Ex admits to past bad behavior in detail & reverts to old self in under 10 min

[Mom2aboy]

We're going through a divorce after 10 years of marriage and he was trying to reconcile over the phone. We went back and forth and I kept refusing and finally ended the call. He called back and asked me to just listen and then apologized and then went on to say he knew he had been cruel to me and that he had criticized me excessively when he felt bad about himself and that he took his personal frustrations out on me and that he knew he had serious problems. He even brought up specific examples of his bad behavior from years ago, acknowledged how serious they were and apologized. I didn't back off the divorce but said I thanked him for saying those things and that even though I wouldn't be his wife I would support him in addressing the things he raised and would work with him as a team for our son. He wouldn't respond. I hung up and called him back. He didn't answer so I decided to let it go. He called me back a little later and was back to himself. Told me to let him know when I had gotten a substitute Dad for our son. Apparently he's back to threatening to abandon our son if I go through with the divorce. Sigh.

[love4meNOTu]

Extinction bursts. Sigh.

I had one too, ex and I were divorcing... . I was outside working in the yard. My ex approaches me (he hadn't moved out yet) and asked if he could please talk to me. I said ok, right here is fine.

He proceeded to ask me if I was ok, said he saw a card from the local hospital in my car, and saw a pair of throw away flip flops in the trashcan. He thought I had been to the hospital. I had actually visited a friend in the hospital, and then the next day I had a pedicure, where they give you the throw away flip flops. Sigh.

So it had the opposite effect than the one he intended. He intended to make it seem like he cared about my health, but to me... it was just more of the same. Making conclusions (false ones) after gathering his "evidence" and spying on me.

I had no privacy.

And yea... he reverted back to his old tactics (raging at me) when that one didn't work. He would go back and forth between appearing to care for me and for others, to the rage.

What a rollercoaster.

I sincerely hope you can disengage... I know how tough it is. Can I tell you one thing though, my ex's threats were just that THREATS. He never carried any of them out. I stood up to the bully, and he folded.

Hugs,

L

[Mom2aboy]

Thanks for the wake up call. I felt a lot of compassion for him because he sounded in so much pain when he was talking to me and it was the first time he had seemed to show any genuine self awareness about the things he had done in our marriage. Your response stopped me from writing him and confirming that I would support him if he planned to address his issues. So I did nothing which is the wisest thing. No point in divorce if I continue to be co-dependent. Also hello, he's threatening to abandon our son. I excuse so many of his actions because I know he's just acting out most of the time because he's angry and/or hurt. I don't know if that's right or wrong. I know that I can't wait to be out of this marriage and I know I feel guilty for leaving.

[love4meNOTu]

yea, the threatening to abandon your son says a lot about what he is willing to do to get your attention.

It's like dealing with an emotional 3 year old in an adult body, but that 3 year old can do a lot of harm if you let him. I kept thinking of my boys when I would go back and forth and feel sorry for my ex.

I would remember one of the most painful scenes where my ex was raging at me. Then, in my mind I would replace me with one of my boys. Seeing him rage at someone I loved SO MUCH even if only in my head brought me clarity like never before.

Why was it ok for him to yell at me... but not ok for him to rage at them?

Hmmm? Am I worth nothing?

And that's when I got out, for good.

[santa]

As a guy, I can kind of relate to what he's doing.

Basically, he'll say whatever it takes to get you to do what he wants. If it doesn't work, it ticks him off because the entire charade was for nothing. Then he goes back to being himself.

I'm sure he'll try this again a few more times.

If you think he's joking about abandoning your son though, think again. There's a pretty good possibility of that happening.

[love4meNOTu]

If only we had a crystal ball and could see into the future... .

but fortune telling only works in the movies.

Deal with what you can today mom.

Hugs,

L

[Pretty Woman]

Mom,

   It's all part of the sick dance. Nothing they say means anything. It changes from minute to minute. Him threatening to abandon his own son is sick in itself. It is a manipulation tool he is using to guilt you and keep you under his control.

I am proud you are sticking to your guns. Keep sticking to them. You are doing great. Keep posting if you need encouragement.

We are here.

[Changingman]

Hi Prettywoman,

What kind of man talks about his kid like that, I know! aBPD one. Get out he will have to make his own choice about his kid. You cannot deal with this. No one can, they are what they are.

My Bpd mother has cut her 2 youngest children out of her life, silent. I'm one of them. She drove dad away as well, the other kids have to jostle to be the golden child. This is what BPD looks like, it tastes worst on the inside.

[Pretty Woman]

Changingman,

  My mom and sister are both emeshed and I have been driven out of their lives. None of this made sense til I dated my ex.

Oy. It completely makes sense now.

[Mom2aboy]

Thanks again for the support. My ex has gone full circle and is now accusing me of betraying him because he knows I've shared with my lawyer that he hasn't been contacting our son. Now I'm angry and vengeful (just exhausted and over extended right now) and I've been playing a game with him all this time, etc. he also accused me of putting spyware on all his devices which now in likelihood means they're on some of mine. Think I'll go home and look up BPD for hours.

Yes, the thought of my son being the target of his Dad's rages, manipulation and gas lighting keeps me from even considering going back. The more he uses our son as a pawn, the less I feel for him and yes I wish I could've given myself more weight in our relationship to leave him earlier.