What if I want her back

[buddy1226]

Sounds crazy, I know but a lot of time when I air out these thoughts/feelings I see them for what they are. I've gotten a little better lately or else I've just gotten used to the dull pain or missing my ex. I've no doubt that she is borderline. None at all and she is an extreme case at that. She did things to me that you just don't hear of. I had a friend that was going through a breakup a couple of years ago and I really busted his chops after a while for calling and puppy dogging his ex. I'm paying for that now as he was nowhere near as bad as me and his ex was an angel by comparison. My point here is that if I had a friend acting like I am over someone like my ex I would shake him.

I miss her. I do. Yesterday I felt good about it and was on here with a strong attitude and ready to put all this behind me. I still am but I ruminate a lot. The stupidity of what she did. How drastic and over the top it was. And for what? We had momentum going on a new and good life. Her kid loved me and I did him. We had just moved into a new home and things could have been great. Look, if it was a a case of "she just didn't love me" that would be one thing but I don't believe that's true. She ran with a bad spell during the move and split after a month. A month of hell mind you. But we had it. We could have been in a good place but she wouldn't even let the dust settle. She split on a dime. Didn't even tell me. Left me in a large house with just my bed and a few sticks of furniture because I had given all my stuff away to her gypsy family when we got married (they are Czech and really are like a pack of gypsies). She called last week crying saying how she loved and missed me. Granted she was drunk and off of her adderall but isn't that when the truth comes out. It sure didn't when she was Nurse Ratchet on that stuff.  The next day, of course she was saying how she didn't love me or miss me.

She is a train wreck. I've spoken with her one friend and she tells me she has had to cut it off with her because of the day to day drama. The night she came here last week it was awful. She smelled like a booze whore, had wrecked her car that she loves so much on the way here, and making no sense. She was soo different from the girl I fell in love with. How the f**K can that be. How can the contrast between who she could be (albeit increasingly rarer) and the person she is now be so stark. I know I pose this question a lot on here and the answer is that she is who she is now. I'm not sure I can buy that just yet. You see, when she was the person I keep referring to. The one I loved. She was happy. I know she was. Her family would tell her they've never seen her so happy. She had a different look. Her face looked different. A completely different person i tell you as opposed to the hateful, mean, manipulative witch I see now. And it's of her choosing. Why would someone chose to live like that as opposed to the one that the world smiled back at because she was beaming with happiness? And how does she not look back and see this simple truth.

I know too much about the disorder now to be asking these things. It is what it is. For them that's the case, anyway. For me? I'm not so sure it's going to be that simple. It is what it is? Well, it's more than what it is for me. There were times when what we had was beyond being replaced. These are her words and I knew it too. She hasn't replaced me. She won't and I'm not sure I will replace the one I adored.

So what if I still want her back and can't tell anyone? I can't. My family and friends would think I'm the one that's lost it. Hell, I don't know. I 'll feel different tomorrow I'm sure. I feel better since I started this post. Thanks once again, guys.

[seeking balance]

Well Buddy - this is the leaving board and your post sounds pretty undecided right now.

So, are you really undecided or are you feeling sad/lonely/missing her?

[buddy1226]

The latter.

[seeking balance]

When I felt like that, I would read article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck... . which ones have you at the moment?

[Perfidy]

It's ok to want her back buddy, I think it's all the more reason we need to detach. I know I don't want to be with the ex and I still have some thoughts like the ones you describe. It was horrendous. I honestly don't see a way it could work. When I reflect on our r/s I don't see much other that utter desolation. Not much left to build on. Trust is removed permanently. Once it's gone it's gone. I accept this reality and I am working hard on breaking all of my thoughts that aren't serving any purpose in keeping my head in reality. Sometimes I think we are growing the most when we feel like we aren't.

[Moonie75]

"What if I want her back?"


Wait.  It's as simple as that, just wait. often, not always, but vast majority reconnect a few months later.

You don't know now, how you'll feel then. You'll have to wait till it happens to find that out.

[Conundrum]

So what if I still want her back and can't tell anyone? I can't. My family and friends would think I'm the one that's lost it. Hell, I don't know. I 'll feel different tomorrow I'm sure. I feel better since I started this post. Thanks once again, guys.

