It's like she knows

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's like my exBPDgf knows I'm detaching and moving on with my life.

Quick background on my situation with her.  After a year and a half relationship with two recycles my exBPDgf broke up with me in August for a third time in a pretty cruel way in what I think was now a test to see if I would come running after her.  I didn't and she was engaged six weeks later, married in December.  Our last contact was in November with me ending the email with wishing her a good life and to not contact me again.  She didn't and I assumed that she would be consumed with her new marriage for a while.

I have been going to therapy, journaling daily, doing inner child work, etc.   I have been really looking at myself and why I am drawn to people such as her.  I have been feeling better about myself, job is going well, socializing more, writing more.  All in all things are getting better every day.  Even had some great breakthroughs in therapy that have allowed me to really start detaching from her as well as my BPDmother.

Every Friday for years now I practice with the band I am in.  Afterwards we go and grab a drink or two at the same bar.  This is a bar that my ex has never gone to, even sometimes mocked me for going to it.  It's kind of a dive but the staff is friendly and the drinks are cheap. 

Who should walk through the door this Friday night?  My ex and two of her "friends".  One woman, one man.  The guy is one of the guys that I found out she randomly sleeps with and cheated on me with.  The woman I didn't know.  My ex made a very blatant show of not looking at me as she came in while her female friend glared at me.  The guy didn't look in my direction.  My ex's new husband was not there, oddly.

My band mates, being awesome people, said that we could leave.  I thought about it for a minute and decided to stay.  My guess is that she was doing to see if she could still effect me.  Could she get me to leave the bar, change my behavior, have power over me?  So we didn't leave.  Her and her friends took a table by the bathrooms, most likely so that anyone wanting to use the bathroom would have to walk by them. 

About an hour after they got there I had to go to the bathroom and decided that I wasn't going to hold it and wait for her to leave.  I didn't look at her as I walked by and heard some snide comments from her friends as I did.  I ignored it.  As I was going to the bathroom, her male friend came and pretend to be going to the bathroom.  I while I was washing my hands he made eye contact with me through the mirror, trying to look tough.  I couldn't help but chuckle and he looked away.  I dried my hands and went back to my table.  On my way back her friend glared at me and said something I couldn't hear over the music.  Again, I laughed and shook my head as I walked by.  So damn childish.  They left shortly after and I ended up having a good night.

I won't say it didn't hurt.  I still carry love for the person I thought she was.  I would have loved to have been able to talk to her like two adults, but if that was the case we would still be together.  In the end I'm proud of myself and how I handled it.  I didn't give her what she wanted, which was a re-action, maybe even some drama.

I do think it's weird though, it's like she knows I'm moving on.

[MrFox]

It's like my exBPDgf knows I'm detaching and moving on with my life.

Quick background on my situation with her.  After a year and a half relationship with two recycles my exBPDgf broke up with me in August for a third time in a pretty cruel way in what I think was now a test to see if I would come running after her.  I didn't and she was engaged six weeks later, married in December.  Our last contact was in November with me ending the email with wishing her a good life and to not contact me again.  She didn't and I assumed that she would be consumed with her new marriage for a while.

I have been going to therapy, journaling daily, doing inner child work, etc.   I have been really looking at myself and why I am drawn to people such as her.  I have been feeling better about myself, job is going well, socializing more, writing more.  All in all things are getting better every day.  Even had some great breakthroughs in therapy that have allowed me to really start detaching from her as well as my BPDmother.

Every Friday for years now I practice with the band I am in.  Afterwards we go and grab a drink or two at the same bar.  This is a bar that my ex has never gone to, even sometimes mocked me for going to it.  It's kind of a dive but the staff is friendly and the drinks are cheap. 

Who should walk through the door this Friday night?  My ex and two of her "friends".  One woman, one man.  The guy is one of the guys that I found out she randomly sleeps with and cheated on me with.  The woman I didn't know.  My ex made a very blatant show of not looking at me as she came in while her female friend glared at me.  The guy didn't look in my direction.  My ex's new husband was not there, oddly.

My band mates, being awesome people, said that we could leave.  I thought about it for a minute and decided to stay.  My guess is that she was doing to see if she could still effect me.  Could she get me to leave the bar, change my behavior, have power over me?  So we didn't leave.  Her and her friends took a table by the bathrooms, most likely so that anyone wanting to use the bathroom would have to walk by them. 

About an hour after they got there I had to go to the bathroom and decided that I wasn't going to hold it and wait for her to leave.  I didn't look at her as I walked by and heard some snide comments from her friends as I did.  I ignored it.  As I was going to the bathroom, her male friend came and pretend to be going to the bathroom.  I while I was washing my hands he made eye contact with me through the mirror, trying to look tough.  I couldn't help but chuckle and he looked away.  I dried my hands and went back to my table.  On my way back her friend glared at me and said something I couldn't hear over the music.  Again, I laughed and shook my head as I walked by.  So damn childish.  They left shortly after and I ended up having a good night.

