Finally I did it. The RCMP (canada) is going to investigate my BPD wife

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Well... . I had to do what I had to do... .   I sent evidence to the appropriate authorities.

    My untreated-BPD wife is now going to get investigated by the RCMP. And then they will view the audio and video content (which is very VERY disturbing whereby she hits me and my son repeatedly). In one video, my son pleads with his mom to stop and leave "us" alone.

    It is time.


This woman is going to face the music that she soo deserves. And her stubborn (and temper-ridden) parents will now wish that they would have "worked with me" when years ago I asked them over and over again to help my wife (their daughter). They are so wealthy, ... . but so narcissistic.

[ogopogodude]

Well... . I had to do what I had to do... .   I sent evidence to the appropriate authorities.

    My untreated-BPD wife is now going to get investigated by the RCMP. And then they will view the audio and video content (which is very VERY disturbing whereby she hits me and my son repeatedly). In one video, my son pleads with his mom to stop and leave "us" alone.

    It is time.


This woman is going to face the music that she soo deserves. And her stubborn (and temper-ridden) parents will now wish that they would have "worked with me" when years ago I asked them over and over again to help my wife (their daughter). They are so wealthy, ... . but so narcissistic.

[livednlearned]

Well... . I had to do what I had to do... .   I sent evidence to the appropriate authorities.

    My untreated-BPD wife is now going to get investigated by the RCMP. And then they will view the audio and video content (which is very VERY disturbing whereby she hits me and my son repeatedly). In one video, my son pleads with his mom to stop and leave "us" alone.

    It is time.


This woman is going to face the music that she soo deserves. And her stubborn (and temper-ridden) parents will now wish that they would have "worked with me" when years ago I asked them over and over again to help my wife (their daughter). They are so wealthy, ... . but so narcissistic.

Hi ogopogodude,

How are your kids doing right now?

[ogopogodude]

My daughter is 16 and 1/2 and she cannot stand her mom at all. (This isn't me trying to convince other forum members here of this but this is just plain truth.)

My daughter said to me in a text "dad, ... i think its time. To use the videos. Just sayin"

My wife won't leave the matrimonial home, ... even though i have a interim sole occupancy order for me to get back in with our teenagers.  My son (14) has some compassion for his mom as if she will get better someday. I have given up on that perspective almost two years ago when i separated from her. (But at times I still go to websites of recovered BPD persons ... . like that "miss green" or something like that... . in other words, i still buy lottery tickets hoping for that big win).

BTW, my wife slashed her left wrist over and over again in front of my son and I when he was only 11 years old and he was screaming "stop mom stop,, why are you doing that?" ... . (as bits of flesh were flying in the air from the serrated steak knife that she pulled from the drawer).

It felt soo good to push "send" button when I contacted the RCMP detachment. I am no longer going to hide the videos, audio clips, letters from neighbours, etc).

It seems like revenge ,... . .and maybe there is a hint of that ... . but I want this woman to face Q's from the authorities so that her life will be stressed out and miserable like she has made mine and my kids.

Justice.

This is what I want. Justice.

How DARE this woman do this to children.  

[ogopogodude]

I actually contacted a criminal defence lawyer that I know casually and I sent an audio clip of her tormenting the children (while I was not there at the home as I had moved out and my daughter audio taped her mom's temper rage episode two years ago).

He replied in an email within minutes  that the content he listened to was  very very disturbing and he asked if the videos that I possess actually shows her assaulting me or the children. I emailed him yes but I am very hesitant to show any one. As I have only showed my therapist (psychologist) and my doctor. This is how I got the diagnosis of BPD of my wife.


I have a meeting with the Corporal of the Domestic Violence Unit of the local RCMP detachment tomorrow at 3:00 pm. I am looking forward to showing the videos. I am bringing Kleenex with me as it makes me weep when I re-live the experience.

[livednlearned]

It seems like revenge ,... . .and maybe there is a hint of that ... . but I want this woman to face Q's from the authorities so that her life will be stressed out and miserable like she has made mine and my kids.

Justice.

This is what I want. Justice.

How DARE this woman do this to children.  

Hey ogopogodude. You and your kids have been through a lot, and it's understandable that you're feeling angry after everything you've witnessed, how abusive your wife has been, how ill she is. It's awful that you all had to witness your wife acting like that, and it will probably take you and your kids a while to heal, even longer for the kids (how horrible for your son to see and experience what his mom did).

But you know that saying: "drinking poison, expecting the other person to die"? That's a danger that many of us face after leaving these relationships, being consumed by anger that just creates a different kind of prison. It's a whole other h3ll that is just as toxic as living with a toxic person. I'm not saying don't be angry, because obviously anger is a normal emotion after what you've experienced, but if it's starting to feel vengeful, then it owns you now.