Don't shame yourself for having those feelings.

She was soo different from the girl I fell in love with. How the f**K can that be. How can the contrast between who she could be (albeit increasingly rarer) and the person she is now be so stark. I know I pose this question a lot on here and the answer is that she is who she is now. I'm not sure I can buy that just yet. You see, when she was the person I keep referring to. The one I loved. She was happy. I know she was. Her family would tell her they've never seen her so happy. She had a different look. Her face looked different. A completely different person i tell you as opposed to the hateful, mean, manipulative witch I see now. And it's of her choosing. Why would someone chose to live like that as opposed to the one that the world smiled back at because she was beaming with happiness? And how does she not look back and see this simple truth.

There's neither an elegant nor satisfying answer to your question about the stark contrast. It's been under study for a long time without any definitive conclusions. Some evidence points to an inability to be able to reflectively think about self in an integrated manner, i.e., to perceive the context of one's existence in relation to self and others. That leads to a defect in the evaluative processing of emotions--therefore relational cause, effect and consequences become entirely skewed.

To butcher Heidegger, and his idea that the fundamental notion of being is "care." A healthy person "cares" about "being" in a multifaceted manner. We "care" about "being" (in relation to to others) via an evaluative emotional process that combines context, reflection and the idea of equipment. Caring utilizes equipment (people and things) to have its wants and needs met. In a healthy person those wants are integrated within a reflective, evaluative, relational context. While people who are in relation to us can be considered equipment, or objects--we do not objectify them in a detrimental way because our perceptions/emotions are automatically tied into the reflective, evaluative process. In other words we are able to feel joy/satisfaction proportionally, beyond the scope of immediate gratification, and in relation to others.

As we know pwBPD mirror us. That implies mirroring how we relate to people and things-and in many ways we are their compasses. At some point engulfment sets in and they break away from the compass. When that happens they are adrift in an empty painful place until they attach again. Even then, the attachment often may not be as strong or soothing as the previous one. When adrift that is when they demonstrate how they "care" about "being," and it often is not a pretty picture. Their lack of  reflective, evaluative, contextual processing of emotions almost forces them to utilize unhealthy equipment (maladptive coping tools), leading to horrendous decision making, because without a strong anchor to mirror--their needs are very much self-centered upon immediate gratification to alleviate boredom and pain.

We all objectify to certain degree, but I think that is their de facto emotional/relational state--because without an object to attach to they are empty and in pain. By being attached they are soothed. They can feel love, but cannot process or offer love in a healthy evaluative manner. Eventually the soothing doesn't alleviate the pain and boredom sets in, followed by the dramatic disconnect. Then they move on--rinse and repeat. It's a terrible cycle for all concerned, and more often than not is rooted in childhood abuse. The most tragic aspect is that there are villains in these stories, but then the victims become abusers--and cover that up under a veneer of victimhood.  It's a huge shame based cycle caused by the emptiness--the lack of clearly perceiving the self. Just my opinion.

[TheRoadtoNowhere]

  Hi Buddy, I remember the first time I saw your original post, I remember how devastated you were, I remember because you and I are going thru very much the same thing.  You mentioned earlier, how over the top she was and how you just dont hear about such things... .   I feel the same way brother, Im 47 years old, been married twice, had many many r/s's, but I have NEVER experiences the level of heartlessness and cruelty that I experienced with her abandoning me like she did... . I MEAN, WHO THE F#CK DOES THAT?   And were all in this together, because noone else understands what were going thru, I mean how could anyone even imagine that a person could be capable of such incredible apathy and emotional disconnect unless youve been in a BPD r/s... . I wouldnt wish this on anybody,  Ive come to realize that no matter how long I am removed from her, I will always love her WAY more than I probably should and I will ALWAYS carry the emotional scars of what this woman has done to me and everything I thought I knew.

  You seem alot stronger than you did at the first of the year, or at least, like me, youre getting better at living with all of this pain and confusion and youre faking it, just like me.  I want her back every single day, despite everything Ive read and learned on this site and others.  Man I cant help it, like you, Im absolutely in love with the woman thats slowly killing me!   I know that full and total NC is the best thing to do, but yet everyday, I look at my phone to see if baby has called or emailed me, and everyday my heart breaks just a little bit more because she hasnt. What a dumbass I am!

