Four years in and out and in and out... and now approaching a year out

[TwoCents]

It was an exhilarating and tragic four years of my life.  Periodically she'd break off our roller coaster of a relationship and the ensuing weeks or months would allow me opportunity to repaint a rose colored memory of her for myself.  In my sentimentality and self-serving craving for her love of me I would crawl back to her.  It became what in retrospect seems tiresome and I obviously failed to recognize many times that I was just never going to make it work.  It's called denial and it's not just a river in Egypt.  That pathology was a powerful force in my life for a time.

Fortunately that same process that would allow me to forget how badly she had treated me and want her back has, with greater application of time, eroded her from being a tangible thing into something more symbolic now.  Like something kept in a museum.  An echo.  A shadow.  A memory.

That perspective of time has also allowed me to see that I valued her for how much she adored me, not how she treated me.  Her telling me how she felt I was a fantastic person became more important than her just maintaining a basic kindness with me.  That was my indulgent, self-centered folly.  I was an ocean of patience with her and that is how I tried to love her unconditionally.  When I fell out of favor with her I always felt a failure for not being patient and accepting enough with her.  In reality I failed by not being patient and accepting enough with myself.

I think I've finally started to run out of steam in the resentment department.  I don't fear or hope any longer that she's happy or sad-- anymore than I'd feel so regarding anyone else.  I'm not curious about her life nor would I feel the need to avoid knowing.  Is she engaged now or otherwise living large?  Whichever, whatever.  Is she badmouthing me still?  Dunno.  Don't care as long as it's not on my front lawn.  I've had plenty of opportunity over the last many months to engage her or contact her and I haven't bothered.  It feels now like there's nothing specific left to say to her or that I would want to hear from her.  I'm fine with the whole thing just being that which happened to her and I.

These days I can run across things associated with her (such as a song on the radio or a photo in my archives) and I don't dwell on it.  The inner conversation is akin to "oh, that's the song that reminds me of her" rather than "oh, that's her song, that witch that did these horrible things to me."  An awareness rather than an emotion.  I am even starting to forget what a day or an evening or a conversation with her was like.  Sometimes I'll try to recall, to see if I can and whether it'll bother me, and increasingly I find myself quickly bored doing so and wandering back to what I was doing or my mind drifts off rather than obsessing.  I've had bad days interspersed with good like any journey will see, but I am increasingly feeling a sense that I've crested the top of the mountain and am heading down the other side.  Fingers crossed that the hardest parts are over.

She was the next lesson life had for me and I stayed there until I learned it.  I am grateful for the time we shared and for what I learned.  It's not so much that the experience is irrelevant or forgotten now, but that there just isn't anything else left there for me to learn or experience.  The mud hole has dried up so it's time for this pig to stop wallowing and mosey on.  I intend to use what I came into this experience knowing and the things I learned there to move forward, find, and embrace what the universe has in store for me next.

Wish me luck and feel free to toss in your two cents.

TwoCents

[Changingman]

Good to hear!

For my two cents, I do not think about my xW at all. Just how it relates to our kids. I know I will get to the same place with where I am now. Hopefully with new insight to my behaviours. This new recovery/discover is only about me. Needed to learn something and move on.

PDs who would have funk it?

It's good to hear TwoCents.

[damage control]

A really beautiful post twocents ... I am envious of where you are ... mine is not so much a memory or echo as a malignant shadow ... I need an exorcism!

[UnLuckyLady]

Exactly how I feel, Damage.  Im extremely happy to hear.that you have become.indifferent to her... . for that I am jealous!  I want to feel the nothingness for him that he feels for me.   You're post proves that can and will happen for all of us at some point.  Just seems so dang far away right now!

And yes... . i would have given up my eyesight just to have him absolutely adore me the way he did.  Now that's really pitiful .

I am so very proud.for you Two Cents

[Cimbaruns]

Two Cents

Beautiful post... . one that when I read it I can so totally relate as if I wrote it myself.

I have yet to fully get to where you are but can relate totally, as I too have finally ended a r/s /marriage that was 4 years of "dancing".

It sounds as if your point of acceptance and realization has settled in to almost a comfortable level... . I think that's amazing and am so happy for you

I hope with time I can think and write something as eloquent as you

Peace

[LilMissSunshine]

A really beautiful post twocents ... I am envious of where you are ...

I totally agree.  I needed to hear a story like yours.  You give me hope, ty.

Oh, and welcome back DC   

[damage control]

Thanks LMS

[LilMissSunshine]

DC, I don't want to hijack this thread but I'm wondering how your doing.  So, when your ready, pls start a new post and let us know?   

[Jayhawk21]

TwoCents,

I'm 3 years on this roller coaster and I know exactly how you feel. In fact yesterday morning I was adored, then the rest of the day hated. Now I'm on ignore.

I give you credit for leaving. I'm having trouble finding the strength.

JH