I won't say it didn't hurt.  I still carry love for the person I thought she was.  I would have loved to have been able to talk to her like two adults, but if that was the case we would still be together.  In the end I'm proud of myself and how I handled it.  I didn't give her what she wanted, which was a re-action, maybe even some drama.

I do think it's weird though, it's like she knows I'm moving on.

[Turkish]

MrFox, you handled that one with class. Them: like school at midnight, NCAA (no class at all). What a bunch of children!

Does it help and confirm to you that she is still the same toxic person (and a cheater with her new H)?

[MrFox]

Thank you, Turkish.  I think I handled it well.  Fought all those little voices that said "Try and talk to her" and "Be an ass to her".  I won't deny that they were there but I shut them up.

It really did do wonders in confirming what I already knew.  She is a child, she is vindictive, and she is toxic.  Not sure if she is cheating yet, but I wouldn't put it past her.  Then again, it's not my business anymore.

[Turkish]

Thank you, Turkish.  I think I handled it well.  Fought all those little voices that said "Try and talk to her" and "Be an ass to her".  I won't deny that they were there but I shut them up.

Or smash that smug guy's head into the bathroom wall. I started to cringe up when you got to that part of the story. It takes a real man to walk away from a challenge like that, however subtle.

It really did do wonders in confirming what I already knew.  She is a child, she is vindictive, and she is toxic.  Not sure if she is cheating yet, but I wouldn't put it past her.  Then again, it's not my business anymore.

And for mine as well, though I know whom she will come to seeking advice when things go awry with her new r/s... .

[Perfidy]

Mrfox, that's defiantly the high road you took. I admire you for that.

In a similar encounter I walked away. She came right up to me and put her hand on my arm and spoke to me. I told her I didn't know her and left. This was a couple weeks ago. Haven't heard a peep since. She told me I haunted all of her dreams and that she thought about me every day. She also apologized but I'm not sure what she apologized for. I had none of it. I don't wish to speak to her again. The hurt went deep.

I'm glad that you danced through that with style. You're ok.

[MrFox]

Thank you, Turkish.  I think I handled it well.  Fought all those little voices that said "Try and talk to her" and "Be an ass to her".  I won't deny that they were there but I shut them up.

Or smash that smug guy's head into the bathroom wall. I started to cringe up when you got to that part of the story. It takes a real man to walk away from a challenge like that, however subtle.

It really did do wonders in confirming what I already knew.  She is a child, she is vindictive, and she is toxic.  Not sure if she is cheating yet, but I wouldn't put it past her.  Then again, it's not my business anymore.

And for mine as well, though I know whom she will come to seeking advice when things go awry with her new r/s... .

Trust me, the idea of slamming his face into the wall was really tempting at the moment.  Then I realized that he is the type of guy who doesn't take losing a fight in stride, he's the type to press charges.  I don't need that crap in my life.  Plus, it would be acknowledging his existence, and by proxy, her's.  I'm going with the living well is the best revenge route.

I have thought about when she will come looking for advice as well.  Maybe she won't but I was basically her therapist for two years and then for the year and a half I "held her hand" through numerous disasters. 

Mrfox, that's defiantly the high road you took. I admire you for that.

In a similar encounter I walked away. She came right up to me and put her hand on my arm and spoke to me. I told her I didn't know her and left. This was a couple weeks ago. Haven't heard a peep since. She told me I haunted all of her dreams and that she thought about me every day. She also apologized but I'm not sure what she apologized for. I had none of it. I don't wish to speak to her again. The hurt went deep.

I'm glad that you danced through that with style. You're ok.

Thank you, Perdify.  I appreciate that.  Sounds like you handled your situation with class, style and dignity as well.

[myself]

MrFox, I'd say you handled it very well. Aware of yourself and what your options were. What her possible motivations were. The work you've been doing on yourself is paying off. I hope to be as calm and sure when and if the time comes.

I also want to say that it was more likely about her, to her, than it was about you. Choosing to show up when she knew you would be there may have been a way for her to try talking herself into feeling better. That is a constant in these situations. That it would show she felt above you, and over you (even though her actions seem to show she is not). In my r/s and so many of those I read of here, it usually comes down to how the pwBPD is feeling, what they are avoiding, etc. It's NOT about us. They thrive off of chaos and getting reactions. It was great you didn't let yourself get sucked back in.

She felt bad and needed someone else to, too. Didn't matter how you already felt.