  PERFIDY, youre right, detaching IS the best answer, I can only pray that by the time she tries to re-engage me, enough time has gone by that Im stronger and maybe somehow Ill able to resist her, Im really scared that every single bit of progress that Ive worked so hard to get to, could be effortlessly swept away with one phone call or one email from her. (shes is a computer/tech gadget genious, so if she did reach out to me, it wouldnt say her name.   I hate that she has so much power over me,... .   I FRICKEN HATE IT!

[myself]

because without an object to attach to they are empty and in pain. By being attached they are soothed.

Conundrum, if you could, please talk about the difference between a pwBPD feeling this way and those of us who are without a r/s, feeling that lack of attachment with someone. By being aware of what we're going through and facing it, we will overcome this? How, by attaching to ourselves?

That's where many of us find ourselves while detaching, feeling alone and in pain. Feeling we'd be soothed if we were back together with our exes, or with someone else. In the meantime, what do we do?

[Conundrum]

because without an object to attach to they are empty and in pain. By being attached they are soothed.

Conundrum, if you could, please talk about the difference between a pwBPD feeling this way and those of us who are without a r/s, feeling that lack of attachment with someone. By being aware of what we're going through and facing it, we will overcome this? How, by attaching to ourselves?

That's where many of us find ourselves while detaching, feeling alone and in pain. Feeling we'd be soothed if we were back together with our exes, or with someone else. In the meantime, what do we do?

Caveat this is a generalization. Codependency can be considered an attachment disorder, but it's not a personality disorder. The codependent has a sense of self--but has delegated nourishing the self in exchange for selfless gratification via an attachment. Codependent's have lost touch with the self. They have trouble being selfish, but the self is still there. By getting back in touch with the self, and respecting the self--the codependent in theory should re-learn that an attachment is not necessary to define one's identity, live a meaningful life, experience pleasure and joy etc. It's a re-awakening of self. Of course, it's nice having a romantic attachment when it's working well and no one enjoys feeling lonely, but the codependent/BPD relationship is for lack of a better phrase--a codependent's wet dream because it feeds into the fantasy that the Co'd is finally good enough for this most awesome person/love in the world. It magnifies everything negative about codependency 1000 fold, and that becomes apparent when the Co'd/BPD relationship destructs. A pwBPD is for a Co'd analogous to IVing meth. The premise that you have to be perfectly romantically attached to live a happy meaningful life is obviously a fallacy, and doesn't require further explanation. Codependent's simply have to learn how to do that again by getting back in touch with their selves.

BPD is entirely different, they fear abandonment on primordial levels way beyond the sadness a Co'd might feel by being alone. Fear of abandonment isn't fear of losing the person they're with. It's fear of being unattached. Without an attachment they are truly alone because their is no self to comfort them. There is no self-identity to soothe them. I imagine it's terrifying. There's's no self to find. It's gone, was violently assassinated. If it's still there at all it takes brilliant therapy, and years of work by the pwBPD to maybe find the part that was lost and reconstitute a whole new integrated personality/identity. That is exceptionally rare.

We're mostly weaning off an addiction to the pwBPD and want a fix. Withdrawal sucks and is painful but we're actually heading in a decent direction.  

A pwBPD more than likely has no decent direction to head to, without brilliant, intensive, life-long help. We certainly couldn't save them, and should never have tried. That desire must always come from within the person  Just my opinion.

[node4]

Conundrum,

First let me say your screen name is awesome. Second this is one the most profound posts I have read. It is an awesome summary, of the dynamic between the BPD, and the codependent. It describes me and "her" to a tee.

