The only friendship I've maintained after a breakup just went by the wayside

[truthbeknown]

I can't believe it just happened.  Since my divorce from my exuBPD wife,  I have had 3 relationships.  The first one and the last one were very tough on me in different ways.  The one i had in the middle was confusing but I felt like even though we didn't click as partners we figured out a way to be friends or maintain a friendship.  Until now.   I recently have been visiting my Mom and i'm considering whether i'm going to stay here for awhile or move here.  This exgf whom I remained friends with, can be volatile at times and sometimes she does say inappropriate and devaluing things but then the next day she apologizes and we move on.  I think i have been able to handle that from a "friend" point of view but recently she has had more and more severe moments of valuing/devaluing behavior.  Actually, she does alot of projection.  I know that i'm not perfect and we all project to some extent but i'm talking serious pot calling the kettle black lingo and it comes at times when she is feeling close to me but hating me for that. 

So tonight we were just talking and she was explaining her situation and some decision she made.  I listened for a very long time and then at the end i started explaining something about what i wanted to do and used some example of an author to illustrate my point.  She got very defensive for the author on the point that i was trying to make and i recognized where this was going.  She picks fights when she feels insecure about something or us and she is not even aware of it.  Usually the next day i talk her down or she apologizes (usually).  But this time she pushed me to my limits and mocked me and said that "my name, has to have his way, and my name thinks he is always right, and my name thinks that he's better then everybody."   I told her that it was getting late and i was going to jump off the call.  She started objecting to that (i know it kicked up abandonment issues) but i said it just doesn't sound like we're on the same page and i'm too tired to do this right now.  Lets talk tomorrow.   She not only wouldn't let me off the phone but started in with more devaluing and projecting.  So i just put a stop to it and said, "i'm hanging up now.  I'm getting off the phone.  goodnight."  And i ended the call.   15 minutes later she told me she was talking to her brother and he was appalled that i did this.  Now first of all she rarely talks to him unless she is going to where he lives and second of all it was probably midnight where he was.  But she went on to say that it is very rude to get hung up on and that she does not want a person like this in her life anymore- so don't call her anymore. 

I don't know why she picked the fight other then she might feel threatened that i'm in another state with my mom and maybe she thinks that i'm not coming back.  In behavior that i have observed before in these situations "the picking of the fight" usually means the end or the breakup.   Even though i thought we were just friends, i think she was treating this like a breakup.  So she tried to hurt me (i guess) before i could do the same.   

Bottom line is that I blocked her phone number.  I did tell her that i gave her ample notice before ending the call and that since she doesn't want to talk to me anymore or have me in her life i will be taking her off my phone registry.  I know i was reactive too and didn't want to be but i felt so disempowered that this was happening again.   We had managed to maintain this friendship even though we are not bf/gf and she is not seeing anyone else.  But maybe she thinks this is the only way to get over me by creating a fight?  sad right?   I am going to miss my crazy friendship with her.  Yes i said it.  I know it was still a friendship with someone who is emotionally imbalanced but i was proud that I had one r/s that didn't work out romantically that still could be said was a friendship.  Now i feel like even a bigger failure because now it's official- i suck at picking healthy women to have as relationship partners and i don't even have a former partner as a friend.  I could not imagine cutting her off in the past because there is a part of her that i enjoyed.  I guess is this is what she needs in order to move on then i should be compassionate about it.    Just really down about it. 

[gotbushels]

Hi truthbeknown   

I can't believe it just happened. 

Based on what you said, why you guys aren't talking makes sense. 

Just really down about it. 

When we lose a relationship that's important to us--especially a close one--it's totally normal to feed sad. Even when I haven't even lost a relationship, the fact that I don't get to catch up with a busy friend makes me feel a little sad--so of course that's ok. It helps to recall that any single relationship doesn't define who we are.

Now i feel like even a bigger failure because now it's official- i suck at picking healthy women to have as relationship partners and i don't even have a former partner as a friend.

