Do I have BPD?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello. After everything that has happened after all the pain, suffering, drama, confusion and research, I feel I might be a person with a personality disorder. A lot of the characteristics explained |I demonstrate. Other than I long for her, never cheated, never raged on her but I identify with many others. Also I do not jump from rs to rs. I have empathy and compassion, yet I do feel not myself and crazy in a lot of aspects... Thanks

[Rojo]

Hello. After everything that has happened after all the pain, suffering, drama, confusion and research, I feel I might be a person with a personality disorder. A lot of the characteristics explained |I demonstrate. Other than I long for her, never cheated, never raged on her but I identify with many others. Also I do not jump from rs to rs. I have empathy and compassion, yet I do feel not myself and crazy in a lot of aspects... Thanks

[Surnia]

Hi Rojo

I am so sorry to hear you are not feeling well and questioning your own mental wellbeing. 

I reread your first posts, your situation was and is really tough, you have had big losses - so, being self confident and happy needs time. And many of us are questioning themselves - I was there too.

Did something happened lately that made things worse for you?

Perhaps you can describe a bit more about "feeling crazy in a lot of aspects"?

We care about your, Rojo.

[Moselle]

Hi Rojo,

You must feel very confused, lonely and lost.

I can empathise because I was there asking myself the same questions 5 weeks ago. I had been told by my spouse that I had all sorts of things wrong with me. I researched a qualified therapist and had a full psychological assessment done.

I had nothing of what I was accused of, but I was diagnosed with co-dependence.

I guess what I'm saying is, a qualified therapist more than anyone is able to answer your question.

But I wish you all the support and strength as you grapple with this.

Regards,

Moselle

[Rojo]

Thanks Im crying as writing. Im just isolated alone and drinking today. As far as has anything happened recently, nothing other than I don't see my son and I am not taking care of myself. Just hearing a response has left me crying, what the heck... . sorry and thank you... .

[Popcorn71]

I think it may be common to feel this way.  We have been through so much that we doubts ourselves now.  A couple of weeks ago I really thought I had BPD.  I was convinced of it.  Now I occasionally wonder, but doubt that I do.  I read a lot on here and it helps enormously.  Things are starting to make sense to me now.

Have faith in yourself and by all means look at how you can improve, but as I was told - if you ask that question, then you don't have BPD because they can't look at themselves in that way.

[myself]

When I spoke with my T about very similar feelings, she told me it's normal to experience such doubts when a r/s breaks up. Add a PD into the mix and it's x100. Were you feeling this way before the r/s, or in other relationships? Sorting through the facts and distortions will take time, but you will gradually see yourself for who you are. Much of this is only temporary while grieving. No one here can diagnose you, but a good therapist can help. Are you seeing one, or is it possible for you to begin to?

[Rojo]

I am seeing a holistic healer, and spiritual therapist as it were. Everything makes sense intellectually, yet emotionally lost. In other relationships I know I feared closeness, I know Ive had depression for years, but this one , this relationship, has brought me to my knees.

[Surnia]

Rojo


its so tough that you cannot se your son! This is heartbreaking.

Its good your are reaching out her and telling  us about your pain.

[bustedstuff]

Hi Rojo

I've wondered about the state of my mental stability since the beginning of my relationship with my BPD girlfriend, as well. I know for me, that before I learned about my SO's BPD, I would almost adopt some of her behaviors as a defensive mechanism or a way to prove a point to her. I've since stopped doing that, but sometimes I still feel as if I may have really taken on some of the fears she projects on me.

Seeing a therapist has helped me greatly. Have you talked to yours about your concern?

What was different about this relationship vs your previous ones?

[Rojo]

The difference in this relationship was probably suddenly I was a hero. One to save us both, even though I knew I was hurt inside. She adored me, I was put on a pedestal, that is what I am addicted to I think. I wonder where that went, why did she slowly start hating me? I loved her, I was not perfect by any means, but I know I gave love, support, and affection. 

Now my son is being used for vindictive intentions, I have been drinking A Lot... . yes, but not with my son and im asking for supervised visits. I doi not have the money anymore for a lawyer... .

[Rojo]

The thing about spiritual healers is they teach love and forgiveness, ITS NOT HER FAULT, but I feel so slighted and really pissed off... .

[bustedstuff]

I understand exactly what you mean. The fiery passion does really seem addictive to me, too. I think I thrive off of that sort of intense emotion, as unhealthy as that may be.

I'm so sorry to hear that, it must be really hard to not be able to see your son when you want. If your SO has been diagnose with BPD and is using your son to manipulate the situation or she is manipulating him, do you think you should try to fight for custody? I'm not entirely certain of this since my relationship doesn't involve children or the like, but I wonder if being raised primarily by a BPD parent could be detrimental to his emotional wellbeing. I know you said you couldn't afford a lawyer, but there may be other ways to approach a custody situation, I'm not sure. But I bet there are plenty of people here who could give you more insight on that than me!