Caveat this is a generalization. Codependency can be considered an attachment disorder, but it's not a personality disorder. The codependent has a sense of self--but has delegated nourishing the self in exchange for selfless gratification via an attachment. Codependent's have lost touch with the self. They have trouble being selfish, but the self is still there. By getting back in touch with the self, and respecting the self--the codependent in theory should re-learn that an attachment is not necessary to define one's identity, live a meaningful life, experience pleasure and joy etc. It's a re-awakening of self. Of course, it's nice having a romantic attachment when it's working well and no one enjoys feeling lonely, but the codependent/BPD relationship is for lack of a better phrase--a codependent's wet dream because it feeds into the fantasy that the Co'd is finally good enough for this most awesome person/love in the world. It magnifies everything negative about codependency 1000 fold, and that becomes apparent when the Co'd/BPD relationship destructs. A pwBPD is for a Co'd analogous to IVing meth. The premise that you have to be perfectly romantically attached to live a happy meaningful life is obviously a fallacy, and doesn't require further explanation. Codependent's simply have to learn how to do that again by getting back in touch with their selves.

BPD is entirely different, they fear abandonment on primordial levels way beyond the sadness a Co'd might feel by being alone. Fear of abandonment isn't fear of losing the person they're with. It's fear of being unattached. Without an attachment they are truly alone because their is no self to comfort them. There is no self-identity to soothe them. I imagine it's terrifying. There's's no self to find. It's gone, was violently assassinated. If it's still there at all it takes brilliant therapy, and years of work by the pwBPD to maybe find the part that was lost and reconstitute a whole new integrated personality/identity. That is exceptionally rare.

We're mostly weaning off an addiction to the pwBPD and want a fix. Withdrawal sucks and is painful but we're actually heading in a decent direction. 

A pwBPD more than likely has no decent direction to head to, without brilliant, intensive, life-long help. We certainly couldn't save them, and should never have tried. That desire must always come from within the person  Just my opinion.

[node4]

Can you explain this more? I want to understand what she is going through. I would to know what the hell they are thinking throughout this process. What is going on in their minds?

Without an attachment they are truly alone because their is no self to comfort them. There is no self-identity to soothe them. I imagine it's terrifying. There's's no self to find. It's gone, was violently assassinated.

[buddy1226]

Thank you all very much. This has really helped me. I was going to apologize for having a pity party but you brought your A game so I'm glad I did.

I have to admit that I'm damaged. My life is set way back to what it was before her. I'll be okay. One step at a time I'll be okay. I'm not seeing the lessons to learn yet. I loved, I trusted, I tried like hell to help her. I don't want to be jaded and not do these things again. These are things I like about myself. I've lost my innocence, my confidence. I'll get there. The fact that I'm here surely must account for something...

[santa]

It's far better to "want her back" than to actually have her back.

I promise you that if you get back with this woman, you'll be kicking yourself about it within the first few hours. This is just ruminations playing tricks on you.

I had a dream a couple of nights ago that I was back with my ex and totally upset about it. When I woke up and realized it was just a dream, I felt so relieved.

You didn't go through all this just to go back and wallow in the same mess you were already in. You're not putting yourself back into that.

[myself]

Fear of abandonment isn't fear of losing the person they're with. It's fear of being unattached. Without an attachment they are truly alone because their is no self to comfort them.

Thank you for the reply. It certainly describes what many of us have been through.

I am wondering why the fear of being unattached leads people to become more unattached instead of more attached. Why would someone sabotage that instead of hold onto it? Does it come down to self control? When things are going well, unattaching repeatedly shows it is more harmful, while attaching is more nurturing.

Or is it only seen that way by the non-disordered mind?

[Changingman]

Buddy,

I am amazed by how Myself was 'set to day one' in everyway. I feel like I'm experiencing things for the first time. Awareness of behaviours are emerging daily, today? Addiction to drama. I bumped into a friend who knew her but was my connection. She is so obviously HPD I was constantly saying 'calm down, less drama' she physically twitched at the statement. I was gentle and kept it calm, she got anxious and had to start some drama about her friend leaving. Later I got a 200 word text about how we couldn't have a friendship.

I still feel like the walking wounded, each day a new challenge. Don't want to think about my love for my ex. So destructive of everything, scorched earth policy. Left me dead and then 3 weeks later a girly text to pick up her clothes and stuff... .

.hi sorry not been in touch, really busy at work. I was... . etc

Unreal, like nothing had ever happened. I never contacted her again, I realised she was a pathological lier and I could see a new reality to our 4 years together.

Codependency is a huge issue for me

I thought we could save each other

Instead she purposely destroyed me, I've read this is so she can detach and attach to another.

