Sometimes I find myself starting to feel sorry for him...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

When I read about this disorder, read about what it can be like for them, it helps me to detach (some) and depersonalize what he did to me.

I have had flashes of compassion, feeling sorry for him, while being really glad for me that I'm on the healing end of things (NC, been out of communication with him for ~ 6 months).

It seems to be a process, going back and forth from anger, to a certain kind of indifference, to having some kind of (detached) compassion.  I say detached compassion because its not the kind of compassion where I want to become involved with him again.  As a good friend of mine would say "Oh He!'s No!"

I'm hoping that what this means is, my anger may finally be coming to an end.  God that would feel good!  That would be freedom!  I was in the pain/anger cycle for over 2 years, so here's hoping! 

Is anyone else having this experience with processing and detachment?

[Ceide]

When I read about this disorder, read about what it can be like for them, it helps me to detach (some) and depersonalize what he did to me.

I have had flashes of compassion, feeling sorry for him, while being really glad for me that I'm on the healing end of things (NC, been out of communication with him for ~ 6 months).

It seems to be a process, going back and forth from anger, to a certain kind of indifference, to having some kind of (detached) compassion.  I say detached compassion because its not the kind of compassion where I want to become involved with him again.  As a good friend of mine would say "Oh He!'s No!"

I'm hoping that what this means is, my anger may finally be coming to an end.  God that would feel good!  That would be freedom!  I was in the pain/anger cycle for over 2 years, so here's hoping! 

Is anyone else having this experience with processing and detachment?

[Mutt]

Anger can be a mask for pain. It comes and go during the detachment and grieving phase. I feel compassion and understanding for my ex, she is a human being, a person that I was with for a long-time.

I also understand that this is a serious disorder and there is nothing in my power to help her. I hope that helps.  

[numbr3]

I almost feel sorry for his new wife, not him.  Jealous a bit that she gets the "good" parts but she has no idea how her marriage will turn into a nightmare!

And then I also feel sorry for any old girlfriends (the nice ones- like me ) I am sure he told them all he wanted to get married but those all went up in flames.

I can't feel sorry for him when he continues to be vindictive.  He makes that choice and he can control it.  He has the resources to get help but chooses not to. He would rather blame me.  It's been 7 years post divorce so I am not responsible for his actions now or in the past.

[Mutt]

Jealous a bit that she gets the "good" parts but she has no idea how her marriage will turn into a nightmare!

For me, looking at the whole picture... . The juice wasn't worth the squeeze.  

[Tausk]

When I read about this disorder, read about what it can be like for them, it helps me to detach (some) and depersonalize what he did to me.

I have had flashes of compassion, feeling sorry for him, while being really glad for me that I'm on the healing end of things (NC, been out of communication with him for ~ 6 months).

It seems to be a process, going back and forth from anger, to a certain kind of indifference, to having some kind of (detached) compassion.  I say detached compassion because its not the kind of compassion where I want to become involved with him again.  As a good friend of mine would say "Oh He!'s No!"

I'm hoping that what this means is, my anger may finally be coming to an end.  God that would feel good!  That would be freedom!  I was in the pain/anger cycle for over 2 years, so here's hoping!  

Is anyone else having this experience with processing and detachment?

This is a great post.  Congrats.  When I got to this point, it was the start of of some of the real freedom and detachment from the Disorder that I allowed to steal so many years of my life in destruction.

My ex is not a sociopath, is not evil, does not intend to do any harm, although her actions can be sociopathic and destucitve.  It's the Disorder.  It doesn't mean that I don't hold her responsible for her actions.  I hold her responsible for her side of the street.  But I also understand that she lacks the capacity to be responsible for many of her actions. It's not that she won't take responsibility, she can't.

Huh?  Illogical?  It's a DISORDER.

But I know that virtually every moment of existence for her is survival of excruciating terror, pain, and loneliness that I couldn't endure for a heart beat.

And by learning this, I learned that compassion for her and the disorder.  And by learning and feeling compassion for her (even at time just for moments), this opened a gateway to have compassion for myself, and then a process to forgive myself.  

Forgive myself for the involvement with the Disorder, forgive myself for the mistakes over my entire life, forgive myself for my imperfections and humanity, forgive myself for carrying the survival responses that kept me from going crazy as a child but are inappropriate as an adult.

It's hard to forgive my ex b/c she's never asked for forgiveness.  She's never taken responsibility.  And if I allow it, it's easy for me to move into the I hope for murder/suicide for her and her cheating new husband who betrayed me.

So the letting go is a process/cycle that is flux.  But it's moving in a better direction over all.  And, I try to move out of the Anger phase, and focus on myself and my healing.

