Bad Influences

[kft]

When I found all this info on BPD it was a real eye-opening moment. For months I had been trying to figure out what was going on in my friend's head. Sometimes he would come in to work and be super sweet and thoughtful, sometimes he would push everyone away and talk hit about people behind their backs. He frequently threw temper tantrums. When confronted about something he would change his story, adding elements that "explained away" inconsistencies or criticisms but also made him seem manipulative and a liar.

Anyway, all this I've made peace with pretty easily. My older brother was an extremely violent aspie, so once I realized that pwBPD wasn't simply a massive ass, that there was actually something wrong, I knew how to handle it from past experience.

What I don't know how to handle is HIS "FRIENDS". You see, we work in an industry where drinking and partying are so pervasive it puts Don Draper to shame. As a result my pwBPD has surrounded himself with people who goad him into making a fool of himself, talk hit about him behind his back, spread career damaging rumors about him for fun, encourage financial irresponsibility, etc.

Worst of all is that at the center of this is his gf, who always seems to be standing right next to the person talking hit and spreading rumors. If not outright encouraging it she is at the very least sending a clear message that this sort of thing is okay by saying nothing and doing nothing as it goes on right in front of her with people that she encourages him to hangout with.

Despite my obvious outrage, I do understand why this is happening. Many of these people are incredibly insecure. When pwBPD splits them, they take it personally and lash out by doing this. But at the same time it KILLS ME to watch it, because pwBPD knows there is something wrong with him mentally and is struggling to find a way to get better. We've had conversations about mental illness before and I believe that he will eventually come around and seek help. I'm just not sure how far down he has to go before he does that. Every time these people get involved it plays into his self-hating cycle.

Before I found out about BPD I tried telling him the truth about what was going on, now I realize that's counterproductive. He just assumes it's his fault.

I've tried introducing him to new people who won't use him that way. No good. I've read that BPD seek out abusive relationships, I suppose that's what it is.

Various people have tried to get him into AA. He absolutely won't consider it. Vows to give up drinking on his own, works really hard at that... . only to be sabotaged by the "friends" who pressure him to drink again so that they can make fun of him while he's drunk.

Realistically speaking there's nothing I can do about this situation. He has to come to it on his own. But my question is ... . how do *I* handle these people? Because let me tell you, I kind of want to start cracking skulls open. Really I think all of the anger and frustration I feel over BPD's behavior has just been redirected to THEM. But I'm not really sure hating them is going to do me any good in the long run. So what do I do? How do I let go of it?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Realistically speaking there's nothing I can do about this situation. He has to come to it on his own. But my question is ... . how do *I* handle these people? Because let me tell you, I kind of want to start cracking skulls open. Really I think all of the anger and frustration I feel over BPD's behavior has just been redirected to THEM. But I'm not really sure hating them is going to do me any good in the long run. So what do I do? How do I let go of it?

Be careful you dont get wrapped up in the role of rescuer, he chose these friends, and if you could vaporize them he would just collect a bunch more just the same. They are what he wants, they mirror his mind and validate him, even if that is just to put him in victim role.

You can only work on your RS with him. Everything else is out of your control. If you try you will go from being rescuer to persecutor

[kft]

Not really thinking about it in terms of saving him. He's made the decision to continue to trust these people. I'm thinking in terms of me personally. It's a small industry and from time to time I'm going to have to interact with these people. I find it very hard to be polite to them even though I know being rude and obnoxious will only paint them white in his mind and make it less likely that he will get away from them.

More to the point, my complete the utter hatred of these people negatively effects my relationships with others. People don't really understand what's going on, think I'm being petty, judgmental or unreasonably harsh.

Still at the same time I'm not good at hiding my emotions. I really really hate these people. So how do people handle it? When your pwBPD cheats, how do people keep from hating the person he/she cheats with?

[SleepsOnSofa]

Still at the same time I'm not good at hiding my emotions. I really really hate these people. So how do people handle it? When your pwBPD cheats, how do people keep from hating the person he/she cheats with?

