Shot myself in the foot

[Cardinals in Flight]

Hello all in PI

I decided to post here because I really had made progress in detaching in my rs with the XpwBPDgf, until I hadn't.

The holidays were rough, the final spiral for us started couple of months ago prior to my birthday.  I finally said I was done because I was in the midst of he umpteenth silent treatment spread over a three year period.  She wrote back to me several days later as if she were in the drivers seat and basically denied the past few years.  Have been steady NC.

This weekend I was out in the grocery store of all places, store was packed with shoppers preparing for a storm, and I was completely overwhelmed with memories and I texted, OMG, I'm such the emotional cutter!     She did reply a bit later to ask where I was, (purely to satisfy her no doubt), and that was it.

Next day, I very unexpectedly saw her and it was devestating to me, like seeing a complete stranger.  It was my neighborhood, public event, but I never expected to run into her.  I avoid her turf like the plague.  She was not going to speak, but I did say hi, she feigned surprise, with 'oh hi'.  No contact since.

Yesterday I took the time to really sit with my emotions, really dig deep for what was there.  I do love this woman still, I suppose I always will, but at the same time, I was disgusted by this sighting of her and the havoc I allowed her to spread throughout my life.

I guess my point is, compared to when I first came here in Dec. 2011, I've learned a whole lot and made some progress.  My core wounds were ripped open with this woman and for the first time in my entire life, someone made me feel like the princess I truly am  .  Seriously, in the beginning, I did feel unconditionally loved for the first time, sucked it up like a dry sponge.

I think I'm a little bit stronger, I thought on Sunday that I was set back irrepairably, but I feel back on track and for me it's progress.

Hang in there folks, I think there really is light at the end of the tunnel, just gotta get into the tunnel alone to find it.

CiF

[Learning_curve74]

Hey CiF, it sounds like you are making some progress. If you re-read your post, I think you might even find it inspiring.

It sounds like you are learning, healing, and growing. 

[an0ught]

I think emotional invulnerability is an impossible goal. Not even worth reaching considering the side effects that certainly would accompany that.

It is more about emotional resilience. And it sounds you are doing well on that side 

[seeking balance]

You have come a long way CIF - see the positive in the event, because it is there.

Peace,

SB

[Cardinals in Flight]

Well, as far as the entire week has gone, to give it one word? DOOZY 

There's been a major crisis here where I live, many many people affected.  Anyway, long story short, I reached out saying I hoped all was managable.  She has a HUGE responsibilty, which was also a good deal of pressure/stress causing her to stay ramped up, spiral etc.  Today I got a "knight in shinning armor" type visit.  It was awkward, we were both nervous, it did not last long, I was appropriately appreciative.

Big deep breath here.  I am numb, however, I could not gage her at all, she was emotionless in her appearence. I tried to be and think I did well.

I don't believe this will continue though as there seemed zero connection, which is fine to me.  As much as Sunday put me down, I'm relieved to not feel that rush of emotion now.

Sigh  :'(   

Trying to see this as good stuff, to show me I can handle it, I can trust me, I did not break down and cry, which is what I feared when I got the five minute warning shot.

I think I can return to NC and be ok with that, it's always been hardest for me, she's excellent at it, LOL

CiF

[Cardinals in Flight]

You have come a long way CIF - see the positive in the event, because it is there.

Peace,

SB

I think emotional invulnerability is an impossible goal. Not even worth reaching considering the side effects that certainly would accompany that.

It is more about emotional resilience. And it sounds you are doing well on that side 

Hey CiF, it sounds like you are making some progress. If you re-read your post, I think you might even find it inspiring.

It sounds like you are learning, healing, and growing. 

Thank you all so much.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Is it possible to be in the midst of a limited/standoffish/behind the electric fence sort of recyce? 

I know history repeats itself, I'm more detached and going on about my business.  I am stunned, not sure why though after reading so much here over the past two years.  It's not my nature to ignore, but this time I'm playing the part of the feral cat.

Is this a set back? I'm not deluding myself that anything has changed, nothing has... . sigh

CiF

[heartandwhole]

What's happening, CIF? 

[Katy-Did]

"CiF"--Yes, I believe recycling takes on many forms and is often initiated by happenstance encounters.   You reference being "more detached" but "stunned"; and playing the part of "the feral cat" (I love that comparison!)  From what you've shared (and NOT shared), perhaps your X is "sniffing out" your boundaries in a somewhat benign manner---then again, perhaps not.  The focus for those of us in a place of NC/LC is to maintain our boundaries and reflect/work upon our own well-being. 

"Emotional resilience"... . what a challenge!

Take care... .

[Cardinals in Flight]

I'd like to think of myself as resilient.

I'm trying not to read between any lines, trying to tell myself none of the contact (limited, not daily, sporadic) has anything to do with me, at least not in the way I would wish. 

Chump? ever look that up? my picture is there, LOL

I know how this story ends, its a rerun

CiF

[seeking balance]

I'd like to think of myself as resilient.

I'm trying not to read between any lines, trying to tell myself none of the contact (limited, not daily, sporadic) has anything to do with me, at least not in the way I would wish. 

Chump? ever look that up? my picture is there, LOL

I know how this story ends, its a rerun

CiF

I dunno, why does it have to end the same way... . if you have zero expectations... . radical acceptance and boundaries, why not a limited, sporadic version of a friendship?

[Cardinals in Flight]

Honestly? I don't like her very much right now. I get how she is, I can line up in my head how she does others, her very few friends, it's not great, it's very sporadic for sure!

If I can not allow my emotions in, and let my reason mind keep me straight, (snort  ) I can almost remain detached.  NC is definitely the way to go because I was starting to feel better and the FOG was lessening.  It was hard, I missed her presence in my life, but now I realize it was just a space with no substance.  I want more, it won't happen with her.

CiF