Thanks for posting.

[Ceide]

Thanks everyone.

Tausk, your words re forgiveness made me cry.  I do need to forgive myself, and forgiving him, although I may not be there yet, will be a gift I give myself.

[biglearningcurve]

I also feel  compassion for my udBPDbf.  Knowing the pain I am going through is some of the worst I have ever felt and it can only be multiplied many times in magnitude for him.

He has replaced me with a women from the other side of the world that has come to live with him.  But he has recently been in contact with me to see how I feel about him. I think he still has strong feelings for me... . or is that just the disorder?

It is the most perplexing thing ever.

[Klrskies]

[/quote]
For me, looking at the whole picture... . The juice wasn't worth the squeeze.  [/quote]
that's a good way of putting it! I'll remember that one!

[blissful_camper]

But he has recently been in contact with me to see how I feel about him. I think he still has strong feelings for me... . or is that just the disorder?

My ex did the same thing.  They don't process the end of a relationship in a healthy way.  They can't.  When they reconnect, they are testing the water to see if the door is still open.  They need to know, so if/when the current relationship fails, they have backup.  I'm not a backup option for my ex. 

Those strong feelings are rooted in need, not love.  The need to have somebody, anybody to fill that void for them. 

I feel compassion for anyone who is troubled, but they have choices and options as adults.  My ex is aware he has major issues.  He chooses to do nothing about it.  It's not my problem anymore. 

[Ceide]

My uBPDexbf is a master at disassociating from his feelings and even though I know that typically BPDs are in a lot of pain, it is really hard to see/believe in his case.  He abruptly left me out of the blue, shattered me, devastated me, saw my uncontrollable crying and pain, and had NO feelings about it.  Even told me he switches off his feelings and just concentrates on moving forward.  So for me to start to have flashes of compassion, however temporary they are at this point, is huge.  (I can feel the anger building even as I type this.  He was such a bast@rd!)  Deep breaths... .

[Tausk]

My uBPDexbf is a master at disassociating from his feelings and even though I know that typically BPDs are in a lot of pain, it is really hard to see/believe in his case.  He abruptly left me out of the blue, shattered me, devastated me, saw my uncontrollable crying and pain, and had NO feelings about it.  Even told me he switches off his feelings and just concentrates on moving forward.  So for me to start to have flashes of compassion, however temporary they are at this point, is huge.  (I can feel the anger building even as I type this.  He was such a bast@rd!)  Deep breaths... .

Hi Ceide:  Yes, I understand.  My ex's actions were unconscionable.  It hurt me to the core.  And still at times the anger is almost unbearable.   

Our feelings, no matter what they are are just feelings.  Neutral.  But we must feel them. What I've learned that is important is how I respond to my feelings.  And first of all is to be safe.  Second is to remain away from ex.  I don't have children, so No Contact is by far the best.  Otherwise, I have to deal with her and her cheating new husband.

Third, is to feel the feelings in the doses that I am able, and process them in a productive manner.

Suppressing the anger and bitterness is no better than suppressing joy and happiness.   But, I want to process and not stay in any stages of grief/detachment because I'm too scared or angry to move on. 

It takes time.  I've learned  some patience.  Which is a blessing.   

Stay on the board.  Find a Therapist.  Read about the disorder, but more importantly read about why we got caught in the disorder and how we can recover.

You're not alone. Many others have walked and are walking the path that is in front of you.  Just grab some virtual hands, and we'll all walk it together.

[Ceide]

Great advice, Tausk, thank you.   

[santa]

Don't fall into that trap. He wouldn't show you any mercy. Save your sympathy for someone who deserves it.

[Tausk]

Don't fall into that trap. He wouldn't show you any mercy. Save your sympathy for someone who deserves it.

Agreed.  Support/Compassion/Sympathy is not the same as Enablement.

The best thing I can do for my ex and for me is to learn about myself and Stay No Contact. 

My ex will never change, her actions will always be sociopathic (even if she's not), and any attachment to my ex will only lead in further destruction.

The Disorder requires participants.  The Disorder always wins.  I have to choose not to participate in the Disorder.

[santa]

Don't fall into that trap. He wouldn't show you any mercy. Save your sympathy for someone who deserves it.

Agreed.  Support/Compassion/Sympathy is not the same as Enablement.

The best thing I can do for my ex and for me is to learn about myself and Stay No Contact. 

My ex will never change, her actions will always be sociopathic (even if she's not), and any attachment to my ex will only lead in further destruction.

The Disorder requires participants.  The Disorder always wins.  I have to choose not to participate in the Disorder.

That's the biggest thing to remember. The disorder ALWAYS wins. Every single time.