[ShadowDancer]

Well played Mr. Fox, well played. "I don't need that crap in MY life"... . and well said!

[MrFox]

MrFox, I'd say you handled it very well. Aware of yourself and what your options were. What her possible motivations were. The work you've been doing on yourself is paying off. I hope to be as calm and sure when and if the time comes.

I also want to say that it was more likely about her, to her, than it was about you. Choosing to show up when she knew you would be there may have been a way for her to try talking herself into feeling better. That is a constant in these situations. That it would show she felt above you, and over you (even though her actions seem to show she is not). In my r/s and so many of those I read of here, it usually comes down to how the pwBPD is feeling, what they are avoiding, etc. It's NOT about us. They thrive off of chaos and getting reactions. It was great you didn't let yourself get sucked back in.

She felt bad and needed someone else to, too. Didn't matter how you already felt.

Thank you, myself.  I agree, it really had nothing to do with me, like so much in our history together.  Whatever is going on in her life she needed either a power trip (me leaving, me trying to talk to her so she could blow me off, seeing if she could effect me in some way) or needing some kind of chaotic reaction to fuel her need for drama.

[MrFox]

Well played Mr. Fox, well played. "I don't need that crap in MY life"... . and well said!

Thank you, ShadowDancer.  I have been patting myself on the back ever since

[RecycledNoMore]

Why mr Fox!

Look@ you bein all sensible and level headed, whilst being goaded by the villiage idiots

I still remember the beautiful poem you posted,full of hurt and anger... .

Im so glad your moving on... .

Welldone Mr Fox

[MrFox]

Why mr Fox!

Look@ you bein all sensible and level headed, whilst being goaded by the villiage idiots

I still remember the beautiful poem you posted,full of hurt and anger... .

Im so glad your moving on... .

Welldone Mr Fox

Thank you.  I feel like I'm finally moving on.  Still hurt, still angry, but less so.  As much as I wanted things to be different with her, they aren't and nothing is going to change that.  I have begun to accept the reality of who she is, not who I want her to be.

[heartandwhole]

MrFox,

Let me join the admiration club, well done!  You felt the hurt, the anger, and yet you didn't act on it impulsively.  You took the high road and respected yourself. 

That was a very difficult situation to be in, your handling of it is truly inspiring. Keep up the great work. 

[MrFox]

MrFox,

Let me join the admiration club, well done!  You felt the hurt, the anger, and yet you didn't act on it impulsively.  You took the high road and respected yourself. 

That was a very difficult situation to be in, your handling of it is truly inspiring. Keep up the great work. 

Thank you, heartandwhole.  A year ago I think I would have acted on my impulses.  Part of me so much wants to understand her and have her understand me, but that part of me is the wounded little kid inside of me.  Starting to heal those wounds so that I can be healthier has really started to change my views on the world, life, and those around me.  I am starting to see why I was drawn to her.  Makes it all the more easy to not act on those impulses and just let her go.

[Changingman]

And from me Mr. Fox,

That was class, no drama, your life back in to your own hands. Cool emotions, they couldn't bait or provoke you. Amused by their silly tosh.

I will endeavor to be as resolute and emotionally mature as you were.

Way to go

Changingman

[MrFox]

And from me Mr. Fox,

That was class, no drama, your life back in to your own hands. Cool emotions, they couldn't bait or provoke you. Amused by their silly tosh.

I will endeavor to be as resolute and emotionally mature as you were.

Way to go

Changingman

Thank you, Changingman.  It wasn't nearly as hard as thought it would be, yet not easy.  I have been dreading running into her.  I played it up too much in my mind.  When faced with the reality of it, and her, the choice became pretty clear.  Play in her world of drama and chaos, or stay in mine.  I stayed in mine.

I do have to be honest though.  Knowing that she hates being ignored made it a lot easier.  While I did what I did because it was by far the healthiest route for me, there was a tiny bit of vindictiveness to the whole thing.  Just so you all know.

[seeking balance]

 

You showed emotional maturity, resilience, and kindness - to yourself and her.

Very nicely played Mr. Fox.

[node4]

I am so using the line, I'm sorry but, I don't know you. It will be like she never existed.

[MrFox]

You showed emotional maturity, resilience, and kindness - to yourself and her.

Very nicely played Mr. Fox.

Thank you, seeking balance.  While I was mainly focused on myself and what is good for me, I also don't feel the need to inflict further damage on an already damaged person.  Okay, the dark part of me does, but I know that will only make me feel worse.  It's just not who I am.  As I said, I still do care for her and may always have a place in my heart for her.  While reaction from me might sate her appetite for drama and help her solidify how "vile" I am, I refuse to be an ass to her (which I think part of her wants).  I prefer to handle myself as an adult.