This is hidious, getting better by inches

[TheRoadtoNowhere]

  Changing man,

  It is so disheartening to see the level of vulnerability we all still share. No matter how long its been for some, we ALL still share the very same afflictions,  i.e. PAIN, LOSS, FEAR and CONFUSION. I read and I watch all the regulars post on these blogs.  You, me, Buddy 1226, Perdify, Moonie 75 and many others, and we are all still "the walking dead".  I watch the "psudo-transformation" of many of us, first, we go from unimaginable grief and sorrow, and as time passes, (with many many hours on this and other sites), we start to discover how and why weve had to go through all of this.  For many, like myself, its a case of being "co-dependent", for others its simply because we fell in love with these folks and either we didnt notice the red flags or we chose to ignore them.

  Either way, I feel like we're ALL just one phone call or email from our BPDex from going back to square one... .

I read how, even after years of "trying to move on", were all still petrified of our ex's calling us or showing up at our door step.  All of this makes me wonder if I will EVER get over her, or if Im destined to carry this "cross" for the rest of my life... . I know the scars are never gonna go away!

  I hope Im wrong about this, have to be wrong, because I cannot keep breaking down every single day. Some how this pain and heartbreak has to get better, it just has to!  I dont know if this is a karma thing, or just another life lesson.  Im trying to look at this from a "growing" aspect, but so far, all I feel is more of the same.  Its been 46 days and I realize this isnt a long time when compared to others on here, but that just shows me that this long, winding road Im on is just beginning. Ive always been a person who believes that the best way to get over someone is to find someone else.  Except that I want NOTHING to do with anyone else, just the thought of being with someone else turns my stomach and SCARES ME to the point of anxiety attacks (that has NEVER happened to me before).  I know that suicide is prevalent in folks with BPD/Bipd, but I wonder what the suicide rate is for us, "non-BPD survivors"?  I cant imagine that we're any better off than those with PD's, with maybe the possible exception that were more "emotionally stable";however, I seriously doubt my own "emotional stability". 

 

[Moonie75]

I don't really like calling myself codependent, it sounds rather too clinical for my liking.

But without denying it's there I can't call myself 'ok' either.

So instead of calling myself codependent, I'm just gonna admit "I'm a d!ck"

With added benefit (unlike codependency) of nobody needing to ask "What does that mean?"

[Perfidy]

TheRoadtoNowhere, I can assure you that it does get better. When you learn more about the complexity of the bond that occurs between a person who is disordered and non, things begin to make sense. We begin to become aligned with reality in our thoughts, feelings, and behavior. The confusion and discomfort come from attempting to sustain a fantasy. It takes time. We go through a process of grieving. We grieve the death of our fantasy. Our hopes and dreams have been shattered. It is painful, I know this. It's hard to return to reality. We suffer until we actively participate in understanding ourselves, especially our need for healing at this point. I know it's hard. It gets better. There is no greater feeling for me than to stand autonomously in reality. I'm not perfect, I never will be. It is better though. I have confidence that it will continue to get better.

[Johnny Alias]

Thank you all very much. This has really helped me. I was going to apologize for having a pity party but you brought your A game so I'm glad I did.

I have to admit that I'm damaged. My life is set way back to what it was before her. I'll be okay. One step at a time I'll be okay. I'm not seeing the lessons to learn yet. I loved, I trusted, I tried like hell to help her. I don't want to be jaded and not do these things again. These are things I like about myself. I've lost my innocence, my confidence. I'll get there. The fact that I'm here surely must account for something...

Hold the line.  I especially like the bit about you thinking she's the oasis that's going to save you from the desert's heat.  But she's not the oasis that will save your life... . SHE IS THE HEAT.  She is the one who is destroying you.  

Thing is when we feel better about some things we often rationalize that we can behave differently or better for that person now that we understand the disorder.  We can say "She's just having a borderline rage. Here's what I do."  

Yeah.  NO.  Untrue.  Just because you're aware a dog has rabies doesn't mean its any less likely to bite you.  Just because you're aware she has BPD doesn't mean you'll be able to fix it.  She's gonna keep drinking, getting high, attacking everyone and everything in her life.  

