back to teen mom again

[Turkish]

She'll be out officially in a little over a week. Gone traveling for almost four days, so I'll have everything to myself and the kids, which is like an even better break.

She had her usual 1 night/week class, and in the last few weeks, has texted to ask if the kids were ok, even once coming home after work to spend an hour with them before she took off for the class.

Last night, no texts or calls to see if they were ok. D1 was getting over being sick, too. I had trouble getting her to bed. I finally get a text after 9PM, asking about the kids. I had gotten them to bed a while before that. I updated her, no more fever, etc... . D1 grouchy. D1 had actually gotten up and wandered around the house looking for her mom. Went to check the couch (mommy's bed). Nothing. I got her back down. Slept in the kids' room on the extra bed. S4 awakes coughing, and he had a slight fever. Their mom texted me again and asked how they were. I updated her. She said she'd be home in 40 mins. Almost 2 hours later she showed up, close to midnight. Well after the gym closed, which is where she usually goes. Came in the room and awoke me AGAIN to check. I updated her on S4. Then our son wants to lay with me for comfort (I had dosed him with medication to help him sleep and for the fever). Then wanted to go lay in my (big) bed. So we ended up in there where he had a fitful, but finally restful sleep.

I guess she justifies this since she is spending all day with them today. And I guess this is how it will be, taking care of the kids by ourselves (I have no problem with it, that's my duty, and even losing sleep, it's my job), but I would have never stayed out that late knowing at least one kid was still sick. That's just me. Lower my expectations to release the anger and disappointment. No matter how great she paints herself as a mom on social media, or to her friends (or to her family), I know the truth. She can be... . and sometimes she is, but she cycles back to her selfishness, and I feel like I am the only one who sees it.

This is her, as it will ever be. I need to accept it and protect the kids accordingly for the inevitable cycles.

[seeking balance]

She'll be out officially in a little over a week.

Hang in there Turkish - your boundaries will be much easier to enforce once you are not living together.  Keep practicing the communication tools so you will naturally use them once she is out of the house and the dynamics are able to be different.

[Ironmanrises]

She'll be out officially in a little over a week. Gone traveling for almost four days, so I'll have everything to myself and the kids, which is like an even better break.

She had her usual 1 night/week class, and in the last few weeks, has texted to ask if the kids were ok, even once coming home after work to spend an hour with them before she took off for the class.

Last night, no texts or calls to see if they were ok. D1 was getting over being sick, too. I had trouble getting her to bed. I finally get a text after 9PM, asking about the kids. I had gotten them to bed a while before that. I updated her, no more fever, etc... . D1 grouchy. D1 had actually gotten up and wandered around the house looking for her mom. Went to check the couch (mommy's bed). Nothing. I got her back down. Slept in the kids' room on the extra bed. S4 awakes coughing, and he had a slight fever. Their mom texted me again and asked how they were. I updated her. She said she'd be home in 40 mins. Almost 2 hours later she showed up, close to midnight. Well after the gym closed, which is where she usually goes. Came in the room and awoke me AGAIN to check. I updated her on S4. Then our son wants to lay with me for comfort (I had dosed him with medication to help him sleep and for the fever). Then wanted to go lay in my (big) bed. So we ended up in there where he had a fitful, but finally restful sleep.

I guess she justifies this since she is spending all day with them today. And I guess this is how it will be, taking care of the kids by ourselves (I have no problem with it, that's my duty, and even losing sleep, it's my job), but I would have never stayed out that late knowing at least one kid was still sick. That's just me. Lower my expectations to release the anger and disappointment. No matter how great she paints herself as a mom on social media, or to her friends (or to her family), I know the truth. She can be... . and sometimes she is, but she cycles back to her selfishness, and I feel like I am the only one who sees it.

This is her, as it will ever be. I need to accept it and protect the kids accordingly for the inevitable cycles.

One of the least spoken about topics on this forum, Turkish. The literal fact that the other people around the pwBPD either do not see/cannot see/refuse to connect the dots what we see because BPD is a disorder of intimacy; where the person closest to the pwBPD experiences the entirety of the disorder, only. I often wonder what the difference would be, if those other people saw what we see. Hang in there my friend.

[arn131arn]

She'll be out officially in a little over a week. Gone traveling for almost four days, so I'll have everything to myself and the kids, which is like an even better break.

She had her usual 1 night/week class, and in the last few weeks, has texted to ask if the kids were ok, even once coming home after work to spend an hour with them before she took off for the class.

Last night, no texts or calls to see if they were ok. D1 was getting over being sick, too. I had trouble getting her to bed. I finally get a text after 9PM, asking about the kids. I had gotten them to bed a while before that. I updated her, no more fever, etc... . D1 grouchy. D1 had actually gotten up and wandered around the house looking for her mom. Went to check the couch (mommy's bed). Nothing. I got her back down. Slept in the kids' room on the extra bed. S4 awakes coughing, and he had a slight fever. Their mom texted me again and asked how they were. I updated her. She said she'd be home in 40 mins. Almost 2 hours later she showed up, close to midnight. Well after the gym closed, which is where she usually goes. Came in the room and awoke me AGAIN to check. I updated her on S4. Then our son wants to lay with me for comfort (I had dosed him with medication to help him sleep and for the fever). Then wanted to go lay in my (big) bed. So we ended up in there where he had a fitful, but finally restful sleep.

