I am going to keep this rather old post alive as it is pertinent to my current situation. I sit here for the second day on my couch with a neck ache, a head ache and a feeling of such total sadness. I slipped up last night and reacted to a barrage of name calling from my uBPDw with slinging mud back. Didn't use any skills I have learned here (to be honest I am kinda new so I really haven't mastered any). I just blew my lid and said things i terribly regret today.
I wrote the "please forgive me (translated to them... . go ahead and punish away)" email last night. Also sent an I am sorry text. Couldn't sleep all night. Heard nothing back so finally made a FT call. Luckily she answered so that I could be put out of my misery... . OR WAS I?
Of course I had to apologize a few times more, so beaten down I admitted to maybe some things that I really did not do just to make peace and basically got a more controlled, but nevertheless stabbing, dress down. The monologue went on and on as I was patient not to interrupt. If I did say anything it was either to agree with her about my shortcomings or clarify HOW SHE FELT.
Basically I was in panic mode about her ending our marriage. Her visa is about to be issued for her to come to the States and be with me. We have endured so much to get to this place and all we have done in the last 7 months is argue with her BPD raging out of control at times. I also have gotten to a point where like a loyal dog that has been kicked too many times, I am starting to get mean. In standing up to her more and more, it has served to erode her trust in me. I am in a no win situation like most of us are with BPD people. I love her more than anything, am still holding on to every sweet and loving thing she promised me, our hopes and dreams, but I heard from her lips today " love is not enough". As much as I intellectually know that, it broke me heart.
You're in a long distance marriage? For how long? Why are you still holding on?
