will EVER hear from him again... .I made it PERFECTLY clear I was onto him and I used Facebook and the knowledge that he was probably stalking my page against him.

When he did what he did and it didn't add up, I researched and figured out it was BPD.  But I didn't stop there. He was foolish enough to vomit up ALL info on his exes, so I looked up the Ex before me who withstood three years with him and who he referred to as "The Monster".  I asked her if she would be willing to speak to me and explained what happened.  I said, "if you think I am crazy for contacting you (and believe me, I feel a little off balance for doing so) I will fully understand if you chose not to reply.  But to my surprise, she DID respond.  And we batted FB messages back and forth, comparing notes.  She was almost three years out from him and had STILL not really dated because of the pain he put her through.  She still carried guilt from the relationship.  She said she came home one day to find him GONE!  All his stuff gone and no note, nothing.  Then two weeks later she gets this terse, horrid email claiming SHE was the reason for ALL their problems and that was the last she had heard.  I felt so bad for her, I cried for her pain.

I told her about BPD, gave her links to this site and online articles.  That first night, she poured over all of it, texting me all night long relieved and sad at once, FINALLY, she has answers and she felt it WAS NOT her.

We have talked and text daily ever since, for almost a month now.  A week ago, we decided to meet for drinks and we took a picture together and posted it to Facebook and became facebook friends.  Out of the shadows... we aren't the ones who should hide.  Well, he FLIPPED THE HELL OUT.  At first I got a text saying, "I really don't care what you do, but you are looking really bad right now."  Riigghhtt!  No one thought a thing about it, as a matter of fact, people loved that we met and I had a new friend.  No one understands how this feels like someone who has SURVIVED HIM.  After that I got a text at 2 am, "We need to talk, I can't sleep... "  I'm thinking, "really, his heart is heavy?"  So I respond and he launched into a vicscious, threatening tirade of texts that went on for HOURS.  Then, when he felt I was sufficiently depressed and beaten down, he sent one final text, "look we are both victims here.  I still love you and I wish you no ill will.  Hope you have a nice Christmas."  This was Christmas Eve.  Thanks for that ass...

So, my point is...   He knows I am VERY clear as yo WHO he is and WHAT is M.O. is.  I became friends with public enemy #1 in his mind, and I am not shy to tell people what happened when they ask me.  I might as well have leprosy, he won't touch me with a ten foot pole.  I kind of like I did it this way.  HE doused us in gasoline, I just tossed the match and walked off arm in arm with his ex before me... In some respects, I feel like I got to end it.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Siren that is soo awesome. It is one of my fantasies and you got to live it.

I contacted my ex's ex wife on private message on FB because her page was open just saying if you ever needed validation that what you went through was hell ... .I never heard from her.

If he is a narc too they hate to be exposed. That's why the sudden communication after he saw that on FB when before had notin to say.

You did his ex an incredible favor giving her that knowledge. I sometimes wonder where I would be had I not found out about it.

You are my hero!

[UnLuckyLady]

Way to go SirenSong!   

I have been wanting to contact one of his ex's (the one right before me) to compare notes, but I don't even know her last name... .nor if she would even speak to me.  He made me feel as if I was the only woman he had fallen so deeply for, and had that special "connection" with... .but I hardly think so now.  That torches my soul beyond.

Anyway... .HATS OFF TO YOU for having the guts to do what soo many of us here wish we could.  Blowin him a kiss followed by the finger... .awesome!