There are a lot of women out there.  There are.  I'm not saying your'e ready yet or not but you need to know she isn't the end of the line.  When you are ready date more than one so you don't get attached or disappointed when you are rejected or ignored.  Also look for red flags so you can drop one and move to next so you don't get trapped again.  

[Conundrum]

I am wondering why the fear of being unattached leads people to become more unattached instead of more attached. Why would someone sabotage that instead of hold onto it? Does it come down to self control? When things are going well, unattaching repeatedly shows it is more harmful, while attaching is more nurturing.

Or is it only seen that way by the non-disordered mind?

A pwBPD attaches to a soothing object. They mirror and idealize the object of their attachment, which we misconstrue as being an idyllic version of romantic love. That illusion of reciprocal love is presented through mimicry.     

At some point after attaching, and often when we believe things are going just fine--the pwBPD starts becoming assailed by messages from the reptilian/triune brain (almost a primitive calling), thereby creating the persistent niggling feeling (paraphrasing David Byrne), that this is not my beautiful life, "well... . how did I get here?" They feel trapped/engulfed--bored. What previously soothed, now triggers shame (enter being painted black).  They no longer can convince themselves that it isn't a masquerade. They are in crisis mode. Some primitive part of the immature emotionally stuck child wants to grow up. To find an identifiable life path without the burden of being attached to a particular object. Too feel alive. That is when projections reach fever pitch and the final calamities occur in the relationship.

The attachment is severed, but what they fear the most reoccurs, like it always does. Crushing relentless torturous waves--smashing them with painful negative thoughts and feelings--"who am I, I am no one-what am I, I am nothing except my needs, I am worthless"... . Consequently they don't find a new individualized life path and resort to the same maladaptive coping tools that they are familiar with. Shortly, there will be another attachment (or it was acquired prior to the previous relationship ending). Just my opinion.

[node4]

conundrum.

What do you mean here?

"To find an identifiable life path without the burden of being attached to a particular object"

[Learning_curve74]

Caveat this is a generalization. Codependency can be considered an attachment disorder, but it's not a personality disorder. The codependent has a sense of self--but has delegated nourishing the self in exchange for selfless gratification via an attachment. Codependent's have lost touch with the self.

BPD is entirely different, they fear abandonment on primordial levels way beyond the sadness a Co'd might feel by being alone. Fear of abandonment isn't fear of losing the person they're with. It's fear of being unattached. Without an attachment they are truly alone because their is no self to comfort them. There is no self-identity to soothe them. I imagine it's terrifying. There's's no self to find. It's gone, was violently assassinated. If it's still there at all it takes brilliant therapy, and years of work by the pwBPD to maybe find the part that was lost and reconstitute a whole new integrated personality/identity. That is exceptionally rare.

We're mostly weaning off an addiction to the pwBPD and want a fix. Withdrawal sucks and is painful but we're actually heading in a decent direction.  

A pwBPD more than likely has no decent direction to head to, without brilliant, intensive, life-long help. We certainly couldn't save them, and should never have tried. That desire must always come from within the person  Just my opinion.

I think what conundrum writes above strikes at the heart of the differences between the nonBPD partner and the BPD partner. The nonBPD partner loses himself (or herself) in enmeshment with the BPD partner, losing himself in the bonding with the other partner. The BPD partner needs the nonBPD partner to provide identity and attachment like an infant needs its mother for nourishment and basic feeling of existence apart from the pain of being alone and abandoned.

So why does a pwBPD run? They simply do not trust the attachment, like the youngest infants, they never realized that mother is going to return and feel annihilated without her there. It's been said that borderlines can have very strong emotions under the skin, they can react to stressful situations with the primordial "fight or flight" reaction that was key to survival in the stone ages. So when they get stressed, and it may be anything that sets them off due to low emotional resilience and stress tolerance, they rage or run (fight or flight).

It's totally okay to feel like you want her back. You are an adult and get to make adult decisions like whether you really think this relationship is what you truly want for your life. Recognize that you cannot count on her to change, and then if you accept that, then you decide what you can change about yourself. That may be to accept her on an on and off basis, or it may be to accept that you need to detach. You get to decide.

[node4]

What is the primitive brain telling them?

