Fear and acceptance of parenting alone

[thisyoungdad]

So I am really struggling here. We filed a parenting plan with the courts, and of course my ex can not handle some of the things in it even though we agreed together on every piece of it. So through a mediated family counselor (she has a more official title) who we are seeing monthly to try to help us do what is best for our D3 (even though I am pretty sure the counselor is well aware of what I am dealing with, it is a hoop we are jumping through) and so I have conceded to some short term adjustments to the parenting plan. Nothing permanent, like for 2 months we can change this small piece of it or that small piece but in the end we are going back to the plan. Well these changes we made of course at the request of my ex who simply could not follow the parenting plan as it was. Basically the changes are a little more lenient in some cases. It is kinda hard to explain. My point though is that now she won't even follow those changes. The counselor has gotten on her now about this, on more than one occasion yet no one can force my ex to do anything. It is beyond frustrating. For my daughters sake I suppose I need to come to accept that even with 50/50 custody (at this time) that I do not have a partner who is parenting with me. I am doing all the heavy lifting. That is such a hard thing to accept because it is so hard to believe my ex really wants nothing to do with most of the big decisions in my daughters life. I am just tired, frustrated and worried that when the divorce is final at the end of April and our attorneys are not there anymore (mainly mine) I won't have anyone to have my back. It is like pulling teeth now, and there is the pressure from my attorney. I guess not only do I need to find a way to accept it I need to try to not get scared that it will get even worse when all the professionals are out of the picture. I am in a very exhausted, fearful spot I guess. I don't even really know if I have a question here. I am just worried about how it will play out for my daughter, and that the craziness will escalate again.

[momtara]

Well, you can get a parenting coordinator to help you both after the fact, and put that in the agreement.  Of course, that means $$$$.

At least you have 50/50 and get to make major decisions... . try to look on the bright side.

[mywifecrazy]

I feel for you. I'm in the same position with TRYING to get my uBPDxw to put her kids first and not her new replacement (victim) relationship. I'm lucky though as she ran out on us and abandoned the kids and signed primary custody to me and agreed to only get them every other weekend.

What is your X doing or not doing that's making it difficult? My X is making it difficult on our boys because they know by her actions that my replacement (victim) is more important to her than they are. To make it worse is my replacement is our neighbor across the street. She is so childish about it too. I have to remind her how she is hurting our boys when they know she is over there and not with her own kids. She is so crazy! I shouldn't have to tell her this but with her BPD childish mental state I feel like her DAD now and not her ex husband.

Whatever you do just keep your focus on your daughter and not your X.  When you have your daughter just give all the love you can.  I find the more love I give my boys and the more I show them how stable things are with me the better they feel and adjust to things. You're in my prayers brother. I know what you're going through!

[thisyoungdad]

Well, you can get a parenting coordinator to help you both after the fact, and put that in the agreement.  Of course, that means $$$$.

At least you have 50/50 and get to make major decisions... . try to look on the bright side.

The family counselor is more of a parenting coordinator really than a therapist although she can and does do some of that work as well, depending upon the situation with each family. None of it seems to matter though, my ex could care less what anyone says or does, even when threatened with the fact that the courts won't look kindly upon what she is doing (or rather not doing) in regards to parenting.

You are absolutely right, I have a lot to be grateful for, especially that I have 50/50 custody which is something many don't get.

[thisyoungdad]

I feel for you. I'm in the same position with TRYING to get my uBPDxw to put her kids first and not her new replacement (victim) relationship. I'm lucky though as she ran out on us and abandoned the kids and signed primary custody to me and agreed to only get them every other weekend.

What is your X doing or not doing that's making it difficult? My X is making it difficult on our boys because they know by her actions that my replacement (victim) is more important to her than they are. To make it worse is my replacement is our neighbor across the street. She is so childish about it too. I have to remind her how she is hurting our boys when they know she is over there and not with her own kids. She is so crazy! I shouldn't have to tell her this but with her BPD childish mental state I feel like her DAD now and not her ex husband.

Whatever you do just keep your focus on your daughter and not your X.  When you have your daughter just give all the love you can.  I find the more love I give my boys and the more I show them how stable things are with me the better they feel and adjust to things. You're in my prayers brother. I know what you're going through!

I do try to give my daughter my as much of my undivided attention and love as I can realistically give. I can tell she sees how things are more stable with me and she seems to be adjusting pretty well. Although at 3 1/2 she has started recently expressing how she wishes we lived together, families live together, she remembers when we all went to the park together or did this or that together. She doesn't remember when we lived together as my ex left right after my daughter turned 2. That was always one of the hardest things for me, and I used that to plead with her mom to work on things because it was very sudden in escalation. I was so heartbroken to know my daughter would never remember us living together. I wish she at least had a sibling.

