I took the bait... should have known better

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm kicking myself, but at the same time, I have sense of relief because I can be free of her without guilt (somewhat).

I cut off contact with my BPD mom right before Christmas.  I had the most relaxing Christmas I've ever had.  No drama.  Yay!  My children (4 of them) have birthdays back to back (Dec. 31 and January bdays).  My mom has always latched on to my eldest girl and already started her manipulations.  Anyway, I felt pretty good about things (not being around my Mom) and then my daughter gets this card in the mail wishing her a happy birthday and it is signed "I miss you so terribly much."  It had a $50 itunes card in it.  I debated whether I should give it to my daughter.  I ended up giving her the itunes card and telling her it was from her grandmother but not the birthday card due to the questions I would get from my daughter.

So, I emailed my mom and said thank you.  I told her we appreciated her Christmas gifts and my daughter liked/appreciated her birthday gift.   I told her she was welcome to come visit the kids but just to call first as we have school and so many extra curricular activities (to make sure we are home).  I also stated (very factually, not with emotion so she could twist anything)--I will not discuss any family issues, the past, my sisters, money, etc.  I felt I needed to set that boundary if I was going to let her back in with LC.  I also told her the toddler's birthday was the next day.

I get an email back from her saying she is too busy in January to visit the kids (she lives 25 minutes away).  No mention of the baby's birthday (which is today).  I find it so odd she would go to such lengths with one and not the other. Then she tops it off with--"I don't have any intention of discussing any of those things with you.  Doctor's orders!"

I almost laughed out loud.  She lies about going to therapy and when does go, she lies in therapy.  I felt relief in that I had thrown her a bone, opened up one more time, and she didn't accept.  So now it is on her... .I thought it so strange that she would send my daughter a card saying she missed her so terribly much and then said she didn't have time in January to see her.

I'm not even going to respond... .I probably should have stayed NC.

[bright_future_mama]

I'm kicking myself, but at the same time, I have sense of relief because I can be free of her without guilt (somewhat).

I cut off contact with my BPD mom right before Christmas.  I had the most relaxing Christmas I've ever had.  No drama.  Yay!  My children (4 of them) have birthdays back to back (Dec. 31 and January bdays).  My mom has always latched on to my eldest girl and already started her manipulations.  Anyway, I felt pretty good about things (not being around my Mom) and then my daughter gets this card in the mail wishing her a happy birthday and it is signed "I miss you so terribly much."  It had a $50 itunes card in it.  I debated whether I should give it to my daughter.  I ended up giving her the itunes card and telling her it was from her grandmother but not the birthday card due to the questions I would get from my daughter.

So, I emailed my mom and said thank you.  I told her we appreciated her Christmas gifts and my daughter liked/appreciated her birthday gift.   I told her she was welcome to come visit the kids but just to call first as we have school and so many extra curricular activities (to make sure we are home).  I also stated (very factually, not with emotion so she could twist anything)--I will not discuss any family issues, the past, my sisters, money, etc.  I felt I needed to set that boundary if I was going to let her back in with LC.  I also told her the toddler's birthday was the next day.

I get an email back from her saying she is too busy in January to visit the kids (she lives 25 minutes away).  No mention of the baby's birthday (which is today).  I find it so odd she would go to such lengths with one and not the other. Then she tops it off with--"I don't have any intention of discussing any of those things with you.  Doctor's orders!"

I almost laughed out loud.  She lies about going to therapy and when does go, she lies in therapy.  I felt relief in that I had thrown her a bone, opened up one more time, and she didn't accept.  So now it is on her... .I thought it so strange that she would send my daughter a card saying she missed her so terribly much and then said she didn't have time in January to see her.

I'm not even going to respond... .I probably should have stayed NC.

[bright_future_mama]

I think it is also so laughable that she would say something like ":)octor's Orders" as though she was the victim.  As if she has been going to therapy because of me.  She has emotionally abused me and my sisters, her friends, other family members, lied to all of us, stolen money from all of us, done identity theft on all of us, threatened/attempted suicide, but she still somehow sees me as the bad guy and her as the victim. It's amazing.  As a mother, I would do anything I could to right a wrong or repair a relationship with my children. 

[Botswana Agate]

Well, at least now you know not to take any more of her bait.  Stay NC.  ((HUGS))

[Sitara]

As a mother, I would do anything I could to right a wrong or repair a relationship with my children.

I think this all the time too.  However, our mothers are mentally ill. 

I get an email back from her saying she is too busy in January to visit the kids (she lives 25 minutes away).

