He Has Empathy... Possible?

[misssouthernbelle]

Everything I've read said that it's rare for them to empathize with you after telling them that they hurt you in some way. Several times, before really reading on BPD, I've told him how he's hurt me by pushing me away, or blowing me off. A few times he has immediately apologized and said it made him feel worse. Other times, he has tried to guilt trip me by acting like he felt like a bother, then disappearing and reappearing and trying to really push me away, or like two days ago, denying my anger toward catching him and trying to end our conversation, though he said he now felt like could talk to me (I had pissed him off by catching him and he didn't feel like I was better off without him now, so I was not off limits)?

Is it possible for pwBPD to have empathy and really be sorry? Or, is it to appear normal, in a way? He said that when he knew he hurt me, it made him feel worse... . ?

He's been adamant about liking me, but not wanting to hurt me throughout our friendship/more than friends relationship.

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[an0ught]

Hi misssouthernbelle,

yes, pwBPD are able to have emotions like everyone else. When calm they don't want to hurt others etc... All in all they are regular folks.

There are many hurdles which make it hard for a pwBPD to show empathy

- dysregulation - lower brain takes over - fight or flight

- invalidation & twisting preference - instead of expressing the right emotion the opposite emotion is expressed or perceived

- high sensitivity - easily overloaded by emotions and then unable to correctly perceive them

- guilt and shame - blocking expression of regret

the more regulated and the more validating the environment is the more the pwBPD is able to function like everyone else. Sounds like your pwBPD has calmed down and you are not hostile so yes it is possible.

Expecting this to have a major impact on future behavior would be naive. During dysregulation only boundaries are effective. Still it is good sign. Being able to put the last fight fully behind you and letting it go can be helpful as it avoids building up resentment on your side and guilt/shame on his side. Having fewer emotional baggage to stumble over is certainly helpful to stabilize the relationship.