"the pwBPD starts becoming assailed by messages from the reptilian/triune brain (almost a primitive calling), thereby creating the persistent niggling feeling"

But doesn't this still equate to wanting all of the feelings that they are getting from the attachment without the burden of being attached to the very object that is giving them the feeling? The want the high without the work, they want a free emotional ride. The feeling that they are getting from being with someone, but wanting to be able to produce it without the other person or the burden of an attachment... . is that not still a selfish act. Or is that from the fear, or being burned by previous attachments, i.e. parents, sexual abusers? And what is the primitive brain trying to prove by injecting that into the rest of the brain?

Or does the equate to the elementary school childlike crush, a boy likes a girl, and is overwhelmed by the feeling, and punches the girl in the arm, saying I hate that like you.

[TheRoadtoNowhere]

  I certainly lost myself in my BPDexgf, my days would start out wondering what mood she would wake up in, if this was gonna be a "good day" or a "bad day".  There were many days that I would forego things that I either needed to do or wanted to do, just so I could stay home and take care of her.  Even though she was "high-functioning" and a computer genius, there were times when I really felt like something bad would happen if I left her alone.

Every time that I did leave for work, or to go see my daughter (and I couldnt step a foot inside my ex's house or she would have a "come-a-part", no matter what the weather was like), I wondered if she would be there when I returned, or would I come home to an empty house cause she decided to go back to Memphis and her Estranged husband.  Being 47 days removed, Im starting to understand that she probably did me a favor by walking out on me; although, most days, Im still back at square one... .

[Klrskies]

As a 54 year old codependent, this is a remarkable thread for me. First, thank you all with knowledge of the relationship dynamic between a codependent and PD for sharing and thank this forum for making this level of communication possible.

In coming to grips with my own role in my failed relationships it's clear to me that I have little hope of randomly meeting the "right" person where this dynamic wont play out again. That disturbs me and puts the bleak choice in front of me that I need to either abstain from relationships or repair myself.

I went thru therapy for several years back in the 80's and got far enough along to get by, remaining in a troubled marriage for 28 years. After divorcing 8 years ago, my 3 serious relationships have been failures. I'm growing older, the clock is ticking, and I'd hoped to maintain some sort of healthy relationship in my later years. I realize i need to Work on my codependency in order to reach my personal goal. My question is how to actually repair my self? Can one repair themselves without years of therapy? Can the inner child be reparented?

[misssouthernbelle]

As a 54 year old codependent, this is a remarkable thread for me... . I realize i need to Work on my codependency in order to reach my personal goal. My question is how to actually repair my self? Can one repair themselves without years of therapy? Can the inner child be reparented?

I feel the same. At 21, and after an abusive relationship with a psychopath and now this friend/more thing with a pwBPD, I think it's time to step off the codependent train, unless I want to end up damaged beyond repair.  :'(

[Klrskies]

There's a huge difference between coping with the issues of being codependent and being able to perhaps resolve core damage. My early therapy allowed me to function with my PD wife for 28 years. It wasn't something I wish to go thru again, hence my question about doing some personal work on myself, possibly getting down to core issues and becoming more of a whole person at the foundation level -vs- applying patches and coping skills to continue selecting and then enduring dysfunctional relationships like I've been putting myself into my whole life.

The cost of working individually with a therapist who specializes in specific treatment for codependency core issues is prohibitive. Many therapists are counselors versed in helping develop coping skills and cognitive therapy, or couples therapy for rescue from crisis issues in relationships. Im not in a crisis or relationship now and it seems the right thing to do to work on core issues. Im agnostic and don't fit into 12 step programs and I don't view them as core issue resolutifor programs. I think Shari Schreiber has some insight into relationships between PD's and codependents, but her demonizing of borderlines is too harsh for me to remain objective at this time, although it's helpful in the early stages of breaking up with a borderline. Hope someone has delved into core treatment for codependent attachment disorder.

It's amazing how much knowledge is here on this forum! 3 months ago I had no idea what the dynamics of the relationship between a borderline and a codependent were. It may have saved my life by becoming aware. I'd like to take a shot at becoming a more whole person at the foundation level while Im out of any relationship and have the opportunity to engage healthier partners later as a result.