I feel sorry for ex because she has no idea

[Mutt]

When I saw my ex in the waiting area for family court yesterday I felt deep sadness and sympathy for her. I saw her as a person and not symptoms or disorder(s). I see her as someone that has absolutely no idea about herself and what she does to the people around her, including herself. Long story short I got 50/50 interim order , the rest of the story here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=217238.0 and she was crying outside of the courtroom after. I had asked what was wrong and realized I'm probably triggering her, so it was best to leave her alone. Again I felt sadness for her, due to the fact that it's going to be a series of relationships that aren't going to work and it may lose a lot more along the way. At the same time she made is sound like she had done things quickly in the last few days to appease me, but the fact of the matter is, this took an entire year to get an agreement and I'm not exactly grateful for that.

Has anyone felt the same about their ex? Seeing them in the oblivious state that they live in and feeling sorry for them? Knowing that your not going to take this person back. I'm assuming that it takes time for these feelings to subside. We did have a long history together that abruptly ended with no closure, I've set up boundaries with her but I'm human after all and I feel sad for her.

[strikeforce]

Yeah there were times when it would hit me that she was a little lost girl in a world that was different to the rest of us.

That she would push away every decent person and that she would probably end up losing everything, no real sense of herself until the day she leaves this earth.

Yeah it makes me sad.

[RecycledNoMore]

Its a hard thing, to feel sorry for people who have treated and used you so badly.I can relate to how you feel Mutt.The ex spent alot of time in court for dv charges, I went to every appearance, just to be able to see him,he was held in custody so for months we had very little contact.He would be standing in the dock, staring at me, trying to smile, desperate to reach out, every time hed leave hed cry out to me " I love you my babe", his voice would crack, it was the only time in 8 yrs I had ever seen him close to tears.I feel even sorryer for him now, because I know the life that BPD will bring him,failed relationships,  chaos,endless drama and running away to do it all again.

Its a different sorrow now though for me, it has a slight edge, it is tempered caution,because I know if I get swallowed up in feeling sorry for him, I could easily start to forget about me, and I cant, I just cant do that amymore

How bout you Mutt, how are you holding up after your interaction with her?

[Mutt]

How bout you Mutt, how are you holding up after your interaction with her?

I'm feeling good due to the fact that I get a piece of my life back with the kids. Seeing them for 4 days out of the month for nearly a year when I was with my family for 8 years was really hard. The kids are small and I'm glad that dad went to bat for them knowing how devastating and ugly it's going to get with her if I had not done anything. I feel proud of myself to be able to have what strength that I had during this break-up and separation to get this done. It's a small victory and I certainly don't feel like it's going to be smooth sailing from here, but being with my kids gives me strength and it makes me whole again. I'm happy to be a dad now and eventually life will move on and I'll find someone else and not this roller-coaster I lived for 8 years. Yesterday was the most productive day that I've had with her since separation and she treated me with decency when I talked to her for a minute before court. Seeing her cry tugged at me, but the reality of it is, she put herself in this position and not me.

[toomanytears]

Yes I feel desperately sad for my BPDh. He's alone and lonely. He is just communicating with our kids via text and the occasional meeting. Christmas must have been awful. He spent the day with his aged parents and his very dysfunctional, alcoholic brother (whose wife recently left him). First time in... . 31 years without me and 26 years without our lovely children. It must have felt like life going backwards. I tried not to think about it because it hurt so much. Almost everything will be reinforcing his feelings of abandonment. He hasn't been in touch with any of our friends as far as I know. Like you Mutt, I know I'll be OK in the end. But I don't think he will.

[love4meNOTu]

Hi Mutt-

Yes and no... . about the "feeling sorry" bit.

Mine put on an act the day of court as well. He likes to play victim, I'm not sure why, I don't think it's attractive.

But when I saw him, he looked like a broken man. He already had another woman in his life at that point, so I don't know why he acted as he did. Sometimes he feels sorry for himself, like we all do.

