Still abusive, after all this time

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Before you read the abuse below, here are some good hard facts

I was the larger breadwinner for the first 10 years of our 34 year marriage

I liked my job, I only left because I got laid off

We've been separated for a year, a dissolution is not going well

I have always worked full-time, all while raising two kids, the last 5 years I've added a part-time job too

My new job was a 5,000 increase (not 12k... . I wish, but I am happy for the 5k, I'm happy to have a job with the same company, I've been there over 19 years.)

I make hats and blankets for a local charity that aids parents of premature babies, in my spare time

I am blessed to be a telecommuter... it helped while raising two kids and put an end to paying childcare, I've worked this way the last 10 years

I am overweight, so there is some merit to "broad backside", but the accuser has a higher BMI than me.

AND by his own admission, our incomes only differ by less than 10%

All this to say...

I was never "good enough" at anything

Nothing will ever satisfy him

I will never have closure unless I make it for myself

I am so much happier living without him.

So here it is, verbatim... . and this is the nice version, I listened to this often, this came today, after a year of separation... .


"I never, never, deprived my family of financial security. I never sat complacently on my backside making beanie hats and blankets while making significantly less than I was capable of, while from time to time out of total frustration my spouse would say "you can do better that this job, you should be looking for something else.  A job like this won't last forever" and selfishly ignoring them.  Need I point out that when you were forced to get off of your broad backside and do it, in a mere 8 months, you found a job making $12,000 a year more than you had been.  Sadly, you had the potential to be making that much or more since 2005 or earlier and just wouldn't get up and try.  Isn't it amazing what one can do when properly motivated.  And yes, it PISSED me off for years that you were too damned lazy to try to do better and take some of he load and pressure off of me!  Had you tried, I might not have had my first TIA and we might not be where we are today."

[Kadee]

Before you read the abuse below, here are some good hard facts

I was the larger breadwinner for the first 10 years of our 34 year marriage

I liked my job, I only left because I got laid off

We've been separated for a year, a dissolution is not going well

I have always worked full-time, all while raising two kids, the last 5 years I've added a part-time job too

My new job was a 5,000 increase (not 12k... . I wish, but I am happy for the 5k, I'm happy to have a job with the same company, I've been there over 19 years.)

I make hats and blankets for a local charity that aids parents of premature babies, in my spare time

I am blessed to be a telecommuter... it helped while raising two kids and put an end to paying childcare, I've worked this way the last 10 years

I am overweight, so there is some merit to "broad backside", but the accuser has a higher BMI than me.

AND by his own admission, our incomes only differ by less than 10%

All this to say...

I was never "good enough" at anything

Nothing will ever satisfy him

I will never have closure unless I make it for myself

I am so much happier living without him.

So here it is, verbatim... . and this is the nice version, I listened to this often, this came today, after a year of separation... .


"I never, never, deprived my family of financial security. I never sat complacently on my backside making beanie hats and blankets while making significantly less than I was capable of, while from time to time out of total frustration my spouse would say "you can do better that this job, you should be looking for something else.  A job like this won't last forever" and selfishly ignoring them.  Need I point out that when you were forced to get off of your broad backside and do it, in a mere 8 months, you found a job making $12,000 a year more than you had been.  Sadly, you had the potential to be making that much or more since 2005 or earlier and just wouldn't get up and try.  Isn't it amazing what one can do when properly motivated.  And yes, it PISSED me off for years that you were too damned lazy to try to do better and take some of he load and pressure off of me!  Had you tried, I might not have had my first TIA and we might not be where we are today."

[arn131arn]

I probably went from 12-13 percent body fat to 15-16. Not fat but not the best shape of my life. I gained some weight over the 14 years, got complacent and drank allot. Her exact words to me? "just remember it was me that moved ur big fat gut over to give you blowjobs!" i was thinking of getting a tattoo, not her name, of the worst thing she ever said or did to me, so I can remember what I had and what I never want again. Just haven't figured out how to put what she said above into a piece of art work... . any thoughts, ironman?

[Murbay]

I'm so sorry he is still being like that after all this time Kadee, it's very unfair on you and none of what he says should be taken to heart (although I know how difficult that can be)

What resonates with me is the part about the job, I had both my exBPD and my exMIL coming at me with the very same thing. The issue was that I left a very good job to move to her country so it wasn't that I wouldn't work, it was because I couldn't work due to work permit being processed. Enough was enough and I went back to my own country to get a job (she wouldn't come because she wouldn't leave her parents, despite her saying before we were married that if we ran into issues, she would come with me. I never expected her to and I left that decision up to her)

My new job allowed me to travel back to her country and work. Even then she was not happy because it was still a company in my own country and not hers. Then she was unhappy because I should be earning more money and even stated a figure I should be on(to fund her lifestyle). I have never worked for money, I've worked because I enjoy what I do and the money is a bonus to pay the bills. As long as bills can be paid, it doesn't matter as long as you are happy doing what you do. She even complained about this during an appointment with the Therapist which he later explained is abuse.

You do what makes you happy and if someone cares enough about you, they will happy that you do something that makes you happy. All I see in the message below is a very angry ex who is trying to offload his issues on to you whilst being very abusive. The fact he even tries to blame you for his TIA is completely disgusting. I don't even think the message warrants a response in any way, shape or form.

[Kadee]

No, I never respond to these type of messages, it just gets me more abuse. I'm living quite happily without the daily verbal attacks, so to solicit them would be insane.

Well, I should say I respond over and over, I just never hit the send button. It's my personal way to get my own personal closure.

[whirlpoollife]

Kadee, my x2bh didn't like it when I did acts of kindness, charity work ,etc.  so I didn't.  It hurt. Now I see that he was jealous of it . He lacked/lacks  empathy. I didn't do it for attention but I got "attention" and he couldn't handle it. He couldn't stand either seeing me doing something that mad me happy. I don't know why.

Sounds like your x2bh is jealous that your life is better without him

[Kadee]

yeah, come to think of it, whenever I would get alcolades for something, he would always need to one-up me. Same with our kids. oh, he'd say good job to them, but follow it up with what he supposedly did when he was that age.

always boastful. and others notice too. could NEVER say "good job" and leave it at that.

and he lies about important things... . like says he was in the Marines but never was. Says he's and Eagle Scout, but there is no evidence other than his word. It just doesnt do that I am a First class GS, his son is and Eagle Scout and his daughter a Gold GS. Amazing that I never heard that he was until our son was on track for Eagle. why did it never come up in the previous 25 years?

Its these things I struggle to forgive him for, because he continues to insist its true. The one time I really pressed him on it, I got "I don't need more of your retoric". I found his choice  of words amusing.

I wonder if he actually believes his lies... .

Oh, and the part of the "job" message that I left out above... .

"As I said, I am tired of the games, lies and distortions of the truth so save it for the next sucker, I had my 35 years of it.

Try as I might, I haven't felt anything from any of you but hate since last February. "

Is that what's called "gaslighting"?

[Tausk]

Ouch, ouch and ouch.  Am I'm sure that it hurt you more because my ex knew exactly what to say to trigger my insecurities.

Try no to take it personally.  It's a combination of shame, dissociation, and confabulation.   It's a survival tool of BPD because the truth is beyond comprehension.  It has nothing to do with you, just a survival tool.  My ex would make things up that I knew we false, but I also knew that she absolutely felt they were real, and her feelings at the moment are her reality.

It's sad and pathetic.  It took me so long to begin to understand it wasn't about me.  Just like a three year old who screams, she hates me and that I'm always mean, because I won't let her have the entire chocolate cake.  I try not to take that personally either.

Thanks for sharing. It lets me know I'm not alone.