I guess she justifies this since she is spending all day with them today. And I guess this is how it will be, taking care of the kids by ourselves (I have no problem with it, that's my duty, and even losing sleep, it's my job), but I would have never stayed out that late knowing at least one kid was still sick. That's just me. Lower my expectations to release the anger and disappointment. No matter how great she paints herself as a mom on social media, or to her friends (or to her family), I know the truth. She can be... . and sometimes she is, but she cycles back to her selfishness, and I feel like I am the only one who sees it.

This is her, as it will ever be. I need to accept it and protect the kids accordingly for the inevitable cycles.

Turk,

I know where you are with this.  I just found out that my ex raged on my son and smashed his Kindle Fire to the ground.  He told my sister this.  He said to my sister, "But it's ok, I can still use it.  The screen is cracked; but I can still make it work."

This broke my heart.  I could only imagine the scene.  She was in a hurry to meet with my replacement.  He didn't want to go to his vindictive spiteful, mean, BPD's grandmother's apartment (whee he lives now)... . NO! NO! NO! NOt another night!  So, she raged on him

If I sent you a FB link, Turk, it would be just as you said.  She and him all over it.  The perfect mother.  The overprotective mother.  I wish sometimes that they were still in that unhealthy enmeshment that way he would feel special and not abandoned.

She has alienated him from me, and I KNOW he misses me.  I know I will make it right.  Just gonna take time and money... .

But is there anything that feels better than redemption?

Nah... .

[myself]

I often wonder what the difference would be, if those other people saw what we see.

My ex would project that, saying if others could only see how I was.

I'd say, Ok, let them see. I'm not hiding anything.

Then they'll know what's really going on, you're right.

She'd either rage and leave, or completely change the subject.

The other people who saw it were pushed away or stayed away, without exception.

[Ironmanrises]

I often wonder what the difference would be, if those other people saw what we see.

My ex would project that, saying if others could only see how I was.

I'd say, Ok, let them see. I'm not hiding anything.

Then they'll know what's really going on, you're right.

She'd either rage and leave, or completely change the subject.

The other people who saw it were pushed away or stayed away, without exception.

And the disorder goes on, unhindered in its destructive path.

[santa]

Damn. I thought this thread was going to be about the show Teen Mom. Lol. Love that show. 

I was going to say that I hope Jenelle gets her act together and that Corey and Leah should have stayed together.

[Turkish]

She'll be out officially in a little over a week. Gone traveling for almost four days, so I'll have everything to myself and the kids, which is like an even better break.

She had her usual 1 night/week class, and in the last few weeks, has texted to ask if the kids were ok, even once coming home after work to spend an hour with them before she took off for the class.

Last night, no texts or calls to see if they were ok. D1 was getting over being sick, too. I had trouble getting her to bed. I finally get a text after 9PM, asking about the kids. I had gotten them to bed a while before that. I updated her, no more fever, etc... . D1 grouchy. D1 had actually gotten up and wandered around the house looking for her mom. Went to check the couch (mommy's bed). Nothing. I got her back down. Slept in the kids' room on the extra bed. S4 awakes coughing, and he had a slight fever. Their mom texted me again and asked how they were. I updated her. She said she'd be home in 40 mins. Almost 2 hours later she showed up, close to midnight. Well after the gym closed, which is where she usually goes. Came in the room and awoke me AGAIN to check. I updated her on S4. Then our son wants to lay with me for comfort (I had dosed him with medication to help him sleep and for the fever). Then wanted to go lay in my (big) bed. So we ended up in there where he had a fitful, but finally restful sleep.

I guess she justifies this since she is spending all day with them today. And I guess this is how it will be, taking care of the kids by ourselves (I have no problem with it, that's my duty, and even losing sleep, it's my job), but I would have never stayed out that late knowing at least one kid was still sick. That's just me. Lower my expectations to release the anger and disappointment. No matter how great she paints herself as a mom on social media, or to her friends (or to her family), I know the truth. She can be... . and sometimes she is, but she cycles back to her selfishness, and I feel like I am the only one who sees it.

This is her, as it will ever be. I need to accept it and protect the kids accordingly for the inevitable cycles.

Turk,

I know where you are with this.  I just found out that my ex raged on my son and smashed his Kindle Fire to the ground.  He told my sister this.  He said to my sister, "But it's ok, I can still use it.  The screen is cracked; but I can still make it work."

Oh man... . if the worst he turns out to be is a co-dependent Caretaker like us, trying to soothe his disordered parent by proxy, then things could be worse. Hang there Arn, you'll get more time with him soon.

She has alienated him from me, and I KNOW he misses me.  I know I will make it right.  Just gonna take time and money... .

But is there anything that feels better than redemption?

Nah... .

You WILL make it right, Arn. We're all here to support you, and on the parenting boards (where I'll probably soon split my time). There is so much support out there, and it's great. Believe in yourself and it will happen.

[Turkish]

Damn. I thought this thread was going to be about the show Teen Mom. Lol. Love that show.  

I was going to say that I hope Jenelle gets her act together and that Corey and Leah should have stayed together.

I'll admit I exaggerate calling her "teen mom" like those girls... . but it is a bit similar (what is real was her constantly going out clubbing leaving me home with the kids. Whether they were asleep or not, she belonged home). I couldn't watch it, or Hoarders. Too close to my reality!

[santa]

Damn. I thought this thread was going to be about the show Teen Mom. Lol. Love that show.  

I was going to say that I hope Jenelle gets her act together and that Corey and Leah should have stayed together.

I'll admit I exaggerate calling her "teen mom" like those girls... . but it is a bit similar (what is real was her constantly going out clubbing leaving me home with the kids. Whether they were asleep or not, she belonged home). I couldn't watch it, or Hoarders. Too close to my reality!

LOL

Those chicks are a mess!