The Arc of Our Recovery

[bb12]

I'm keen to understand the shape of your recovery

I am 2 years out of my BPD r/ship and was discarded with silent treatment. So extreme was my confusion and the pull for answers that I sought therapy for that first year and came to understand how it only hurt so much because it confirmed a belief held about my own lovability. Been a fantastic path since then and I am still learning new things about myself, friendships, patterns that are improving my life exponentially.

Yet, every now and again I can have a day where I shake my head in disbelief... . that someone loved me so deeply one moment and iced me the next. That someone was so open and communicative on the Sunday and could shut me out forever on the Monday - and never cave. Never make contact again.

The biggest single factor in my recover, sadly, has been time. I'd love to say it was something else.

And in that first 12 months, the pull for closure, dialogue caused me to attempt a phone call every couple of months and then feel ashamed from breaking NC and giving him supply.

Has your recovery gone in waves?

What was the single biggest thing that helped you... . time or some other epiphany?

Any of you a long time out and still have weak days? Ruminating days?

I'd love to understand the arc of your recoveries and to see how it compares to mine



bb12

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi bb-

What a long strange trip it's been.  I left her about a year and a half ago, because I ran out of options and was literally going insane.  The first 6 months I drank a lot, thought about her constantly, couldn't focus, couldn't sit still, dove into work to escape.  After that I got very, very angry, first at her, as I kept remembering sht she pulled and I was too lost in it to respond the way I would have liked, then angry at people who had nothing to do with her, old slights, just everything.  After a few months of that I got depressed, didn't really know I was depressed, just listless and not really caring about anything.  Then I got physically sick for a couple of months, felt like the flu a little, no energy, aches and pains, and it wouldn't go away.  Then a couple of months of what I'm calling acceptance; I don't think about her much, in fact it's rare, the anger has subsided, I find myself looking forward mostly instead of back, know what I have to do and where I'm going, my head is clearing, just today I was thinking I've grown up a bunch.

So I agree, time has been the biggest factor.  I've done plenty of work on myself, since long before I met her, and I know what it is to get caught or stuck in disempowering beliefs, and I know why I'm drawn to self destructive behaviors, and that knowledge has largely kept me from them, although the whole borderline pathology really threw me for a loop, tested everything I thought I knew.  And no, it's not linear; I had a dream about her the other night, first time in a long time, I woke up thinking about her, and it lasted the whole day, surprising how fresh things were, but that passed, and now I'm back to the future.

The other biggest factor has been the realization that I'm a classic people pleaser, always putting other people's needs ahead of my own, and the gift that I got from my borderline 'experience' is she was the one who finally pushed it too far.  Putting other people first and not standing up for myself leaves me with resentments, the core of all the anger I've experienced in the last year, and I choose to believe that's purged now, but I've somewhat overshot the goal lately.  I don't put up with sht from anyone lately, plenty of people have gotten and earful, which is growth, aggressive is better than passive, but assertive is better than both, and I'm not quite there yet, but I'll settle for growth for now.

Good topic, thanks for this.

[bb12]

And no, it's not linear; I had a dream about her the other night, first time in a long time, I woke up thinking about her, and it lasted the whole day, surprising how fresh things were, but that passed, and now I'm back to the future.

Putting other people first and not standing up for myself leaves me with resentments

I've somewhat overshot the goal lately.  I don't put up with sht from anyone lately, plenty of people have gotten and earful

Aggressive is better than passive, but assertive is better than both

Wow! Fantastic response fromheeltoheal

I can relate to so much of that. I have a one strike policy with drama now. I just go 'Meh!' and walk away. I need to review that for fear of abandoning ALL of my friendships. LOL. I also fear I am copying my ex... . being dismissive to a level nearing cruelty. Need to find the middle ground when conflict arises. But the pendulum needs to swing both ways before coming to rest in the middle, so I am fairly sure my (over) reactions are normal... . considering.

I related to all of your post except the anger bit. I think my codependency was so severe as to block 'negative' emotions like anger. Served me in childhood but not now. Need to allow myself to feel angry and for that to be ok. I definitely feel resentment when burned out from all my pleasing and fixing and when I get little back, but strangely no anger.

Thanks for your post.

