Analogy of codependent tendencies

[Murbay]

Some of you who have been on the boards long enough will know that I used to be an Army medic. I don't know whether my career choices were as a result of codependent tendencies or whether they were enforced and developed during that time. It is perhaps a bit of a chicken/egg scenario.

Working through it with my T, I explained how difficult it was to fight the urge when you see someone in pain and suffering of not running in to save them, after all that is what I was trained to do.

Except it wasn't and my T pointed something out to me that was very important and what I had missed. The very first thing you do as a medic, before all else, is check for further danger to you or the casualty. Running blindly into a situation puts your life at risk and in return puts the life of the casualty at risk too. So the most important rule is to protect yourself first above all else.

For many of us who have fallen into the codependency cycle with our pwBPD, it's because we ignored the dangers around us and went rushing in. We skipped past the landmines  and found ourselves face to face with a booby trapped casualty. As long as we kept taking care of their needs, they didn't go off and to step away meant triggering the landmines. Getting out was just as dangerous as getting in.

So next time you find yourself facing a casualty make sure to follow the first rule and check for any further danger to yourself above all else.

[myself]

That makes sense for where you've been. What happened with me was I didn't know she was booby-trapped until after she had been set off. Which triggered me and it was a chain reaction. I thought the coast was clear when I made those moves. My biggest mistake was to keep setting us both off.

[Surnia]

Hi Murbay

I really like your thoughts here. This is a very important point, valid for any medics, life guards, first aid. First the own safety. 

A good reminder when dealing with mental health problems too.

For many of us who have fallen into the codependency cycle with our pwBPD, it's because we ignored the dangers around us and went rushing in. We skipped past the landmines  and found ourselves face to face with a booby trapped casualty.

[Turkish]

Yep, the first rule of first responders is take care of yourself first. AM's have an unusually high casualty rate, from what I understand (you would know more), being the nature of the job.

I don't think having "rescuing" tendencies is necessarily a bad thing. Not pathological, and even a noble virtue. It may be, however, easier for those of us with the tendencies to get lost in the FOG, especially when it comes to relationships and filling some need within us. Its certainly safer to be protected by professional boundares, though this is often violated (the 9/11 widows come to mind). How do we erect and strengthen our personal boundaries? I guess that's what we are here to find out... .

[LilMissSunshine]

Great thread.  I never thought about securing my own safety first.  Thank you.  I shall never forget that 

[CoasterRider]

Don't forget once you've made the scene safe to triage, if there are fatally wounded might want to move on to the next one... . There ain't not saving them

[ShakinMyHead]

Isn't that our Narcissism, that we don't assess our own feelings. We don't consider them, or are under the false belief that we should handle what other Humans cannot? It is our job to feel for others not ourselves, so we end up moths to flame and don't see that the pretty flower is a Venus Fly Trap til we are already too close to the flame and being singed. Then we blame the venus fly trap for being a man-eater? UGH…Missing him today, but still filled with more self love then self hate. Ive been recycled too many times to lie to myself and think it would be any different. Any contact would just give him the reassurance to shelf me again, and feel secure in knowing he still has my supply if he wants it. NO FRIGGIN WAY! I have 1 month NC. I am the one that has rejected every attempt of his. I am the Non. I have the power to be recycled or not. I won't relinquish this stance for a few minutes of fantasy before it sours once again. Thanks for listening Guys… SMH

[Perfidy]

Murbay that reminds me of the first rule of warfare. Never start a war you can't win.

[irishmarmot]

For me I got inundated with texts and phone calls every day from the start.  Then I was validated, mirrored, and told I was the only man that she ever loved.  It was a sort of brainwashing and of course I was at a vulnerable point of my life when we met.  A person with healthy boundries would have backed off and she would have gone on to the next.  Because they always have a supply of men to cycle into a relationship with them.  I took the bait and became enmeshed because of my codependancy issues.   I only see it now after getting burned and learning about BPD from this website.

[winston72]

Murbay!  Great post.  Such a simple, but profound truth.  And it applies everywhere... . we are humans with limited capacity.  We must be in a place of strength before we can offer strength to someone else.  Your training/story/analogy offers great wisdom.  Thank you.

I charged headlong toward a casualty without any situational awareness and with utter disregard for my own well being.  Must have been true love, right?  Not even dumb love.  Did not show love for either party.  Or, in the best case, very best... . it was uninformed and unwise love... . and not to be repeated.  Caused a mess for the casualty, for me and for others involved.

[Murbay]

For me I got inundated with texts and phone calls every day from the start.  Then I was validated, mirrored, and told I was the only man that she ever loved.  It was a sort of brainwashing and of course I was at a vulnerable point of my life when we met.  A person with healthy boundries would have backed off and she would have gone on to the next.

I can understand that irishmarmot, the constant texts and phonecalls, day and night. We were in 2 different countries initially but I made the trips to visit her. She proposed after the first week of meeting her and we were married after 6 months. The thing was I saw the red flags and I acted on them. The first was how quick the marriage was coming around, it made me very uneasy and I asked to slow things down.

The second we had talked about long distance relationships and that I had children who I see. That wasn't going to be an issue because i could still come back to see them and if it was too painful, she would move. The 180'd on that one and I ended the relationship. There were far too many warning signs to be ignored. Tried to end it in a civil way, told her I thought she was a wonderful and amazing person but that there were too many factors to consider and that it wouldn't work out.

She flew to my country and turned up on my doorstep, couldn't leave her stranded because I'm not that kind of person and over the next 2 weeks I allowed her the space in my head. I actually thought it was endearing that she would come all that way to fight for our relationship and that it was meant to be. Her mother joined in too, sending me e-mails that played directly on my guilt and it worked.

By agreeing to continue, I gave up who I was and became her rescuer. I still remember it clearly, she was the one who flew over but managed to flip it so I became the chaser. Her words were that because I had been so selfish in ending the relationship, the only way it was going to work was to take care of her needs. That she had been such a selfless individual up to this point and that was about to change. Basically, that is when the mirror broke.

Even when me and T went through it, play by play neither of us could find a selfless moment but what we did find was everything was done to her timings, she had no regard for anyone elses boundaries and she had been the selfish person all along.

SMH, I believe you certainly have a point about our narcissism and I do agree, though but I have a slightly different feeling about it. It's not so much believing we can do what others can't but I know certainly in my case and a few others I have read on the boards. When you are constantly told how bad all the other exes have been, see them painted black, you go out of your way to show that you aren't the same as them. I don't think it is so much thinking we can handle what other humans can't but more that we are comparing ourselves to the exes we are hearing nasty things about.

[Landslide2014]

Wow.  I love that awareness.  Kind of relates to putting on your own oxygen mask and making sure your secure before you are even able to help others.  I also agree that if rescuing is one of your strengths that it should be put forth. Though I don't agree that it's healthy to try and rescue someone who is not capable of being rescued.  For me, I have been trying to save my BPDH for years.  My oxygen is flowing a little more freely now that I have mustered the courage and minimized the guilt to save myself first, thank God!  I have begun to breathe.  Thanks for the insight.