Some people don't keep former partners as friends. I don't think someone is lesser of a person just because they don't have one of these. 

I don't know the details of the call. Given that you said she wasn't respecting your requests to end the call--I can see why you wanted to enforce what you said you wanted. That can actually feel frustrating. While it's hard to get it done in a polite way, I do think that's a good thing. The thing with doing things like this--similar to limit enforcement with pwBPDs--is that someone may get upset. While it's hard to go through around the time of such a call, I think in the long run it's a good opportunity to show yourself you can stick to your stuff and move forward.

Moreover, I think what she did after that call is still her responsibility--and not your failure.

[Mutt]

Hi truthbeknown,

Your friend is attached to you that’s why she acted the way that she did. Sometimes we do and say things in the moment that doesn’t necessarily make it permanent when we return to baseline.

[EdR]

Hi truthbeknown,

Your friend is attached to you that’s why she acted the way that she did. Sometimes we do and say things in the moment that doesn’t necessarily make it permanent when we return to baseline.

I agree with Mutt. The more drama, the stronger the connection. At least that's how it seems to be in many cases. That's what made and still makes it hard for me as well, because at times you still see that connection shining through.

I can't look inside her head though... .Maybe this is just a temporary thing, maybe it will last for a longer period of time, maybe it will last forever. I have learned and experienced that that will depend on a LOT of things:
her friends, her family, her feelings for you (are they still somewhat romantic, or is she afraid they will become romantic), her basic character traits, her insecurity etc. etc. etc.

Only time will tell unfortunately... .

But don't beat yourself up over it... .you cannot blame yourself here

[truthbeknown]

Update,

I felt bad for blocking her without voicing my viewpoints and truthfully i reacted and did it in the heat of the moment.  The PTSD kicked in and i really felt freaked out about how she would demonize me and turn everything around on me like that.  In that moment i wanted her as far away from me as possible.

I know this might be typical response to these things but my empathy kicked in today as far as remembering the good times we have had and i asked myself if i was over-reacting and should have just let this settle for a few days?  I think the reason i reacted so quickly is that she demonized me to her brother and maybe she has done that before ? maybe she hasn't ? but this time it was like she was on a mission to tell me that she told a family member. 

So today after some reflection i sent an email trying to tell my side of why i was upset by what she did. I even told her that i blocked her out of reactionary state and that i was trying to figure out how to undo it on my phone.  She definitely went in for the "kill" on that point and turned into into all about me and how she would have never done that etc. etc.   This led to a series of back and forth emails which I finally stated that until she is willing to look at her part in the equation then i'm not interested in discussing anything any further.  I don't like having to basically coach somebody how to be introspective but she won't until she talks to her spiritual coach or one of her spiritual friends.  The problem has become that when she thought she was going to be able to "get me back" she would probably be more truthful with them but now her pattern has been to distort more so who knows what she will tell them.  My point is she needs coaching or to borrow someone elses empathy because she can't seem to generate it on her own.  We were doing pretty good as friends but i think she is feeling abandoned because i moved back out of state temporarily (staying with a relative to help them).    Anyway, i'm now fighting myself for this because i get frustrated with myself that i just can't let her go.  I care about her as a person but wish that she would grow and learn from these experiences but she doesn't.  Instead this past time she went for devaluing my character. 

For now it's boundaries boundaries boundaries I guess.  but at least i feel that i tried to express to her my feelings.

[gotbushels]

... .truthfully i reacted and did it in the heat of the moment. 

Good on you for seeing that you reacted. I think recognising that point is important if you want to do yourself a better one in this kind of situation.

I felt bad for blocking her without voicing my viewpoints ... .

Sometimes when we don't feel we're unable to have our say, it can be distressing. At the same time, I think it would help you to remember the context; this didn't come out of thin air in the relationship. I think it's helpful to review that.

... .
She started objecting to that (i know it kicked up abandonment issues) but i said it just doesn't sound like we're on the same page and i'm too tired to do this right now. 

