Does she have BPD? I feel like early red flags

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello,

I started dating this girl about 5 months ago and thought at first things were moving very quickly. She professed she was in love within a month. I recently came across some articles about narcissism / BPD and she could fit the bill. I don't want to make any harsh decisions now but here is the info I have:

I recently found out that 2 weeks before we started dating, she was on holiday with her ex boyfriend. As soon as we started dating, she immediately changed her relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship" and started posting pictures of us everywhere (Fb, Instagram etc)... . this happened on the first weekend we started dating.

I believe he left her after their holiday, and sometimes I wonder if she is not using me to make him jealous. She can be very loving but will also be extremely distant at some times (at first I thought it was just her way of being). Also, every time we go out, she rarely offers to pay. She can be a bit haughty sometimes, but I guess anyone can be, or they are just in a bad mood right ?

I don't feel I am being abused for NOW... . but I am wondering if this is not because she is the honneymoon / idealization phase. She tags me on every post and posts all pictures of us publicly on Facebook as if she was trying to get his attention (they are no longer friends on Fb). Also, I recently noticed that she checks up on him on social media. They are no longer friends but she is definitely still snooping... .

I know some narcissists / BPD can go to great lengths when they seek revenge and somehow I am wondering if she is not using me for this and will discard me as soon as she finds someone more "suitable".

I couldn't help but look at his profile and I realize she takes me to places where they have been before together. She snaps pictures of us there, then posts them.

She also dresses very provocatively (which I know is one of their traits). Lastly, she keeps posting pictures of her she took when she was on holidays with him (he is not on the pictures, but she took them there). Is this triangulation?

Any insight? She is very loving right now, gives me a LOT of attention but I am wondering if I am not being groomed for something nasty. Or maybe she finally getting over him? In any case, as far as I am concerned, she always treats me nicely... . but yes I feel there is something going behind my back, she wasn't very active on those sites before we dated... . and suddenly she publicizes everything.

Any insights?

Please be aware that I am not making harsh judgments. I am just trying to piece things together. I may be wrong and like I said, I am not making harsh decisions at the moment.

[jp84]

Hello,

I started dating this girl about 5 months ago and thought at first things were moving very quickly. She professed she was in love within a month. I recently came across some articles about narcissism / BPD and she could fit the bill. I don't want to make any harsh decisions now but here is the info I have:

I recently found out that 2 weeks before we started dating, she was on holiday with her ex boyfriend. As soon as we started dating, she immediately changed her relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship" and started posting pictures of us everywhere (Fb, Instagram etc)... . this happened on the first weekend we started dating.

I believe he left her after their holiday, and sometimes I wonder if she is not using me to make him jealous. She can be very loving but will also be extremely distant at some times (at first I thought it was just her way of being). Also, every time we go out, she rarely offers to pay. She can be a bit haughty sometimes, but I guess anyone can be, or they are just in a bad mood right ?

I don't feel I am being abused for NOW... . but I am wondering if this is not because she is the honneymoon / idealization phase. She tags me on every post and posts all pictures of us publicly on Facebook as if she was trying to get his attention (they are no longer friends on Fb). Also, I recently noticed that she checks up on him on social media. They are no longer friends but she is definitely still snooping... .

I know some narcissists / BPD can go to great lengths when they seek revenge and somehow I am wondering if she is not using me for this and will discard me as soon as she finds someone more "suitable".

I couldn't help but look at his profile and I realize she takes me to places where they have been before together. She snaps pictures of us there, then posts them.

She also dresses very provocatively (which I know is one of their traits). Lastly, she keeps posting pictures of her she took when she was on holidays with him (he is not on the pictures, but she took them there). Is this triangulation?

Any insight? She is very loving right now, gives me a LOT of attention but I am wondering if I am not being groomed for something nasty. Or maybe she finally getting over him? In any case, as far as I am concerned, she always treats me nicely... . but yes I feel there is something going behind my back, she wasn't very active on those sites before we dated... . and suddenly she publicizes everything.

Any insights?

Please be aware that I am not making harsh judgments. I am just trying to piece things together. I may be wrong and like I said, I am not making harsh decisions at the moment.

[buddy1226]

I'm not liking the way this smells, jp... How long did they date? And changing the relationship status that fast is not cool IMHA... The hot/cold thing resonates with me. My ex was like that even during the idealization phase but the hot was way more present at that time. My ex NEVER paid for anything. I haven't a single thing she ever gave me and I was married to her.

I'd say it;s good that you are aware this early and keep your eyes open. Stay one here and get feedback. I hope this works out well, man.

[jp84]

Thank you. I am definitely keeping my eyes open and looking forward to hearing more feedback!

[Surnia]

Hi jp84

mh, yes, I see some early flags too. It goes fast, taking you to places she was with ex before, mood swings... .

5 month are not a very long time and I realize you are quite aware of red flags and you know something about BPD. Are you familiar with it through a prior relationship? I hope you don't mind me asking this.

[DiamondSW]

Yes, red flat here is definitely the paying bit.

At the start of my relat with BPDexgf I was expected to pay for everything... . she'd walk into a supermarket, pick whatever she'd want for her dinner and then stand by the self service hiter waiting for me to put a £20 note into the machine.

At the start of the relationship it really annoyed me but the idealisation phase was so sweet.  At the end she did try to pay for things and in all fairness became more aware of money -but by then, the financial side of our relationship was the least of my worries. 

Be careful, sounds dodgy to me. 

[Aussie0zborn]

JP, good work on identifying the red flags. I think the replies you have had so far are way too kind and gentle. Every sentence you typed contains a red flag. I would suggest taking note of each one and not excusing it because of the  idealisation you are receiving and how you would like the relationship to pan out.

Firstly, it's not cool that the relationship status is immediately updated. It's not cool to go from one relationship to another in two weeks. With the benefit of hindsight I can tell you that you could have been ANYBODY - she just needed somebody to fill the vacant spot and you came along at that time. There is nothing special about you for her, you are a willing partner and that's all she needed. When her needs change, her partner will change too.

It is not cool for her to be interested in her ex in any way.  You are wise to have picked up on all these things now put that wisdom to good use before you really get hooked and lose yourself because in the end you will get no thanks from her and you will lose the ability to act on these things and do something for yourself.

Go with your gut feeling. If it seems wrong, it is. Don't question yourself or bend boundaries. And above all, she's not worth it so be sure to protect yourself. At this stage, running as fast as you can is the best protection.

[buddy1226]

Great post aussie... It's amazing how the idealization phase will make you overlook tons of red flags. Looking back I was used as a pawn for all sorts of reasons... It's sick. Get out jp. It get awful. If someone had told me how bad it gets I would not have believed them but the fact that you are hear looking for answers means you are smarter than me. Good luck man.