Some people feel incredibly raw after these relationships end and it's almost like you reconstruct who you are, and there's a normal mourning period, with depression, and grief. For some people, it's anger -- which is usually a secondary emotion that's masking much more difficult feelings that we aren't ready to process.

But you have to process them, otherwise they will infest.

I worry about the vengeance stuff. Not only for you -- these kinds of emotions feel good but all they really do is hold us hostage. But I worry about your kids -- they need you to guide them. You're their role model, the healthy parent who can manage emotions. They need to see at least one parent model the kind of managed emotions that they'll need in order to have healthy intimate relationships in life.

When I left, my anger expressed as anxiety and depression. And my son mirrored those feelings. It was better after we left, not as scary, but we didn't really start to heal until I learned to manage my own emotions so he could learn from me. He's still struggling, so it hasn't been a cakewalk, but leaving N/BPDx was just the beginning of getting better. I had to work hard on my own emotions.

Sorry this probably sounds preachy. I'm just thinking about the two ways we get out of these relationships. One is physical. The other is emotional.

[ogopogodude]

yeah, ... i  have to just put things behind me and look forward to the future. At least I can be happy and relieved that she isn't tormenting my children anymore. They are NOT her children anymore. She does not deserve children. They are finally completely in my care. My teenage kids really want nothing to do with their mom. And THAT is the wonderful. I hope she is feeling like crap …. and soo lonely.  As she is living in a beautiful home all by herself for months and months on end. Without the activity of family members around her. HAH!  That makes me feel so good. (at least for a moment then the Christian upbringing in me wants that feeling to go away). That feeling is like a drug hit. It feels good but then later it doesn't.

   

  Anyways, … The above is not preachy to me at all. It is simply guiding another very hurt person into a direction that is a positive one rather than dwelling on past events. But when I had to show the RCMP the videos of her temper rages that went on for hours, I had to re-live that sh!t all over again. But boy, … I sure am glad I did document her behaviour. The police are now considering laying charges of child abuse (as well as assault on me) on my wife. When I watched those videos and audios of that crazed lunatic the whole time I was thinking "how could I have just stayed there and let her abuse me like that…?". BUT more importantly, ... why did I let her abuse my children like that? THIS IS what I feel guilty about, i suppose. It would have been so satisfying to just give her so many  whacks in the head and choke her to make her stop. I could have easily done so…. I am twice her size. But I didn't . I am non-violent.  But when I watched the videos again two years after they happened… I am mad at myself for seemingly being such a weenie.

    Anyways, … They (RCMP/police) are going to let me know if they are going to relay the situation to the Crown counsel (prosecution). They did say without a doubt she did hit me over and over and it only takes ONE hit to constitute an assault charge. She also was hitting my son over and over with a lanyard of keys on the video.

Anyways, …. Justice will be wonderful. But why does it feel like revenge? Can you tell me  why I get these two emotions at times confused and  interchanged in my mind?

   I was going to post another thread about after the divorce is all over , … I would really like to sue her for the abuse they caused the children (and me). Wrongful something or other, ….

[livednlearned]

Anyways, …. Justice will be wonderful. But why does it feel like revenge? Can you tell me  why I get these two emotions at times confused and  interchanged in my mind?

I don't really think wanting justice and wanting revenge are all that different. It probably just looks different depending on which moral side you stand when you're looking at them.

But I do think they both own you, if that makes sense. Meaning, let's say your goal is to get custody of the kids so that they are in a safe home with a stable parent. That's one thing. Wanting justice or revenge is wanting more than that. Like wanting your wife to suffer. Eye for an eye.

There's probably a lot of psychological stuff going on that has to do with closure. It's hard to get closure with these kinds of relationships. Justice or revenge is maybe a way for you to feel like there can be closure.

Another kind of closure would be to dig into the guilt you feel about not protecting yourself or the kids earlier. That is a much harder emotion to face, because it's you being accountable to you. And lots of us have been hard on ourselves for so long, who wants to start drilling into more bad stuff? That's why I think it's good to feel angry for a while and get that sorted out, get some distance and perspective. And then when you feel some peace and calm and strength, get a therapist to help deal with the guilt. There is closure in doing that kind of work, it's just that most people don't like to go there because the negative feelings can be intense. Justice and revenge might feel good because they are "safer" to feel, I suppose. It's just that it's hard to move on and isn't that the goal?

I think you can see a lot of parallels with BPD sufferers when you examine emotions this way. For many of our ex spouses, the go-to emotion was rage. It was so hard for them to feel the other negative feelings, so we got rage instead. And that worked out badly for everyone.

