Hi pink_heart44,
I'm sorry to hear you were treated this way growing up but good for you that you've find ways to work on your healing. Looking at myself I also feel that improvement can still be made but I also see that I've come a long way.
I've noticed that I have a very hard time with holding a conversation. Growing up I was constently yelled and screamed at so I just shut down as a way to cope with it. So I didn't really talk that much. So those skills weren't developed. (talking never got me anywhere with my mother... . )
When I think of my mother this often comes to mind: “She can't be reasoned with" When I was younger I even wrote a poem with a similar title describing how hard I found it living alone with a single mother who just couldn't be reasoned with. I kept trying but it was so frustrating not getting anywhere with her and not seeing any positive changes in her.
I've also noticed that I have a really hard time trusting people and opening up to people. i just build up walls. I could never trust my mother, she was always so unpredictable. It was hard to keep up with.
I think this is very common in 'survivors of the BPD-war'. The persons who were supposed to protect and guide us were in fact our worst enemies so I understand why you've had such a hard time trusting others. If we can't even trust our own mothers, who can we trust... . Something I also found difficult dealing with is that not only did I have a hard time trusting others, I also found it very difficult to trust myself. I wasn't sure if I would be able to handle it when other people mistreated me cause when I was younger I wasn't able to handle my mother's erratic behavior at all. Now I see that I was just a kid and basically powerless but I still find it difficult to shake these feelings. But just like you I have improved and am still improving! It's a work in progress... . the most important work I've ever done.
