Just when I thought we had buried the beast.

[adrift2]

Life with N-BPD "Witch" Mother had been much improved. She (nearly 70 yrs old) finally settled into a comfortable marriage and lifestyle with her "flying Monkey" second husband.  Over the past year or so she has been (with my help) made great strides to repair many long standing family rifts she created. Her husband (bless his heart has had a really heart breaking past :'( ) and I have managed to have a few nice moments and I think he finally took the blinders off and feels bad for some of his past actions towards me.

The one positive thing to come of a childhood fraught with distortion campaigns is that I am huge newsletter writer, Christmas card sender, picture taker, scrapbooker, Facebooker. Mother did none of that, hell she's tore up more family pictures and Christmas cards than she ever took or sent.

Mom once brought a camera to my HS graduation. Taking photos of me with my best friend... . then casually remarking later on that there was no film in the camera. That photo would have been the only one is existence of me with my best friend of 3 yrs who kept me sane and unwittingly showing me what a normal family could be  during HS. 

When I travel anywhere my digital camera is always in my pocket. I have made several trips to visit Mom and Step Dad the past year and true to form snapped a way. I took a nice photo of them at Christmas party we were attending and offered to have it made into a Christmas card for them to send out. Her husband was blown away. He also made several requests that certain photos I was taking be shared to other family members. It seemed out of character for him at the time.

This past month they have had some wonder opportunities to have some adventures and also spend time with his son and grandchildren (who again they are trying to repair fractured relationships with.) Step Dad  insisted Mom bring along her digital camera. She'd been snapping photos for the past two weeks, then they excitedly went to the drug store to have them printed out... . and viola' the cameras chip was missing. Wasn't she reviewing the photos as she was taking them    She loves to say that technologically is beyond her... . but mind you she was an administrative secretary with Microsoft training.

Needless to say her poor husband, who has suffered more than his fair share of family disappointments is beyond devastated to have lost a tangible record these irreplaceable moments. Of course Mom is telling anyone and everyone about this little boo boo of hers.   The beast is back. 

[Sitara]

Oh the pity ploy. I don't know how you can miss not having a memory card.  If the photos aren't recording the screen usually gives you an error message.  I also wonder how they never learn from their mistakes when they do the same repetitive error. Sorry to hear that you're having trouble after thinking things were getting better. 

[Legacymaker]

Adrift,

The camera must be just another one of those "triggers", for many of our BPD family member.  I too am an avid scrapbooker, photographer and the keeper of memories.  It was (just one) of the many things my (70 year old) mother spewed against me during her last rage.  She accused me of only taking photos to make my life look good.  This was after I had just handed her a beautiful album, from our last Christmas together.  The only photos she has, to document the past 30 years, I have taken.  She likes to play martyr about why there are few childhood photos of me.  She claims they couldn't afford the film.  There are hundreds of photos of our family trips though, all images of rock formations 

[itsnotme]

Funny thing about photos. The only video I have of my childhood is on an old 8mm film. I'm only 36, you would think I would have some film of myself.  Anyway this one tape was my grandfathers and when he passed away it was given to her. I repeatedly asked her to give it to me so that I could pay to have it transfered onto a DVD. What did that nasty woman do? She left it in her hot car the day after I asked her for it. Of course it was ruined. No film of my childhood left.

She never took pictures of me. The few pictures I do have are either from grandparents or from her ex husband. To make things worse the pictures I'm in I always have this frown on. Even at an early age like 7 or 8. Looking at them is so painful.

[adrift2]

Thank you Sitara, Legacy and Itsnotme.

Your understanding of this matter helps me sort out my overwhelming feelings on this subject. I know I drive my husband's family nuts with my obsessive photo taking. I was always foraging thru our kids rooms for art projects, ticket stubs, programs, award ribbons, trinkets of any thing they participated in to try to save the happy memory for them. I guess I did a great job on that because now they could care less about their past or the scrapbooks I have.  

Today is a difficult day. I have been living in a panacea of family happiness planning my next trip to visit them in their activity filled sunny retirement community. My emotional bags   are stuffed full, Mom is giving me the silent treatment because I told her I had not bought my tickets yet after she told me about the memory card incident.  