Have you considered seeing a psychotherapist instead of a spiritual healer? They should have a lot of insight on the ins and outs of relationships involving borderline partners.

[Rojo]

The thing is, I look horrible ATM. So mangled from the experience that no judge would side in my favour. I abused drugs and heavy drinking this summer that its so easy for me to be the "bad" guy. Ive lost jobs due to this, so support payments have stopped. On paper, Its really bad.

The love for my child is without question. Yet I need a third party to contact her to see him and its always No. As well, when you mention her as BPD as the mother I fear for HIS well being, when she claims she is afraid for me to have him.

Yes, someone who drinks should not watch over children. !00% agreed. What other people do not understand is I fear for my sons safety in another way. Ive seen her abuse, I fear my son might be subjected to things so subtle that even voicing it to anyone looks crazy and manipulative on my end... .

[Surnia]

You can change this, Rojo. Its never too late.

Reach out for real life support, I think like busted stuff, that a spiritual healer is probably not the kind of support for your situation.

Little steps - for yourself and for your son. Hang in there, Rojo.

[bustedstuff]

I'm no lawyer or therapist, of course, but I think if you were to seek out professional help for your past/current substance abuse issues and document every step you take towards becoming a "more fit" father for your son, as well as documenting instances of when you feel as if your SO is using your son as a pawn, manipulating him, etc., you may be able to work towards a better custody situation. If she has a formal diagnosis, I'm sure that could help in supporting your claims that you are worried about your sons wellbeing.

It's at least worth doing a little research on! Like Surnia said, it's never too late. Don't give up!

[Rojo]

Thank you... .

[Tausk]

Thank you... .

Rojo:

I'm so sorry.  You're words are like my auto biography, as well as many of the people on this board.  I'm glad your are here.  There are many people and resources that can provide help.

I'm in AA/NA. I've been in recovery from that for twenty years, but this BPD was a new one for me. And, I know that I could never have been able to deal with the issues of my interaction with my ex wBPD, unless I was sober.  

Do you think you need to seek help for the drinking?  It's a hard question, and one that is outside the scope of this board.  But if your answer is yes, then there a many people in an AA/NA that will support and guide you.   Al Anon will also help with the codependency issues.

Also, if you live in the States or Western Europe, there are usually public mental health resources available for counseling, depression, family conflict, alcohol dependency issues... .

Stay on the board and share, share and read.  And i would say, look for other resources of support as well.  We begin by asking for help.  Congrats on your courage to post.  Thanks you.

[Rojo]

Thank you all for your support. It is not easy right now and I appreciate any support I have received. I also feel for all of you. None of us would be here if there were not pain, hurt, in one way or another. As well, I have tried AA/Na it just doesn't suit me |I suppose. And yes maybe a more specia;lized therapist might be the right choice.

It is hard to find one that is qualified in these sorts of matters, especially financially viable as well... thank you to all.

Peace and love... .

[arn131arn]

Rojo,

I broke down in tears reading your thread here.  Please know you are not alone.  I am in the same exact shoes that you are in.

let me know if there is anything I can do for you.  Take care of yourself, quit drinking for you, and only you.  Good things will come.

My BPDex has used my drinking against me for years, she has used my bad behavior against me for years, was the olympic gold medalist in Triangulation.

The best thing I have ever heard on this board was "If she is good at tringulation, then don't give them anything to triangulate about."

[drxap]

I have struggled with self-identity and self-worth during and after my BPD relationship. My exBPDgf actually convinced me at one point that I was BPD and that I was abusive.

It takes a lot of processing to understand the true reality of the situation. I have had issues with substance abuse since the breakup, but the days that I manage to focus on positive habits have been my only happy days.

[Surnia]

  Rojo,

how are you doing today?

[nolisan]

Welcome to the family.

WRT to your question. ":)o you have BPD?" That seems to be a common one when we have been in a r/s with a pwBPD.

Well there are many Personality Disorders - Paranoid, Schizoid, Schizotypal, Antisocial, Borderline, Histrionic, Narcissistic, Avoidant, Dependent, and Obsessive-Compulsive. An everyone has some traits of one or more of these - there is a continuum from none to full blown. Only a qualified mental health worker can give a trusted diagnosis - even these can vary from different professionals. Mental health is not a "hard science".

Here is a quick quiz to assess yourself - remember it is just a quiz. www.similarminds.com/personality_disorder.html

I score higher than average in B, N and HPD.

When I did the quiz "for" the ex - yikes, she was full blown B and NPD. Add those to my scores and trouble was assured.

I know now that my brokenness attracted her and her brokenness attracted me. Problem is that broke + broke don't = fixed.