This behavior always confused me too.  Generally stopping over was way too inconvenient for her.  She did it so often I basically just felt like I was just an inconvenience for her.  I have to wonder if the minimal involvement (sending gifts) was only done so she could assert her rights as grandma when they suited her, or so that she could ensure we would have to do something for her birthday/holidays. 

I find it so odd she would go to such lengths with one and not the other.

My mom has the white/black child in each little family.  She has one of each with me and my sis, one with my sis's two kids, and one with my two kids.  I think it's her splitting behavior and she's just incapable of loving both.  She can only focus on one at a time (and it can switch).

Just take this time to work on healing yourself.

[bright_future_mama]

Oh, how the drama continues.  Now, my enmeshed younger sister (who doesn't deny any of my mother's problems/BPD) just gave my daughter's new cell phone number to my mother.  Without asking me.  And knowing what is going on and that I am trying to maintain NC.  I'm just in shock that she could be so careless, knowing how I feel about things.  Especially when a child is involved.  So, my mom doesn't have time for us this morning, doesn't acknowledge the baby's birthday, tells me her doctor ordered her not to talk to me, but she's texting my child.   

What's interesting is my enmeshed younger sister does this... .invites her on trips with us (without asking me), tells her personal things about me, and the latest, they teamed up on me because I couldn't afford to drive/get a hotel to my other sister's child's bday party 6 1/2 hours away.  But my child doesn't even get a happy birthday.   

[losthero]

I know it is definitely a hassle but well worth it to have your daughters phone number changed and DO NOT give your sister the new number.  Your mom will mind f$@k your child with her FOG.  Your sister is enmeshed and is not safe to share personal information with that you dont want your mom to know.  Sorry, but I know and have been there and am learning how to better protect myself from toxic people.  You are the adult, force your mother to go through you to have access to your kids.  You can better screen her manipulations that way, like you did with the card.

[Sitara]

You could also get the number blocked so she can't text her.  How old is your daughter?  Does she understand what is going on with the situation?

[bright_future_mama]

I never wanted to tell my daughter what was going on (she's 11).  I didn't want to subject her to learning things too early as I did (adult things that she didn't need to worry about; my mother did that to me and I feel like I lost much of my childhood).  But my daughter is very intuitive and quickly figures things out.  She would ask me things; she would notice my Mom's behavior of my facial expressions/body language... . I finally did have to tell her some about my mother, especially after she told her things about my Dad's affair (intimate things). 

The phone is actually an itouch.  She's not really allowed to have a real phone yet or do any type of social media.  But you can text on her device.  But I was able to block the number!  Yay Apple! 

[Sitara]

adult things that she didn't need to worry about; my mother did that to me and I feel like I lost much of my childhood

There's definitely a difference between the adult things a pwBPD tells their child and the adult things a healthy parent tells their child.  The pwBPD is often doing this expecting the child to help them deal with something; the healthy parent tells the child things they feel is important for them to know for their own safety or growth.

Have you set up any boundaries with your mom?

[bright_future_mama]

Thank you!  That is an excellent point!  There is such a difference.  My mom would tell me these things so she would have an ally. I have told my daughter just to protect her from my mother's manipulative ways and certainly not willingly.  Such a distinct difference!  Thanks for pointing that out.  I have never thought of it that way.  I felt like I had done the same to her that my mother did to me.

I blocked her number on the phone, didn't respond to her email, but as far as a formal boundary by communicating it to her, I have not.  I plan to just not respond anymore.  I wonder if I need to communicate this to my Mom?  I just feel like she twists and entangles me when I do have conversations with her so I thought it better to just disengage.

[BlueCat]

I never wanted to tell my daughter what was going on (she's 11).  I didn't want to subject her to learning things too early as I did (adult things that she didn't need to worry about; my mother did that to me and I feel like I lost much of my childhood).  But my daughter is very intuitive and quickly figures things out.  She would ask me things; she would notice my Mom's behavior of my facial expressions/body language... . I finally did have to tell her some about my mother, especially after she told her things about my Dad's affair (intimate things). 

I am also careful with my kids because of how I grew up. My mother overshared many, many things. It was all about her and her need to be validated and she didn't worry about us kids at all. I think it's wrong to involve kids in adult issues and he said/she said. Basically, it's gossip and they don't need that.

But as you said here, kids figure things out and it's also harmful to pretend that what they see and hear and experience is false.

So what I do with my kids is I only talk about things they have personally experienced. If they ask about my childhood I'm really vague and say something like "she wasn't a great mother" but that's about it. I don't share stories with them.

Instead we've discussed the things they've seen, the times she's yelled at them (etc). And same with my sister. With my sister I just told them "we don't get along" but we only actually talk about the way she's acted around them.

And good idea on the blocking!