BPD wife improving with DBT, but now she thinks she wants to leaving me

[ADecadeLost]

I find myself in a strange place recently.  Twelve months into DBT my BPD wife has shown signs of improvement, but as an unforeseen consequence seems to be contemplating divorce.  She is not using talk of divorce as any type of threat/retaliation or during escalating arguments (there really haven't been many these last couple months), just calmly brings it up with a tinge of sadness in her voice every few days.

She is with family for now (a pre-planned holiday visit with me flying out in another week), and I'm just at a loss.  After a decade of helping her work through what was eventually diagnosed as BPD, it appears as if she is ready to move on from me right as she gains some control in life.  I recognize part of this has to do with her associating me with too many "bad" memories (she still concentrates on negative memories quite a bit, just maintains emotional control), but am also concerned her therapist has played a large role in this. 

After initially delving into her early childhood (which in conjunction with removing her medication led to the most hellishly emotional month of our relationship), it seems that I've increasingly become a topic of discussion as of late.  More specifically, she has mentioned on more than one occasion that her therapist has not only implied, but outright stated, that she should be concerned with what is "wrong" with me if I have stayed all these years.  And while I have no doubt I qualify as co-dependent at least to a small degree (who among us does not), I am concerned the effect the therapists words are having on this facet of our life.

For now I have convinced her to think it through and at least seek MC before making any rash decisions.  She has agreed to do this much, but I'm not sure if it will do any good.  I hope it will, but until she makes a decision just find myself in a state of limbo.  So close to things improving, yet so close to things ending.

Guess time will tell.

LH09

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[momtara]

Ok, first off, some of these things she is saying just sound like typical BPD.

First of all, pwBPD often claim their therapists said things their therapists do not.  The pwBPD will either make it up, or twist it.  SO you don't know what the therapist really said.  Do you have a chance to ask the therapist?

A good therapist will be encouraging her not to see things as so black and white, and also having her take responsibility - not focusing on your FLAWS or what's "wrong" with you.  It may have come up, the question of why you have stayed, but a therapist wouldn't phrase it as something wrong with you.  That's a BPD version of it.  And it is resonating with you because you're codependent or think you are codependent. 

Maybe she is bringing up divorce in a 'sad' way because she feels guilty about you hanging in there so long.  That's a lot of guilt to have.  Maybe she thinks she owes you now.  Maybe she doesn't want to be a burden or be in a relationship where she has to be reminded of how sick she is and how you were an angel all through it.  That doesn't mean she really wants to leave.  She may be testing you to see if you will beg for her to stay.  She is not cured - these things all sound like things related to her BPD.

I would suggest you think of a clever way to approach her therapist or continue trying to bring this to counseling.  And be supporive of your wife and stress how much she means to you.

[ADecadeLost]

I agree that some does sound like BPD behavior.  However, this is quite different than the decades worth of break up/make up attempts that I have experienced.  It is not really a draw for attention as much as her believe she is better off alone.  Though I do believe that a portion could be guilt driven as you state.

Regarding her therapists comments, both language barrier and BPD suffers tendency to twist words likely is at play.  This is, however, a new concept that has arisen since therapy and not something that was in play in her thinking prior to then.

And by no means do I assume she is cured.  I used the term "improvement" as that is the best way to describe it.  The gray area is beginning to work it's way into her thought process and the emotional roller coaster has stabilized significantly in recent months.  There are still the occasional episodes and times when her world turns black & white.  They are just fewer and further between than they were prior to 12 months ago.

In any case, I find myself in a wait and see mode for the time being.  Hopefully it is not too prolonged.

LH09

[momtara]

You have probably been in wait and see mode all your life.  She may be doing some more push/pull now.  It is not easy.  Hang in there.  

[hergestridge]

Possible scenario:

Your wife tells her T what an ___hol you are.

The T says "Why don't you leave him then?"

You wife thinks "My T tells me to leave my man!"

This has happened to me once... .

If my wife would leave me I would actually see  that as quite healthy. Her problem is being clingy with people she treats badly. That is the real problem.

[an0ught]

Hi Lovinghusband09,

And by no means do I assume she is cured.  I used the term "improvement" as that is the best way to describe it.  The gray area is beginning to work it's way into her thought process and the emotional roller coaster has stabilized significantly in recent months.  There are still the occasional episodes and times when her world turns black & white.  They are just fewer and further between than they were prior to 12 months ago.

It is good to hear that your wife has stabilized to some degree through DBT  .

Her calming down now certainly means the relationship must change that much is true. How one goes about such a change is of course a bit another matter. Not much you can do about it. You can validate her to figure out where she stands and maintain the link you have with her. It may be also time to ponder where you would like to take your life and possibly this relationship in the future. Dealing with the loss of drama in your life is a big change for you too.

[ADecadeLost]

Thank you for all the replies.  I think next week's visit may be pretty telling regarding the direction of things.  For the time being, I am just telling her to think things through and that she has my support.

She of course has taken issue with my potential candidates for a new secretary, so not everything has changed. 

Thanks again for the replies, and I'll probably post an update after making it down to her family's place next week.

LH09