[Turkish]

I feel for you. I'm in the same position with TRYING to get my uBPDxw to put her kids first and not her new replacement (victim) relationship. I'm lucky though as she ran out on us and abandoned the kids and signed primary custody to me and agreed to only get them every other weekend.

What is your X doing or not doing that's making it difficult? My X is making it difficult on our boys because they know by her actions that my replacement (victim) is more important to her than they are. To make it worse is my replacement is our neighbor across the street. She is so childish about it too. I have to remind her how she is hurting our boys when they know she is over there and not with her own kids. She is so crazy! I shouldn't have to tell her this but with her BPD childish mental state I feel like her DAD now and not her ex husband.

Whatever you do just keep your focus on your daughter and not your X.  When you have your daughter just give all the love you can.  I find the more love I give my boys and the more I show them how stable things are with me the better they feel and adjust to things. You're in my prayers brother. I know what you're going through!

I do try to give my daughter my as much of my undivided attention and love as I can realistically give. I can tell she sees how things are more stable with me and she seems to be adjusting pretty well. Although at 3 1/2 she has started recently expressing how she wishes we lived together, families live together, she remembers when we all went to the park together or did this or that together. She doesn't remember when we lived together as my ex left right after my daughter turned 2. That was always one of the hardest things for me, and I used that to plead with her mom to work on things because it was very sudden in escalation. I was so heartbroken to know my daughter would never remember us living together. I wish she at least had a sibling.

That is sad, thisyoungdad. Little kids are about object constancy (she's there, you're here, I sleep there with her, and here with you), but when they start to get older, they can make the comparisons with other families and question, or maybe they just sense the truth of what should be?. Even S4 two weeks ago told me to "give mommy a kiss goodbye!" when they went out the door... . we haven't shown affection for months, though haven't argued in front of the kids. Ex hasn't slept in my bed since early August, but two weeks ago, he asked her if my bed was her bed, too, same with the MB bathroom.

D1 went searching this morning for her mom (went to the couch)... . seemed ok accepting she wasn't there. Like your daughter, I don't know how I'll deal with the inevitable questions. Some kids ask them, some don't.

[thisyoungdad]

Yes, and unfortunately for me (or fortunately perhaps) my daughter has always asked me at least lots of questions. We have a very open relationship. I am very doubtful she has that with her mom, although I wish she did of course. So I suspect that I get all the questions because she doesn't get to ask mom any.

Right now we live a few blocks apart and today when I took her to her mom's for the weekend it was beautiful but freezing out. So we bundled up and walked the 3 blocks and she loves that we can walk to mom's house but I also think that may fuel some of the questions. She never sees us interact because we don't (daughters grandma who I have major issues with was there to meet us, ex was working) and we never talk because she gets triggered every single time we talk, email, text or anything for that matter. So I am kind of surprised my daughter has been asking since it has been almost a year since we last did anything together. My daughter also has started to say we are not a family because we don't live together. Makes me so sad. She even told me yesterday that mom doesn't like dad. I asked why she thought that and she said because mom won't talk to dad or live with dad. It is so hard because it is so painful for me, and for her to feel and hear those things. I don't know what made her think that about her mom. She never says I don't like her mom, at least not to me. It is like all new water I don't know how to navigate. So I started to read Emotional Intelligence for Kids... . that is helping me in some ways.

Anyway though another struggle is I am getting ready to move at the end of the month and I wanted to stay close to where I am now, but there are rentals all over the city except near where I am now. So I am actually struggling wondering if I made the right choice because of how much it means to my daughter when we can drive by moms house on the way home from daycare (because some nights I have to) or that we can walk over. Maybe it makes it harder for her? There is a small part of me that realized how nice it was to walk over there again, but at the same time these days she is so hostile to me it is extremely rare anyway so maybe it is my wishful thinking going on here. And if so am I perpetuating false hope in my daughter? Is moving across town better? I don't know any of it... . and this is where I wish I had a partner in parenting to help explain these things to my daughter, or help us all navigate it.

Last time she wanted mommy to give daddy a hug goodbye and for the first time my ex refused to do it. That was really sad both for me personally but for me watching my daughter. Does my ex even realize how much she hurts our daughter? This all just sucks

[Turkish]

S4 wanted me to give his mom a kiss goodbye last week on their way out the door to the store. I said, "that's over between us." Resisted the urge to make a snarky comment... . though I guess I did. S4 took it n stride. This is so hard, I feel for you. So uncessary and unjust.