You expressed how you felt.

... .
Lets talk tomorrow.   

You suggested to discuss at a time you're feeling better.

She not only wouldn't let me off the phone but started in with more devaluing and projecting.  So i just put a stop to it and said, "i'm hanging up now.  I'm getting off the phone.  goodnight."  And i ended the call.   

You acted to get something you want.

So we're here to help and it's been difficult in this relationship with that person. Would you do anything differently if you were faced with the same situation on such a call in the future?

[truthbeknown]

Good on you for seeing that you reacted. I think recognising that point is important if you want to do yourself a better one in this kind of situation.
Sometimes when we don't feel we're unable to have our say, it can be distressing. At the same time, I think it would help you to remember the context; this didn't come out of thin air in the relationship. I think it's helpful to review that.
You expressed how you felt.
You suggested to discuss at a time you're feeling better.
You acted to get something you want.

So we're here to help and it's been difficult in this relationship with that person. Would you do anything differently if you were faced with the same situation on such a call in the future?

maybe.  One thing i could have done is "grey rock" her when she picked the fight rather then fighting with her.  Until recently this was one of the only relationships where i felt that i was able to allow my voice to be heard.  In other words, as much as it is a conflict r/s when things break down like this, there is a part of me that says, "at least i can express my emotions with her".   So i am not sure if this is a healthy dynamic but after being in a relationship with someone for 20 years who would NOT allow for a disagreement/conversation or argument about different topics and then if i pushed it she would make herself sick and play the victim role (when we finalized the divorce she became suicidal) I think that it seems like perhaps there is some perceived value that my subconscious sees in being able to express my emotions without worrying about her hurting herself.   However, the roller coaster ride of chaos or chaotic behavior can be quite overwhelming.   It seems like she responds to the drama of her behavior and of fighting with people whereas i don't really feel good about it.  I don't get a high off if it in other words but I feel scared about losing another relationship. 

Last night I saw that she had sent an email to an alternative email address that i had.  Not really sure why she did that but i did reply telling her that in order for her to do her part in repairing (or trying to) repair the friendship was for her to be able to look at her part.  I said if she was unwilling to do that then i was not interested in continuing this friendship because it would be too one-sided and unhealthy for me.   She replied later that she was sorry but said that she still feels if i want to remain in contact then i should reach out to her.  I think (intuitively and based on what i know about her) that she is still looking at us as a romantic partnership and that the man should reach out to the woman- that's her belief).  I have tried to say in the past and will reiterate that friendships are two way streets and even in a modern day heterosexual relationship I believe in equanimity of communication.  In other words I don't believe one person should "carry" all the weight of communication in a relationship.  I'm in the classic "power struggle" and i find myself putting up conditions to counter her one sidedness.  For example, i say, "call me when you're ready to see your part in this."  Then she replies with sorry but then counters with "you call me".   How can i get out of the power struggle with her?  or is this type of relationship just characterized by power struggles that will not change unless she is willing to learn how to regulate her emotions more?  How does one teach somebody to do that?   I think she wants me as a romantic partner and thus the friendship boundary is very iffy.  Am I doing her harm by trying to be her friend? should i just let her go so that she'll move on and find someone new?  And yet i just got out of a romantic relationship with a different woman that cheated on me and had no problem moving on.  So there is part of me that is afraid to let go.  Gosh i'm conflicted, and i appreciate the feedback and help with seeing what i am doing or not doing in this situation.   Thanks.

[gotbushels]

One thing i could have done is "grey rock" her when she picked the fight rather then fighting with her.

I'm not sure what this is. Embellish?

I don't get a high off if it in other words but I feel scared about losing another relationship. 

Good find.

I think she wants me as a romantic partner and thus the friendship boundary is very iffy.

Rather than have this person decide on the future of the relationship, in addition to that--it might help you to be know what you want. What do you want--a friendship or a relationship? I ask that because I think that'll lead you to some answers for yourself about your other questions.

Do you have a T to support you right now?