Back into Ruminations- I hate it

[nolisan]

Man o man - I had over a year of NC. At Xmas time I just caught a glimpse of her driving. It was unexpected as she had moved hundred of miles away.

The sighting has shaken me up. I was doing well - memories had faded but I have fallen back into recalling the past r/s. It is like I am starting the recovery all over again (I have to admit the pain isn't as sharp or overwhelming as the early days).

I just read "Emotional Memory Management - Positive Control Over Your Memory" by Joseph Carver here at BPD Fam and see that I am not managing the memories well. I had got to a point where I had lumped the whole r/s into one "file" - the "crazy chick I fell in love with" file. I knew that opening that file was crazy making and I avoided the whole thing.

Now it seems all sorts of "sub files" are popping into recall. There seem to be 4 types: 1) the good times (and how I miss them), 2) the hurts and nasty things she did, 3) me wondering if it was just my lack of boundaries and reactivity that was at fault and 4) the traumatic ending (told her to GTFO - quite mean). AND recognition that she is sticking with her intent never to speak with me again.

These recalls are disconnected and intrusive and I don't like being back. It is a waste of my time. This ship has sailed. What is done is done. I need to get on with my life.

I'm kinda venting here but I would appreciate any wisdom from "the family".

Noli

[Perfidy]

Reality check noli. It's in the past. The past isn't now. The future hasn't happened. Meditation. Relax, breathe, focus on the air moving in and out of your body. Let your mind have its way. Just watch your thoughts flow past you. Enter reality. The past isn't real. It was at one time but the only reality is now.

[nolisan]

Thanks Per'.

This weekend I am going on a mediation retreat - should be good to reclaim some tools. "Mind makes everything".

[Perfidy]

Damn rights. Meditation has been a life changer for me.

[myself]

I like where you're coming from where you're going where you are with this.

It's reminded me to be more dedicated to the time I can meditate instead of ruminate.

Thank you. I'm going to.


Life was deep and now it's deeper.

Those were echoes, nolisan.

They're already fading.