How you keep from hating the people your partner cheats with is by realizing the same thing that anyone in a relationship should realize: if someone is going to cheat, they WILL find someone to cheat with. If it's not one person, it will be another. The person they cheated with didn't hurt you, your partner did. Don't hold your partner's partner-in-cheating responsible for the pain that you felt... . they have no responsibility to you. (They do have responsibility to the people in their own lives they may have hurt, but that's not your concern.) The person who hurt you is YOUR partner, not the third party.

That being said, I'm very confused about your relationship with this person. If we are talking about an SO, then you have to decide if you want to put up with these problems, adapt to dealing with them, in your life partner. If you're in it for the long haul, you have to learn techniques to help them remain as calm and untriggered as possible, probably without their knowing it. If it's just a friend or acquaintance, then you have less responsibility, less exposure, and even less control; in that case, decide if this person is worth the stress they cause by being a friend, accept them exactly as they are, and either remain their friend, or walk away.

[kft]

That being said, I'm very confused about your relationship with this person. If we are talking about an SO, then you have to decide if you want to put up with these problems, adapt to dealing with them, in your life partner. If you're in it for the long haul, you have to learn techniques to help them remain as calm and untriggered as possible, probably without their knowing it. If it's just a friend or acquaintance, then you have less responsibility, less exposure, and even less control; in that case, decide if this person is worth the stress they cause by being a friend, accept them exactly as they are, and either remain their friend, or walk away.

Yeah... . that's complicated. He's my business partner. I can limit my exposure to him (which I have) but I cannot walk away from the situation. Even if I was to close or quit the company I would STILL be exposed to this situation because we all work in the same industry and it's small. The only way to walk away would be to completely leave the industry, or move to another city, which is something I don't think is really realistic or viable. I love my job. I have a great professional reputation, a strong network, lots of achievements, influence, etc.

More to the point, our relationship is usually pretty stable. Dealing with him and accepting him is not a problem. Especially now that I understand what is going on. Prior to this I did kick up a fuss based on the decisions he made, but even those conflicts were relatively light on drama. The occasional argument or temper tantrum, blows over in a few hours or a day. I am rarely if ever painted black in his mind.

He seems to be at least somewhat self-aware. I mean, he's told me about his depression, the sudden unexplainable anger. He understands that these feelings are out of whack and that he abuses alcohol to regulate his emotions. So for that reason, while I understand that I need to remove myself from the situation as much as possible for my own sake ... . I'm hesitant to give up so much of what I love to get rid of these people.

The problem with saying I shouldn't be angry at them because the pwBPD is the one hurting me is that... . he really isn't. I'm not mad at him for spending time with them instead of me. I'm mad at them for abusing and taking advantage of him. It's like watching a bunch of people beat up a blind person.

Let me give you an example of what's going on: His gf has this one friend who is constantly nagging pwBPD about going out drinking with him, like two or three times a week, multiple bars. A lot of times pwBPD will say no, but gf and friend will bully him and pressure him into coming out, playing on his fears of abandonment to get him to go along. A couple of months ago I ran into this "friend" at an industry event where he-- in the process of introducing me to someone else-- started laughing about how pwBPD was such a massive alcoholic, how pathetic he was, etc.

The friend does not know about BPD, does not consider the possibility that pwBPD might be sick ... . but bullying someone you think is an alcoholic into going to bars with you when you know they don't want to is still AN ABSOLUTELY AWFUL THING TO DO. And then talking about it at an industry event where it will affect his career and reputation? For real?

I'll be the first person to admit that pwBPD can be hard to deal with when he's dysregulated. I don't have many problems with him because of my past experience with my brother. Even before I knew about BPD I found it pretty easy to just ignore much of the stuff other people find so frustrating.

But even given pwBPD's responsibility in this situation, what they're doing is still unforgivably awful.