Facebook Jealousy/Vengeful Mindset

[guitarguy09]

So my uBPDw no longer has a Facebook account as of last year, but occasionally she will go on mine on my phone to do some stalking of her friends (some are on my list). Up until probably last summer, she knew my password so she could go on anytime. Long story short, she unfriended one of my friends without my knowledge and we had a huge fight and argument one night, and so I changed my password. She has not asked for it since, so can only access it through my phone.

Anyways, there was a couple of friends of hers that she thought she was good friends with in high school that have pretty much shoved her by the wayside after high school. They are both great friends to each other still however. Friend A did not invite my wife to be a part of her wedding, even though she had 8 bridesmaids in her wedding. This was very angering to her as she basically invited every other friend from high school to be a part of the wedding. And being uBPD, you can imagine how she reacted. She sent friend A a few nasty emails asking about why she had the nerve to not invite her to be in the wedding. Anyways, now friend B is going to be getting married coming up this summer. So my wife was on my facebook and making all kinds of remarks to me about them and getting all worked up.

I think her experiences in high school have a lot to do with how she has reacted to my family. I wish she would go and get some counseling, but obviously I can't force her. I just wish she wouldn't go from 0 to 60 so fast when she thinks about her "friends" and how they have left her out to dry. Does anyone else see reactions like this when someone is looking at their facebook?

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[GreenMango]

Yes.  Extreme rejection sensitivity.   It wasn't isolated to Facebook or social media and it included friends, family, and workmates.

How do you handle it?  I found that getting caught in the conflict triangle made things worse, so I tried to not get involved.  Validated the hurt but not the behavior and steered clear of trying to fix it for him - the relationship quality was his business.  If pressed on my opinion -which usually meant 'take my side' I would ask questions like 'what do you want to do?'.  The social relationships were fraught with chaos and antagonism.

I focused on my friends and family instead.  We don't have problems like this.

[guitarguy09]

Glad to hear you are familiar with it too. For me, I empathize with her and tell her that that's how she can tell they are not true friends, that they are not friends for the long haul. I talk about the friends she has in her life now (she has a couple of great ones), and how it's not important in my view to be really popular. I definitely agree, I don't try to get involved and help her solve her relationship problems, but more try to steer her focus towards what is going good in her life.

Of course, nothing she did really helped the relationships, but I figure it's better for her to spend energy on people who live closeby and reciprocate the type of friendship she wants in her life. 

[GreenMango]

Sounds like a good way to handle it.  Staying productive. ... Unfortunately the disorder is characterized by unstable relationships. 

[guitarguy09]

So true. Today she is po'ed at our pastor because he wanted to meet with me one on one and get my perspective on our issues that we are discussing with him about her not getting along with my family. So she's splitting him (and the rest of the church by default) as bad right now. Whoopee frickin' do.

[GreenMango]

It shocked me how fast the isolation of the relationship took hold.  It's real easy to lose sight of staying in other relationships too.  Takes a lot of effort sometimes and not getting swayed by the tantrums and such.  Knowing what's actually going on and looking at the behavior more subjectively helped me depersonalize it and not be caught of guard as much.

Knowledge is power sometimes.

That rejection sensitivity can be pretty profound. 

[guitarguy09]

Update. Monday night came around and she was in a lot better spirits. She just wants to know what I will talk to the pastor about. I will tell her everything I think I can without triggering her. I think I have a pretty good grasp on that now.