Why do I keep the door open a crack?

[Stjarna]

I have been separated from my exuBPDh since April 2013. Divorce is final. All children are adults. I have a new relationship that is evolving into something that feels pretty wonderful. We really shouldn't have any reason for contact, but somehow I cannot seem to maintain NC.

I have asked him to please leave me alone and let me heal. He will be quiet for a few days and then will text something about me being his "only true love," and begging for me to ":)on't let us die."  I give in and give him more or less unemotional but still kind replies (we WERE married for 40 years, after all, and so I feel the bond that we had us not going to disappear in a day... . or at least that is what I told myself at first... . now it's turning into months).

The text conversations always go downhill, in that whenever he does not get his desired response, which is me leaving my current relationship and running back to him, then he starts in with the insults, comparing me to his current girlfriend, telling me how much less educated I am than she is and how much more emotionally stable she is, yet he doesn't really love her like he loves me. 

I see the dysfunctional pattern so clearly, so I guess I have to ask myself why I do this to myself over and over. I still care about him and he can evoke tears from me still with his begging (though perhaps a little less and less as time goes on).  

Is NC the total answer for many more months? I have blocked his phone and texts at different times, I think the longest was about 3 weeks, but I still get communication indirectly from one of my adult kids, and they beg me to unblock him so they are not put in the middle, do I always relent and unblock. He also is very suicidal and has had a few serious attempts in the past few months, and I guess I still feel like it will be the very last straw if he cannot reach me at all, and I do not want to live with that.

I'm finding trouble (well of course... . doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the problem here) moving forward with my new relationship with all of this push/pull going on, and I know I probably shouldn't even be in one, but it happened and either needs to move forward to something that could be really wonderful, or perhaps I just need to get away from all humans for a bit until I get these feelings unraveled. 

Reading these boards and all of your stories has helped me so much.  If anyone has any insight on what worked for you in this detachment process, I am listening.

[Surnia]

Hi Stjarna

40 years were a really long marriage, so I think in a way it would be natural to have some contact. The problem is that he does not seems to respect your new relationship... .

What about keeping the contact as long as he is respecting the new relationship, the fact that you are not longer a couple?

That he is suicidal, is a challenge.

Can you speak with your children about this? So that it is not only your burden?

[Cumulus]

Hi stjarna, I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in. I too had a very long marriage and I know how those habits of caring and looking out for a disordered spouse  run deep. His being suicidal would be for me the difficult aspect of detaching. Have you considered talking to a professional and getting advice on how to deal with that? It seems too great a burden for one person to feel they carry the life of another in their hands. He has burdened you with this care, for whatever reason or purpose. 

As to the adult children, how are they feeling put in the middle? Do you listen to what they are telling you their father wants or needs? If you are listening to your children talk about him that is still contact. Creating new family dynamics is just as hard when a family breaks up with adult children as it is with young children. I really think it may be harder, I've looked for some research on that but haven't found any. Wishing you well. Cumulus.

[Stjarna]

Thank you do much for your replies, Cumulus snd Surnia. Thank you for your kind understanding. 

To answer some of your questions, when he cannot get through to me, he just bombards one daughter, in particular with questions about me and information he wants passed on to me. She is very good about not relaying any of this to me, but after a couple of weeks of this, she just asks me to please unblock him because she does not want to deal with him any more. She is worried about his mental state too, and tries to remain a source of support for him so does not tell him to quit contacting her because she is afraid for him.

I have also tried to ask him to remain respectful in his communications, and yes, that has been somewhat successful. He still throws a few barbs now and then, but they seem to be getting milder as time goes on. So, maybe there's hope.

I guess the communications that hurt the worst are the fairy tale ones where he says that we were meant to bond forever, and the sentimental ones where he is dredging up some of his happier memories and wishing we could get back together. He has way more happy memories than I do, as I'm sure some of you can relate to. Just hard to work through all of my sadness for him while planning a happy life for myself... . just still something incongruent about it all yet. Actually, just typing this out has helped me today. He is busy on a trip to California to see old friends, so I have a break from his texts for a bit.

I did have counseling all last year, which helped a great deal. Now with the new year and high deductible insurance, I haven't had any, but it might be a good idea to bite the bullet and pay for some.

Thanks again, so much.

[Stjarna]

Spell check likes to change the word "so" to "do" for some strange reason, and I'm typing on my iPhone and didn't catch them all!

[LettingGo14]

Thank you for writing your notes.  They helped me illuminate my own situation.  I am at the end (finally) of a 4-year relationship that cycled four or five times, and ended around Thanksgiving 2013, though I have been unable to maintain NC (and that's my fault... . )

I want to do what your ex- can't do.  I want to let go.  I want to move on with my life.   Thank you for writing what you wrote.   It helps me see why NC is the only answer for us.   

Sending you lots of light.

[Carter]

I would like to share something about someone with suicidal tendencies or threats of suicide,

I only discovered about BPD when I googled "suicide threats and depression".

This is an especially hard thing to do for oneself, when you have been ion a long term relationship with a person.

I only know about this because I have been there.

Suicide is their choice and you have NO responsibility for that, DO NOT take ownership of this, and try to get the same message to your kid(s)

[Allmessedup]

I agree with carter here

It is exceptionally hard though.  My ex has been suicidal.  The last break up/recycle ended up with me actively pulling a gun from her hand.  I will admit I am terrified that she will choose that route again.

For me, we have a mutual friend that is close.  I shared with her my fears so that someone else is aware of the possibility.  I will not be triangulated though.  I do not ask about her nor do I wish to hear about her.  And my friend respects this.

I am a psych nurse and know all too well what it feels like when even my crisis calls end up in suicide.  Unfortunately I have dealt with this too many times professionally.  At the end of the day I have to remember that this is their choice.  I did what I could do whether it be professionally or personally.  But ultimately it is their choice and one of which no one else has any control over. 

I can do all sorts of things professionally.  Personally I have way less power.  But at the end of it all they have to make that choice for themselves.

It's a scary thing.  And a heart wrenching one.  And yes it gives me nightmares but the only thing I can control is myself.

Just so you know u r not alone

[Stjarna]

Thank you, Lettinggo14, Carter, and Allmessedup. 

I had the most counseling right around the time of his serious suicide attempt that landed him in the ICU for a week last April, so I have had a lot of input as regarding seeing that his choices are his and for me to not take ownership of his behavior.  I so identify with you Allmessedup in that, while you hear the words of the counselors and believe them, the feeling of some semblance of responsibility is not that easily let go of.  I am trying, and thank you everyone for sharing your stories and thoughts.  It helps a great deal, and I suppose someday time and space will eventually help me to heal and not be so emotionally affected by his choices, his behavior, and his words. 

Thank you, everyone, so much.  This site is a God-send!