He just locked me out

[PacifistMom]

A friend is here so I will be ok but yeah he seriously just locked me out of the house. Laughing. It's been a horrible week of him treating me horribly. His friend was telling him don't take out your Anger on those you love and he's been going on all night. They were out a while I received this familiar sounding text

"You may be asking what's going on with me but I know for a long time that something isn't right it's not the same.  I know "

My question is. How do I help here? Do I validate via text? I have no intention of talking it out tonight as he's been drinking but. What would be some good words to validate his emotions without saying he is right or it's ok that he's treated me horribly with no known instigation for 4 days straight?

Hoping someone has some words of advice so I can take a better approach to this little message so I can try to start stopping the bleeding!

Last week it was we have to get married we know it's forever and all the rosy glow stuff and supportive and proud ... . This week it's all the wrongs I and my family have done him. Help!

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[pecia]

  they can sometimes be really hard to deal with. I have found that when my BPDh gets mean (locking me out type mean)- I just ignore him. He is usually trying to bait me into being a b!tch so he can blame the situation on me. You could always text him backs and say "are you ok? I am here for you if you want to talk". Maybe even reinforce that you love him. Sometimes that's all you can do when you have no idea what is triggering their outburst. Just don't hang around for him to get abusive. If he texts you something ugly back- tell him he can text you back when he isn't going to be mean. Seems to work well for us. Nipping it at the start had cut down on the abuse around here. Hope this helps. Keep posting and welcome - pecia

[an0ught]

A friend is here so I will be ok but yeah he seriously just locked me out of the house. Laughing. It's been a horrible week of him treating me horribly. His friend was telling him don't take out your Anger on those you love and he's been going on all night.

 Not good. Although some distance to him may help to calm things down. Good that you have support through a friend. 

They were out a while I received this familiar sounding text

"You may be asking what's going on with me but I know for a long time that something isn't right it's not the same.  I know "

My question is. How do I help here? Do I validate via text?

It is a bit cryptic. Could be an indication that he knows something he wants to disclose but does not dare? Do you know what it means?

So maybe not text at all and talk? And if text control frequency and speed.

If you want to validate take up the sentiment that things are broken. Also indicate a bit that you are also exploring.

"Yeah, something is off track here. We'll have to adjust - not that I know all the answers how"

And then take good care of yourself - that is the most important step.

Last week it was we have to get married we know it's forever and all the rosy glow stuff and supportive and proud ... . This week it's all the wrongs I and my family have done him. Help!

Words sometimes just make no sense. Neither the marriage nor the drama right now. Once you focus more on the emotions and less on words it gets a bit clearer where he is in his mind.

[PacifistMom]

Thank you so much for the replies.

Yes, it is like bait and all week I've been doing my best to not feed the fire. Usually I can identify a trigger of how he thinks I caused the fallout, but this week the only thing that happened is that I told him he cannot throw and break things when he is upset with our 3 year old daughter to which he replied that basically my poor parenting made her act unruly. So I guess he probably feels bad but doesn't identify it so this week has been about me having changed. That's usually the case, when he is feeling bad about something he makes it about me and my faults and what not.

Regarding the cryptic message, he means that either I am having an affair or I don't love him anymore. That's the jist of how he responds to crisis over the last 10 years.

Last night when he came to bed, it was just worse, as he said, You don't have to act like you're asleep, I'm not gonna talk to you, no worries I'll be out of your way soon enough. I told him that I was ready when he wanted to talk about things maturely. I went to sleep in the spare room. I didn't do it to make him mad but because it felt like a blowout was on the way but at the same time, I know he will be extra hurt and angry today that I slept in the spare room. At the moment, for me, it is preventing an abusive conversation but I know that will make it even worse today. What can I do to lighten the load since now he will be extra mad at me for this?

How do I cope with my hurt while I'm trying to relieve his pain? Do you all go to counselling? I have been considering it, he won't admit that he has any kind of issue but maybe I can at least get help in coping with him and trying to help him redirect. I have never planned to leave and don't want to hit the assessing board but my only problem is that I fear for my daughter - not being hurt physically, but the crushing effects to her self-confidence as a daughter and woman and her view of relationships.

It's hard to get all these thoughts out - sorry if my post is jumping around - I guess my big question is: Is there hope for the pwBPD who won't acknowledge it? Is there hope for my daughter and his relationship?

[Cumulus]

Hi pacifist mom, I am sorry to read about the situation you are in. Many of can easily relate to the no win situation you describe. My xBPDh would frequently use cryptic talk when communicating with me. I now believe that it was his way of assessing how much knowledge I had of a difficult situation he created and or lies he told me. I also believe it was sometimes used to "bait" me, to try and create drama by goading me into crying or becoming angry. It seemed that if he could create high emotion in me it allowed him to stabilize. At some point I shut down and no longer engaged with him. Sadly, he then began to antagonize our oldest daughter. Unlike yourself I had no idea what I was dealing with or how damaging it was. As to your question is there hope? I like to think there is always hope, it's just that the answers to our hope aren't always what we expect.

Our daughters are both adults now and my xBPDh remains untreated. Their relationship with their dad is complicated but they do have a relationship. They educated themselves on BPD and emotional abuse and have created very strict personal boundaries around themselves and their children when interacting with their father. Interestingly, both have chosen careers in a helping profession.

I wish I could give you the answers you are seeking, but they only come with time and with the decisions you make. I wish you peace.