[Legacymaker]

adrift2,

Don't dispare about your kids attachment to their albums.  I remember having similar feelings just a couple of years ago.  How old are your children?  Mine are almost 27, 24 and 21. They are all boys.  My oldest has just started attaching to his albums.  I gave him a birthday album for his 25th.  He asked me to keep it until he was "settled".  He already owned his first home, so I considered that he was ;-)  Anyway, it was the first thing that he wanted to show his new girlfriend when she recently visited our house.  They'll come around!

Just a thought on your not purchasing your tickets... . is it because of the memory card incident, or because you would really rather not go on the trip? 

What can you control to make yourself feel better?  Now that you have a better understanding of things, you do not have to function in the F.O.G. (fear, obligation or guilt) mode any more!  Do what is good for you and your family.

[DontPanic]

Wow, my ex (diagnosed BPD) took pictures all the time, I cant count how many times she would force the kids to pose for pictures they had no desire to be part of. She would often yell at them (our kids and others) , then insert herself into the picture so that it looked like everyone was happy. oddly, I dont think any of the kids were happy, they just didnt want to be yelled at anymore...

[adrift2]

You are right Legancymaker, they do come around eventually. My DS is 26, his GF and her Mom were interested in seeing his old pictures. He (in front of his GF) actually asked us the other day what his name would have been if he had been a girl and what name is sister 24 would have been had she been a boy... . I was floored, I did not think his brain functioned in that capacity. 

My Mother just sent an email so I guess I am off her "list".   

":)on't Panic", I am sure my picture taking is rooted in a mild case of OCD, hopefully it is not a borderline personality disorder. I seldom like to in any pictures. I just prefer seeing my loved ones enjoying pleasant family get together, natures beauty or peoples creativity. I am sorry that your children do not have happy expressions on their faces when your ex took their photos.   

[Legacymaker]

adrift 2,

My middle child will only allow 3 photos in any one location!  Most of these will be of him pulling a face or standing on his head, he's really goofy and playful and I just photograph him this way!

Don't worry about taking too many pics (unless it is your kids saying so, then you might need to honor their personal boundries).

I believe in teaching people to record their lives and eventually went on to open a large scrapbook store.  Unfortunately I had to close after 6 years, due to the recession.

I do admit that my documentation of my childrens lives is more than most parents. I have an album a year, which documents our family time and all holidays etc. and then each son has 16 albums of his own (these are themed to their various accomplishments, birthdays etc). I feel that we have led a very purpose driven life.  We wanted our kids to experience everything.  We have travelled extensively with them, exposed them to every kind of sport and cherished them and their personal accomplishments.  They have been amazing people and I do not want to miss or forget one single moment!  I have never regretted documenting the journey (hence my username)!  These photos and my journalling bring to mind so many good memories.  Now that we are "empty nesters, looking back through the years is one of the things that brings us happiness".  The difference between my childhood images and my children's, is that my kids are always smiling!

I hated that my mother chose this particular subject to attack, in her latest rage. It has tainted my feelings on taking pictures.  Photography, my writing, my husband and children are about as close to pure joy that I can come!

What did your mother's email say?  Why are you "off the list"? Are you feeling okay about this?

[delaney]

My mother takes tons of pictures. It's part of her whole disrespect of anyone's boundaries. She will take them and pay then on Facebook or sore then to whoever she wants without regard for how we feel about it. I told her I waved no picture of me in labor or giving birth. Only pictures after. I was very clear on this. She managed to take one picture anyway when I was in so much pain I wouldn't protest. I look horrible in the picture and I hate it, 12 years later. Then she took a bunch of pictures after which I'm fine with but then several years ago she posted them on Facebook a couple weeks after I ranted that one of me pet peeves was p eople posting unattractive pictures of other people without their permission. No one looks good moments after giving birth. Those pictures were private. I was so upset I called her up demanding she take them down and she did. Last thanksgiving she wasn't there but wanted us to take a bunch of pictures and show her. She wanted me to make everyone pose for a bunch. I had had a baby two weeks before, my sister was cooking frantically because I was recovering from surgery, my brothers were busy watching the football game. No, I was not going to make everyone drop what they were doing and stand around for pictures for someone who wasn't there and always begs for pictures then acts completely disinterested in seeing them.