Just got a text

[Tincup]

So I was in bed last night and doing my nightly prayer.  I said out loud to myself that if the higher power would allow me to move on with my life I would clean up a couple of things in my life that I need to clean up.  I felt great and went to bed and slept great.  I woke up this morning and also felt great.  I am on my way to moving on with my life.  About an hour ago I got a text message from her (first one in 4 or 5 months).  I swear it is like she knows when I am right at the point of really moving on.  I know it is my choice, but still it sucks.  My hands should not shake when I see a number come up on my phone.

My marriage to a non ended because of an affair, lies, etc.  We have kids together that were young at the time and were married for 15 years.  That relationship ending was not nearly as hard on me as the relationship with my UBPDgf.  We had no kids, didn't live together, had no joint bills or anything.  This breakup has been much harder, much more traumatic. She is a cross between a waif and a hermit, and high functioning. 

Anyone still undecided about going NC I want you to realize that this text sent me back multiple steps.  I would gladly get me mind erased of the last 5 years of my life in a minute if something like that were available.

[seeking balance]

Sorry you are struggling Tincup.

I know from my own experience that ptsd is very real in the aftermath of all of this.  The good thing, you posted here.  Breathe, maybe exercise - that panic/anxiety will pass and it will be quicker each time.

My story was similar to yours and my wounds with the BPD breakup way more deep.   

Hang in there,

SB

[GuiltHaunted]

I'm a good month into NC, 9 months past breakup. I initiated the NC, by telling her never to contact me again, after she sent me an Xmas greeting (she is 9 month in a new relationship too).

I know I should be trying to detach, but it's so damn hard. I would give anything to get some kind of sign from. Of curiosity, what did she write? And did you respond?

[Ironmanrises]

Reading accounts such as this reminds me that the ordeal is real and always will be. I am really sorry you experienced that text Tincup. I can understand how jarring that must be. Even though I have had no direct contact with my exUBPDgf now in 6+ months(3 months NC after round 1, now 6+ months NC after round 2), there will always be that hauntingly frightening possibility that it will occur. What a nightmare. Hang in there.

[Moonie75]

Did the content of the text have anything to do with your reaction?

I imagine, depending on what's said, a txt from them might be either validating, or invalidating?

And that will also effect how the contact makes you feel.

[Tincup]

My hands shaking and the heart racing reaction to the text was just a reaction to getting the text from her.  The actual text from her I would rather not go into what it said on the outside chance that she reads this forum, but I can say it was rather intimate.  I did respond back with something rather generic just saying that we were together for a long time. 

I am kind of numb right now which I don't think is real good.

[Moonie75]

Tincup please don't think I was prying to find out what was said. I just meant they can seem validating or invalidating. (depending on content).

Do you think your replying to the text will prompt a reply back to you?

[Tincup]

Moonie-I did not take it as prying at all.  If you PM me I would be glad to share with you what the content was.  I don't know what the result will be of my replying back.  For some reason it is easy for me to not reply to an email, but hard to not reply to a text.  Not replying in the past has resulted in escalation where she would contact relatives of mine, or I did one time where she said I might get a call from her ex husband because he was under the impression she might hurt herself.

[starshine]

Wow, Tincup, I'm so sorry that this has happened.  I live in fear of running into my ex or hearing from him also- although he has never contacted me.  We have been NC for 2.5 years.  I also suffer from ptsd- it's awful.  And to think she might be trolling on this site reading your posts is over the top.  I hope that you are able to maintain NC with the texting in the future.  I know it's ahrd not to worry about what happens if you don't respond, but it just seems like it might invite further contact if you do respond.

[caughtnreleased]

Man we are all going through the same thing. The shaking from receiving the text (I thought it was him but it turned out to be someone else). The paranoia that they are reading these boards. What nightmare. They are predators. We are their prey only if we allow it.

[Cimbaruns]

Tincup.  Sorry you had to go through that awful feeling when they just text like that out of the blue! I remember getting those texts and my heart starting to palpitate and my face go ashen.  I think we all know how crappy that makes us feel... . how invasive... . how paralizing...

I had to block all forms of contact... . text. Phone  FB

I left Email open because it didn't seem to affect me as much and I could choose to read it or not... .

Going NC is so hard but with time it really does lessen those shock waves that their able to push upon us...

Be strong.  Big hugs