That's why your kids need you to show them how to process some of these other negative feelings. All they've seen is how your ex handles them, and then your passivity. If you show them anger-driven justice and revenge at this point, where will they learn how to manage some of these other feelings in a healthier way?

I make it sound like I just woke up one day and figured it out, but honestly, this has been the most painful, and the biggest, most important lesson I learned. I wanted to know what it meant to raise an emotionally healthy child, and it all started with me, figuring out what that looked like. The truth is that I had to look at my own deficits and stop focusing on how bad N/BPDx was. That meant getting out of a blame frame.

But you're still going through the early stages of divorce, and everything takes time. We don't heal this stuff overnight, that's for sure. I had an experience here on bpdfamily that made me realize I didn't have a compass -- no idea where I was going with all my forward momentum. I see that happening with you, so wanted to chime in and share with you a compass bearing.

Maybe I'm oversimplifying things, but it sure seems like a lot of our drama could be better handled if we weren't so afraid of experiencing negative emotions. That's the gift I'm trying to give my son. Feeling bad? Yah, that sounds bad. I have felt like that too. Etc.

[ogopogodude]

Thank you.

[livednlearned]

Your comment about justice and revenge really got me thinking.

You already have justice. Your kids want to be with you. If you get full custody, you'll have what's most important. And you demonstrated to your kids how to stand up to a bully, how to walk away from an abusive person. That will stay with them for life.



LnL

[Free One]

Anyways, …. Justice will be wonderful. But why does it feel like revenge? Can you tell me  why I get these two emotions at times confused and  interchanged in my mind?

My guess is because you have been conditioned to feel bad about standing up for yourself. This is not revenge, it is standing up for yourself and for your kids. Good for you for doing that. I'm sure it hasn't been easy to get to this point, but being able to recognize and confront the abuse is a HUGE step in your recovery.

[ogopogodude]

Your comment about justice and revenge really got me thinking.

You already have justice. Your kids want to be with you. If you get full custody, you'll have what's most important. And you demonstrated to your kids how to stand up to a bully, how to walk away from an abusive person. That will stay with them for life.



LnL

My God,… I find coming here to this site getting input like this FAR better than going to my therapist.

And the best thing, … this site is free. When I am more financially secure, … I am soo gonna donate to this website.



(actually, my therapist was soo good but he is retired now, ... so I haven't gone in at least six months).

[ForeverDad]

Ponder too that getting officials to investigate does not mean they'll throw the book at your ex.  Be prepared emotionally in case they defer action or take minimal action.  Just as closure often has to be something we gift ourselves, so too justice may may turn out to be something more about how you deal with whatever happens.

I've been divorced for eight years.  Over three years ago when I was seeking custody one small aspect of her testimony was put on the record as 'not credible'.  I call it court-speak for liar.  Only recently when back in court seeking majority time did the court really comment on her actions.  We were limited to behaviors since 2011 so her many 'unsubstantiated' allegations and other poor behaviors were inadmissible.  But still the court commented on mother's 'disdain' for father, repeatedly commented on mother's 'disparagement' of father.  So the court agreed father should have majority time but still gave mother "one more try" and permitted her to keep equal time during the summer.  Justice?  Yes, but despite the concerns expressed about her, she still has more scheduled time with our son than I had in the temporary orders when we first separated and during the long divorce process.  And... .

All I can say concerning the entire process is that it took a half hour for my then-spouse and now-ex to get temporary custody and majority time (from late 2005 to early 2008).  After we separated it took me over 2 years to get equal time, over 5 years to get sole custody and over 8 years to get majority time.  I don't think that slow process was fair to our child, he was 3 when we entered the system, I just recently got majority time and he's 11.  Two thirds of his life.  And he doesn't even realize how he was impacted.

You'll have to live with whatever amount of justice is served to your ex.  Live by Moving On and being as good a father as you can be.  As has been said here many times, the best revenge - something that IS within your control - is to live a good life.

[ogopogodude]

I agree with all that you have said. I will have to live with what the RCMP Domestic Violence Unit dishes out and the Crown Counsel.

However, … I will have to remind the police that getting the 911 and also non-emergency calls of harassment must be soo draining and pointless and a waste of resources. I will have to convince them based on the videos that they have to at least let her (and her parents who can afford --five times over-- to send her away to a facility for detox'ing and DBT therapy) know that charges may be pressed and further investigated but the crown "may not pursue the issue if there is commitment to therapy".

I am just thinking out loud…

I do know that my wife as well as her family are not well thought of in the community as they have had a few brushes with the law etc, even though they are filthy rich... .