Bb12

[fromheeltoheal]

I have a one strike policy with drama now. I just go 'Meh!' and walk away. I need to review that for fear of abandoning ALL of my friendships. LOL. I also fear I am copying my ex... . being dismissive to a level nearing cruelty. Need to find the middle ground when conflict arises. But the pendulum needs to swing both ways before coming to rest in the middle, so I am fairly sure my (over) reactions are normal... . considering.

I got a quote off Facebook, of all places, from a guy named Jeff Brown, that is really speaking to my relationships with people lately:

"Friends fell away as I individuated on my soul’s journey. As I shed one self-sense, I no longer identified with the people attached to it. Old ways of interacting seemed artificial, scripted, silly. Whereas before it was fine to hang out and waste time, now there was no time to lose. Now I had to protect my sacred purpose from connections that undermined it.  Be prepared for the lonely times on the journey. It can be very isolating to quest for true-path amid the trumpets of modern life. Walking through uncharted territory often means walking alone. This is particularly true in the transition stages before we find our consciousness soulpod. It’s like primary school all over again— who will be my first REAL friends?"

[Perfidy]

bb12, hi. I'll share. I'm almost ten months out. Kind of a similar story. Just "poof"... . She was gone.

Set me into shock. There were other factors that contributed but her leaving was what set my grief in motion. "Iced"... . Perfect description.

Time has helped. Counseling helps. Meditation, exercise, eating good and resting good also help. Just taking care of myself in general. My counselor showed me how to express gratitude. Being thankful for the things that keep me alive shows me that I have reasons to be happy. We work on replacing negative feelings with positive. I am learning about past, present and future. How to stay in the now with hope for the future while allowing the past to remain in the past.

NOTHING makes the rumination go away completely. Like you, I have good days and bad days. I like to think positive so I will say good days and better days. The bad days are over. "Weak"... . another accurate term. Strength will be the goal.

Now the hard part. Questions. Question how lovable you are... . What devastating force brings us to this? We question our worth to the universe, and I for one, struggled for my very will to live. Questions... yes, and more questions. I can say with a large amount of certainty, from talking with my counselor, that I am grieving. Now, as I understand grief, it isn't resolved until there is acceptance and once we are in full acceptance we can move on to indifference. We ask the questions because we want the truth. Because our dysfunctional partners deceived us so much we don't really even know what the truth was. We want to be honest with ourselves. We want to know exactly what it is that we have to grieve and accept. We examine the relationship in microscopic detail looking to see what we could have done to make it different, to make it work. We are looking for truth where there is none. The only truth we can arrive at is that it is over.

Can you accept that it's over?

[seeking balance]

3 years out; 2 years since the divorce.  Just after the divorce I had a random health issue that was kinda serious then about 6 months after that lost my job... . so - a lot has happened  

I went through shock for the first year to be honest.  I was just trying to get through the divorce in a sane way.  I practiced yoga, exercised, meditated, read, therapy - you name it, I did it.  Anger and pain were a constant.

The second year I tried dating and getting my life sort of back.  Had a healthy issue that lead me to gratitude, but kinda depressed on the "alone" thing.  Then found out my ex had a baby with the person she cheated on me with.  That put me into a dark place honestly.  Losing my job was the last "tie" of my old world, but I had such little reserves that I honestly just kept going.  :)epressed, but really really practiced radical acceptance and being in the moment.  

Over all, I did the little things - the things I talk about here.  I learned how to be alone, tolerate lonely, go meet new people, go on dates, be ok breaking up with someone, learned how to accept my foo as it is and my world is good... . peaceful.

My life is quite different - new job, friends ... . I still exercise, gratitude list, etc.  I don't feel out of balance and I have a strength and peace that I never had before.  Anger is no longer my "go to" emotion.  I am able to let people be who they are... . I don't need to change them, but I also learned to trust based on actions and not words.

I don't feel much of anything when I think of my ex - she crosses my mind randomly as we shared a lot over the years.  I don't want to see her and I have not.  I have had a couple weird things where she looked me up on LinkedIn and such - it annoyed me, but was gone in a day or so... . didn't even feel the need to post about it.

I have been thinking a lot about my trajectory with the new year, so glad you posted this.  For the first time, I can say that I am good - I mean really good... . nothing high, nothing low... . just good.  I have my goals that are not tied to someone else for the first time in my life - scary but exciting.

Time and tears - it is what I preach and practice and for me has done wonders.

Thanks for giving me this opportunity to share BB12.

Peace,

SB