After the Storm: What Next?

[Depression = 72% of members]

The storm has passed.

How do I make the most of this time where he is a little remorseful (he apologized)? Leave it alone, or is this an opportunity to reinforce some boundaries/clarify what was not ok about the past weeks?

Total newbie (to trying to make it work) trying to undo 10 years of the same patterns. I've been reading through the tools as much as I can but not always sure when to apply what. TIA for any input.

[PacifistMom]

The storm has passed.

How do I make the most of this time where he is a little remorseful (he apologized)? Leave it alone, or is this an opportunity to reinforce some boundaries/clarify what was not ok about the past weeks?

Total newbie (to trying to make it work) trying to undo 10 years of the same patterns. I've been reading through the tools as much as I can but not always sure when to apply what. TIA for any input.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

leave it alone. learn the lessons here so when it starts back up, you can deflect it.

I am not sure you can successfully address him on the antics over the past few weeks. Likely it will set him off again.

I asked pretty much the same question and have come to the conclusion that anything I say about the thing mine did will make it worse.

[Seneca]

enjoy the ride. leave the boundaries for in the moment crises.

i got 8 days this last time... . which is longer than average. i call the start of the dsyregulation," the spiral". because thats what it seems like... . spiraling out of control, and away from me. the turns get wider and wider, faster as he goes out. it is a small thing that starts it, and it becomes a tornado. when the spinning stops (ending in an explosion) and he comes back to me from that place he was, i just try to enjoy it before he drifts away again.

[PacifistMom]

Great way to explain it Seneca. A tornado, a cyclone, a rabid cycle ... .

Went from lovey sweet texts all day today and yesterday to it-always-seems-like-the-grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side-you-dont-know-what-youve-got-til-its-gone simply because I said I wasn't worried about his friend [who is staying with us at present] finding himself supper, that I know he is self-sufficient enough to figure out dinner. UGH CAN I NEVER BITE MY TONGUE !

And so I've figured out that this whole episode has been COMPLETELY about his own best friend, who HE invited to stay with us. Because he tidies up after himself and cooks and stuff, and he likes movies as I do. This is a nightmare for me because hubs doesn't bother himself with those things so now of course he is mad at me because he thinks I'm going to leave him for his bestie.

Conclusion:

Never say anything good about anyone (will feel like a threat to him)

Never say anything bad about anyone (will become ammunition either against me or them later on)

It might be easiest to never say anything in general about anyone - but this too will cause harm because he won't know things that are going on with people and then that will show that I don't care about him and will embarrass him for not being in the know.

And, new rule: No more houseguests. There hasn't been a single time, ever, that we have had company and no blowout. Even last time a female friend of his stayed he believed she was crushing on me and he was in a rotten mood by the end of the week (or maybe two weeks? I forget, blocked out I suppose).

Feeling a little discouraged today but trying to keep him in the positive space. He told me clearly it's nice to hear positive things from the one you love not always how great someone else is ... . I am so exhausted from this last spinout I just have nothing good to say today. How am I supposed to find that energy?

[adrianab]

I've found that there is no logic to it. Don't try to make sense of it. Be yourself - that's who they fell in love with in the first place, don't twist yourself in a knot trying to accommodate for it. When they are in that state of mind, nothing you say or do will be the right thing, they will always find something to pick a fight about. If you surrender and retreat, they will push harder. So make your point and stand your ground, be firm but kind and then give them space to blow up alone if they do. Make sure they know your not hanging around to be treated badly, and you will be there for them when they decide to behave. It is exhausting when you over think it, and remember its not a competition. There are only winners and losers if you turn it into one, and we will always end up the losers because they aren't able to play fair. Just remember it is never your fault. I try to use the words "that's not real", with some success when I'm accused of something that really isn't. When they have calmed down and start to think rationally they will be able to accept your point, but most often they will probably feel guilty and just pretend it never happened so leave it like that, never try to dig up the past, especially as they are great at having a selective memory. Live in the present, and remember every day is a new day.

Hang in there, its a marathon and not a sprint. Pace yourself and enjoy the good days.

[PacifistMom]

Oh.my.gosh.

Here we go again. Spiral begins. This time money, one of our faves. I'm expected to manage it and when he gets inclined to log into our online banking he flips on whatever, despite him being the bigger spender.

God give me grace. Months like this have me considering switching boards

Thank you all for listening

[PacifistMom]

Adrianab thanks for that link. I think I came across it when I first started investigating what the heck was going on, maybe a year ago. I need to read it again ... . When I'm not so darn exhausted. He seems to enjoy picking fights when i haven't slept well and can't think