I feel sorry for me, but happy at the same time, because I am free.

Wouldn't it be nice to just feel ONE way and STAY that way.

Guess we aren't robots like we'd like to be.

L

[love4meNOTu]

And that... my dear Mutt, is what matters.

Whatever her reasons, you have your little ones.

Blessings,

L

[RecycledNoMore]

Im glad your ok , you sound good, determined to provide a safe harbour for your children, I agree thats what its about in the end, the kids.

[Mutt]

And that... my dear Mutt, is what matters.

Whatever her reasons, you have your little ones.

Blessings,

L

Im glad your ok , you sound good, determined to provide a safe harbour for your children, I agree thats what its about in the end, the kids.

I was going through some old emails a few weeks ago for my L and came across some when she was threatening me with the divorce. These are e-mails from almost 2 years ago.

My message was the same and consistent throughout and I told her that I will get custody or 50/50 with the kids.

I followed through with those words.

That feels good.  

I hope the replacement was worth it 

[MrConfused]

That she would push away every decent person and that she would probably end up losing everything, no real sense of herself until the day she leaves this earth.

Yeah... that's it for me. As I'm detaching I just feel this now. Sadness. I know she's put numerous people on this roller-coaster before & will probably do so forever.

She pulls in people in so close only to push them away cruelly out of the fear of being hurt again... . then pulls them back in.

Yet by doing so she ends up hurting herself anyway as she eventually finds an excuse to paint them black. She doesn't understand why it keeps happening to her.

[partyhat]

Sorry to but in here but I relate to your stories I too feel very sad for my ex as I know she is shell of a person and doesnt really know or understand what she does. I am protecting myself and know that I cant get drawn into the cycle but it doesnt stop you feeling very very sad for them knowing she will repeat the same thing again and again.

[seeking balance]

Has anyone felt the same about their ex? Seeing them in the oblivious state that they live in and feeling sorry for them? Knowing that your not going to take this person back. I'm assuming that it takes time for these feelings to subside. We did have a long history together that abruptly ended with no closure, I've set up boundaries with her but I'm human after all and I feel sad for her.

Yes, I had several times when I felt bad for my ex - we are human and seeing someone we love hurt and lost; yet know there is nothing we can do differently is hard at times.  This is all very sad when it is broken down to the basic level.

Take good care of you.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, I feel sorry for her, made me want to kick her parent's ass when I was in it.  She could function pretty well in the little world she'd created for herself, but go outside of that and she had absolutely no clue; it's hard to fathom how someone can spend over 4 decades on the planet and have as little a clue as she does about how the world works, but to me that was just another window into the disorder and how far removed from what we call reality she is.

Short lived though.  A minute spent remembering how much her dysfunctional coping tools hurt people and she doesn't seem to care, or more accurately isn't aware of the damage she does, and any sympathy goes out the window.

[Hidden Dragon]

Hi,

I feel, felt and will feel sorry for her. For me, a care giving person (not healthy way) it was a crutch for a long, long time.

It actually was a tool of her while we were in r/s. Of course I didn`t know about the BPD part, but I was sorry for everything else (you can imagine that there was enough drama in her life to be sorry about) and she used it.

Then I was sorry about her BPD - and again - I had to stay, I had to help. Who else can help than I... .  

Now I am thankful for this feeling. I understand her condition, I understand that what she did was unintentional. I saw her trying, we recycled many times and I know she was trying. Not important if she `loved` me or not, but she was trying to rescue herself.

She did n`t  succeed in anything important in her life, just wasted it all - such a cute person with such possibilities!

The `sorry` feeling makes my life easer now. It finally is no trigger for me as a care giving person.

It would be so harsh and destructive for me to hate her instead (I do not), `b/c she did all the things to me` like it was on first or second ( ) recycle.

PS b/c of my caregiving trait I recently and finally learned to feel sorry for ME and now I take care of myself!