BPD mother and interpresonal relationships...

[pink_heart44]

So I've been thinking a lot latley about my own relationships with those close to me (significant other, friends ect.) and how growing up with a uBPD mother has impacted me and how I manage these kind of relationships.

I've noticed that I have a very hard time with holding a conversation. Growing up I was constently yelled and screamed at so I just shut down as a way to cope with it. So I didn't really talk that much. So those skills weren't developed. (talking never got me anywhere with my mother... . )

I've also noticed that I have a really hard time trusting people and opening up to people. i just build up walls. I could never trust my mother, she was always so unpredictable. It was hard to keep up with.

These are things that I have improved on over the years but I feel like there is still improvment to be made. I was wondering if any of you feel the same way or have had similar experiences and how you have learn to overcome them for the sake of your relationships.

[Kwamina]

Hi  pink_heart44,

I'm sorry to hear you were treated this way growing up but good for you that you've find ways to work on your healing. Looking at myself I also feel that improvement can still be made but I also see that I've come a long way.

I've noticed that I have a very hard time with holding a conversation. Growing up I was constently yelled and screamed at so I just shut down as a way to cope with it. So I didn't really talk that much. So those skills weren't developed. (talking never got me anywhere with my mother... . )

When I think of my mother this often comes to mind: “She can't be reasoned with" When I was younger I even wrote a poem with a similar title describing how hard I found it living alone with a single mother who just couldn't be reasoned with. I kept trying but it was so frustrating not getting anywhere with her and not seeing any positive changes in her.

I've also noticed that I have a really hard time trusting people and opening up to people. i just build up walls. I could never trust my mother, she was always so unpredictable. It was hard to keep up with.

I think this is very common in 'survivors of the BPD-war'. The persons who were supposed to protect and guide us were in fact our worst enemies so I understand why you've had such a hard time trusting others. If we can't even trust our own mothers, who can we trust... . Something I also found difficult dealing with is that not only did I have a hard time trusting others, I also found it very difficult to trust myself. I wasn't sure if I would be able to handle it when other people mistreated me cause when I was younger I wasn't able to handle my mother's erratic behavior at all. Now I see that I was just a kid and basically powerless but I still find it difficult to shake these feelings. But just like you I have improved and am still improving! It's a work in progress... . the most important work I've ever done.

[P.F.Change]

This is a great topic, pink_heart44.

I have struggled to trust also, sometimes to the point of becoming quite isolated. As a child, I needed to keep my true thoughts and feelings to myself in order to cope. If I shared them, they were likely to be criticized or used against me. The childhood message that no one is safe and even the people who love you the most might betray you at any moment definitely followed me into adulthood. Building up walls was a good defense against pain from the outside, but it also kept out the good things that relationships bring.

Things have gotten better for me. I have done a lot of work in T and find the world a more inviting than threatening place now for the most part. I realized I want to open up and invite other people into my life more, I want to have deeper relationships. So I have made some practical efforts to ramp that up. I try to spend time with friends that live here, and call or go visit the people I love and miss that live elsewhere. I am not an extrovert by any means, but do what I can to try to get to know the people I work with a little bit at a time. I have discovered I feel more connected with people and the world around me, and I trust myself to be able to handle it even if others let me down.

What things have helped you so far? What risks are you willing to take to improve the rest?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[pink_heart44]

I have made a point to try and open up more. To realize that there are things that my mother put me through that have really effected me and that I need to try and move past it. That I can't let my past control me.

I have found someone that truely loves me and has helped me through all these issuse. He knows the kind of person my mother is and he is always there for me if she pulls anything.

I guess it's all about coming to terms with your past and finding people who truley understand and will be there for you to help rebuild your faith and trust in people. It takes baby steps but is doable.

[WildWoman]

I have struggled to trust also, sometimes to the point of becoming quite isolated. As a child, I needed to keep my true thoughts and feelings to myself in order to cope. If I shared them, they were likely to be criticized or used against me.

Exactly. It took me several therapists until I found one who could help me learn to expect the best intentions rather than the worst intentions from potential friends asking intimate questions as a way to learn about me.  I was always so on guard,  I didn't realize that an open dialogue is part of friendship.  I still have to work at relationship building in a way that is purposeful,  but at least I am comfortable with the work.  I wish I had learned earlier in life how to make friends though,  as I envy the natural ability I see in others to develop long lasting relationships.